Do you think this poem I wrote is good?

This poem was inspired by a real-life documentary I watched a while ago that has impacted me a lot, called Children Underground. The film is about five Romanian children who live in the subway of Bucharest, Romania. This particular poem was inspired by a part in the film where a man randomly beats one of the children (who is a girl of 16 named Macarena). The reason why the poem is named the 'silver' child is because Macarena is addicted to a silver paint called Aurolac, and is extremely addictive to the drug. The reason why I wrote this poem is due to the fact that I couldn't get that violent scenario out of my head. There was so much sadness already in the children's lives, particulary Macarena's yet not only did people not help the children of the streets, but they also abused them in unspeakable ways. I hope you enjoy the poem, and your comments, thoughts, and ideas are much appreciated. I think about Macarena and what might of happened to her almost everyday...even though I know it might be grim...and the chances of her living up to 30 are very low considering her sad situation.

A quote from the movie:

"They’ve called me Macarena since I was a small child, in the streets and in the orphanage. Because I dance too much to the Macarena.

All of the kids get high. Nobody can stop using Aurolac. Four bottles I got today, I got high wholesale. I am the most street kid, the most Aurolac kid. People give me money for food, but I buy paint. Because if I get one bottle I am no longer hungry. It’s like paradise, you dream that you eat… and I can’t give it up."

Here's the poem that I wrote:

THE SILVER CHILD

Silver paint running from the mouth

Silver caked at the lips, like lipstick

Delirious eyes, searching for a way out

For a place to call home

Body moving in a trance-like motion across the city's streets

Though the bustling traffic of cars, buses, bikes, and people

Then stumbling into the musty subway of Victorei

Sitting near an empty stairway

Unaware of whether it is night or day

Just sitting there, withering away

Then all of a sudden,

a KICK to the abdomen,

a PUNCH to the head,

a FIST to the face,

From a man who is careless of the pain and suffering that he is provoking

The silver child screams hysterically,

And bawls hoarsely as the attacker gets more severe, and repeatedly screams

SHUT UP

SHUT UP

And the silver child, who is unaware of who or what is causing this fear, continues to scream and howl

After one final harsh beating

The man pulls away, cursing and cussing at the silver child

Who is crumpled on the the cold subway floor

Now screaming and howling

Louder than ever before

___________________________

Please let me know what you think....I honestly need some good feedback. I've been told I was a very talented writer and lost my confidence when I let someone borrow all of my written poetry and they lost it all. It really ruined me, because I had no copy. And poetry is written feeling....so I felt like I lost a big part of me. I wasn't and still am not sure on whether or not I should start writing again. :/

Any comments, suggestions, praise, and criticisms are much appreciated. 10 points for sure to best answer. Sorry for making this a really long post.

5 Answers

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  • 7 years ago
    Best Answer

    I like it alot, actually it's pretty good. I don't think you have lost a beat as far as your writing skills, even though I never read any of your previous work. You are a very talented writer, it's true.. Just take it one day at a time and never give up on your writing. I don't understand how giving your work to someone can ruin you when your work is "within you," maybe you just need to realize that and use it to your own advantage, I am also writing a book myself and have been working on it for almost 2 years now. Anyway, post more if you feel the need and I will give you an honest opinion about whatever it is you consider posting, keep up the good work! :)

    By the way you have a link to that documentary? I also saw one in regards to some kids living in Kenya who were also homeless and addicted to some kind of drug out there, its a very sad thing to see.

  • donpat
    Lv 7
    7 years ago

    Hello soadgirl,

    I think the poem is excellent. It does an excellent job of giving its reader

    a very distinct image.

    I think it would be better to not use the large capital letters.

    How about something like the following :

    Vicious kicks to the groin !

    Brutal punches to the stomach !

    Crushing fist blows to the face and head !

    Poets write, edit, change , edit, ......

    Good writing is hard work, but worth the effort required.

    You have writing talent.

    I wish you the best !!

  • Maria
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    You are so talented. I know I've said that before. This is a deep meaningful poem, it may be a different style than you use now but it is so good to me. Drown my soul in wash of sorrow. Build my doubts and leave me hallow. You know I adore you. I wish I could open up the way you do.

  • HD
    Lv 7
    7 years ago

    Well, you do have talent and your subject is noble.

    I love the poem.

    You do not, however need the excessive capitalization. What you are writing is harrowing enough without that.

    Excellent work.

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  • 7 years ago

    The middle of the poem does not have the same poetic flow as the rest of them poem, which is quite good.

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