Suicide Is Selfish..But what is life without sucesss or education? Im in pain..?
Im 16, and I have severe social anxiety disorder. It's something I dont think i can ever get over..I've dropped out of school, because I got too afraid and anxious to even go to school (To do things there, around all those people..) I had panic attacks...I'd cry in terror my whole way there, almost got hit by a car once because I couldn't focus. It literally brushed against my side..people were staring but I could only grow anxious and keep walking towards the place I've formally named Hell.
I haven't been to school since October. It tears me up inside. I dont just sit at home all jolly-go-lucky..It scares me to death. I literally want to die..when i think about how my future will be because like..
It will either be my surviving off of mental disability checks forever...(The doctors already tell me how severe my case is, so im sure it wouldn't be TOO hard to get with papers and whatnot)
Or, well, cheap prostitution.
Even If my anxiety did get better..I'm literally stupid. I cant do anything right. I cant spell right, or, even, do numbers right. I wouldn't even achieve at a job at McDonald, and I couldn't even probably get a job there!
I have no friends to talk to, because my social anxiety makes me so socially awkward..Nobody wanted to be around me at school..unless they thought 'Oh look at the shy girl, that's so adorable' and then they'd get bored of me in about two minutes and leave.
My mom tries to understand and I love her..but It's just hard.
When I talk to therapists im about 80% sure they are trying to stick me into another mental hospital..and I just dont trust it. I've been to one before, and it only make me worse, and more afraid..
I just dont know what to do. I mean, I try and stay happy throughout the day..but, how can I? When I dont have an education? Or any slight idea as to how I will survive if, god forbid it, something happened to my mom? (My dad doesn't work, or really seem to care much..)
It's driving me towards suicidal thoughts..It's not ones that say "Oh i just wanna kill myself" Its ones that say "What else is there to do?...What possible way could this end better for me?"...
I just dont have anyone. I feel like a complete failure and I cant stop feeling anxious all the time. It hurts....It's starting to physically mess with me. I can't eat, or sleep.
Is there any hope for me? I just..