Well, I consider you have got been experimenting with extraordinary strategies and relationships, is all. You say you're "surely disgusted" while you think of the mechanical facet of intercourse with a person, and that you just image yourself getting married, elevating youngsters, and having a usual existence. So that is what you are correct there. That's the actual you. You are going to constantly think disgusted you probably have a full blown sexual relationship with a man due to the fact that it can be just not for you. To your technique to finding out that this isn't for you, you had a sort of relationship with a man. Now, naturally, you end up watching at men and fascinated by them. You absolutely will not be fascinated about the pleasure you would have from the specific sex act with them, as you already said that fascinated about that does not give you any pleasure. So once again I suppose that is simply a part of you discovering your way within the sexual world. Some things give you the results you want, some absolutely do not. Go with the things that work and chalk the rest as much as experience.