Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Pregnancy & ParentingAdoption · 7 years ago

Should I send a birthday card?

I found my adopted much older half-sibling at the end of August. After a month of no response I called him asking if he'd gotten my letter, if he had an answer regarding his desire for contact, or if he needed time. He sad ' I just need some time to think about what to do about it'. I thanked him for his time & the call ended. I have not contacted him since.

He does not have FB but his wife & sister do. His sister is the biological child of his adoptive parents. All 3 are in their 40's. I admit I've lurked. Suddenly, after the phone call, his sister hid her FB page & the wife made it so that a non-friend cannot message or friend request her. Maybe I'm reading too much into it but is this a bad sign? What does this even mean? That my brother doesn't want contact? These women do not want to be found / have contact with his birth family?

I've also been advised that I should send my sibling a birthday card & holiday (for various reasons). His birthday is at the end of this month. Is it going to come off pushy if I send a card so soon after initial contact? Is Christmas better because it'll look like he was on my mailing list and not singled out(his birthday)? What kind of card do I even get? Brother seems inappropriate. A funny one? Not send him one and wait for him to make the next move about contact?

Help?

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  • 7 years ago
    Best Answer

    Your contacting your brother may have made his family aware of something that has nothing to do with adoption, namely how vulnerable they are to outsiders and how they need to protect their privacy, not necessarily from you but from all other sorts of intruders.

    This being said, you cannot know what their true motives were.

    I would send a low-key birthday card. August is some months behind. It's not like you are contacting him after a week or so. Do not write anything emotional in the card. Just greetings.

    If he does not respond, write a simple card for Xmas. If he does, you can add a small present. But do not shower him with news or goods to start with.

    Make sure you give all your contact details, phone No, address, e-mail, etc. Just in case. Do not push him. He may have other immediate concerns (job, money, private life...)

    Source(s): (edit was for style)
  • 7 years ago

    This is a hard answer to write, because I know it's not what you want, nor is it the answer I'd want if I were in your shoes.

    He asked for some more time to think about this. I think you ought to respect that. That means, no birthday card, no Christmas card.

    When I was younger, there was a person I asked to back off and leave me alone. He promised to do that, but then he found reasons to keep making little exceptions, under the excuse that "this is low-key so she probably won't mind." It felt creepy and stalker-ish. It made me want less contact with him, not more. Of course, your situation isn't identical, and you don't come off like a stalker. However, your brother asked you not to contact him till he's ready. In my opinion, you risk hardening him against you if you ignore that request.

  • 7 years ago

    Sending a card isn't being pushy so go ahead and send one. All you need to do is sign your name and he will know that you are thinking off him. I agree don't send a 'brother' card and go for something simple.

  • Anonymous
    7 years ago

    I would let the card thing go, hard as that will be. He knows how to contact you if he wants. Anything further may constitute harrassment.

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  • Anonymous
    7 years ago

    I would send him one. Just to mainly make him more comfortable to answer you back.

  • 7 years ago

    If he never got back to you after your first attempt, why bother further? Love the siblings you may already have and leave it alone.

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