I am beyond fed up, in need of some good advice?
My boyfriend and i have been together for 8 months, and for 6 months he's been living with me and my dad. He doesn't work, but he goes to school full time, and so do i. He was an alcoholic/drug addict...and he's only been sober for 4.5 weeks. In the past he's lied constantly, cheated on me, manipulated me, and stole money from me. It's been really hard. He gets financial aid but his mom takes his checks, due to him not being responsible enough becasue of his drug usage. So he has ZERO income, yet he lives with me and my dad. He has to go through his mom anytime he needs anything and she pitches a fit and asks for receipts and the whole 9 yards. Needless to say, we support him, other then the $200 in foodstamps a month that he recieives. He doesn't have a car. His school is 30 mins away and he goes 5 days a week. Our church is 25 mins away and we go 2-3 times week. His grandma/mom live 35 mins away and i'm always driving up there for him to see them as well. I am paying a TON just in gas money alone. Anytime we want to do something i have to drive, pay the gas money, and pay for us both. I'm SICK OF IT!!! I'm naturally a giving person, and i love to make others happy. But i am to the point where i feel downright used!! He tells me he wants a family and kids and to marry me someday, and i can't believe him because his actions don't show me that. After an argument a few months ago he agreed to start asking his mom to give me a check for $200 every 5 weeks for gas. At the time i was just happy to see some effort so i didn't argue, i just agreed, i didn't want to seem selfish. But it's just not enough and he knows it. Yet when i complin he throws it in my fase that "you agreed to it" and i told him if he loved me he would just WANT to help me, and be a partner in this relationship and not just let me enable him!!! He could have found a night job but he doesn't!!
When i try to talk to him about it he get defensive and denies, or justifies his behavior somehow. He says "i help you around the house, i paint your nails, rub your back, do nice things for you, etc." so he makes me feel like i don't have a right to want more, like i'm selfish. He says "i'm doing what i need to do, i am sober, making good grades, paying my bills" actually no, his mom pays them using his money. And he won't stand up and thinks that if he gets a job he will have to turn all his checks over to her. WTF!!! Then he will get mad and so "so all this is over money, huh" like i'm just selfish and asking to much of him. I have tried to kick him out numerous times and he won't go. He will go run off somewhere or rip his clothes up, burn himself, punch himself, etc. and says he does it so i will stop arguing with him.
I just want a relationship with him that isn't ME doing everything!! Is that being selfish? Yes he helps me around the house, and i make sure to let him know how grateful i am, but is that really enough? Am i being selfish that he got sober and i'm still not happy? In all the time we've been together he's never taken me out to dinner, got me flowers, went to the movies, or paid for anything. I know money isn't everything, but why should i pay for everything. It's unbalanced and i don't feel loved, i feel taken advantage of. What else can i do at this point besides walk away? I'm irrate with all of his excuses and throwing my words in my face all the time. Who cares what i agree to, as if he couldn't go above that knowing he isn't doing enough!!
- 8 years agoFavorite Answer
I only needed to read the first few sentences. Go slap yourself.
- AnnLv 78 years ago
Break up with him. You should never be supporting someone so early in a relationship. He should pay his way, you pay your way. Never live with a guy until you know it is going to be long term.
You two should only be sharing money WHEN you are married. He is a user. You are a doormat. Stop it.
- seedy historyLv 78 years ago
Well, good for you! You went out and got a rabbit, you've been patiently waiting for it to turn into a Saint Bernard and you seem to have finally figured out that rabbits don't turn into Saint Bernards. Must have been quite a salesman to have ever led you to believe that could happen! Very childish that wish, dear. If wishes were fishes....
He and everything he has at your house need to be driven those 35 minutes away and deposited at his Mommy's. The gig is up. You can share with the both of them that you are no longer supporting her little boy so that she can have some spare time and money. You change the locks. When he beats and burns and freaks out and tries to manipulate you into thinking that you have ANY control over that behavior of his .. just look at him like he's a crazy man and repeat that his passport has been permanently revoked.
Nine months ago you didn't even know this man. But this has not been his first merry-go-round. You are not doing a darn thing for the guy, you know. You think you are doing everything.... you're not. HE is doing everything to you. He can live with his Mommy and figure out how to get to school all by himself. Removing him from your life is not going to ruin his. Don't fall for that.
- 8 years ago
I know the first thing to say is he's a loser. It's just not that simple when you are in love or maybe you are not in love with him anymore but you just feel responsible for him. It's almost like you have turned into his caregiver in a way. He is however a grown man and if he is throwing these tantrums and hurting himself to get your attention, well it is only hurting him. As long as there is someone there to take care of him and coddle him in this way. He really wont change. You need to be happy and worry about yourself cause in the end this is affecting your health.
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- Bedford SLv 78 years ago
I recommend that you attend Alanon meetings. Your local newspaper will have a telephone number or place for AA meetings. Contact them and they will tell you where there is alonon meetings. Alonon helps the the people close to the alcoholic/drug addict cope with the situation. Just because he isn't drinking or using - he still has the same character traits.Source(s): Recovering alcoholic with 22 years soberiety.
- kpoppLv 68 years ago
Yes, money isn't everything, but it is an essential part of any relationship. Don't bank on any improvement in the future. These habit seldom die.
- 8 years ago
He's a loser. I would have left when he first cheated on me.