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This poem took me 2 hours to write (not five minutes). Will you please give it your best critique?

When crafting a poem of both substance and style

Remember these tips (if you find them worthwhile):

Firstly, don’t bore with your opening couplet

Shoot for intriguing, and then try to doubl’it

Your message will surely be doomed from the start

With lines 1 and 2 reading like an eye-chart

And syllable count, while impressive, it’s true

Won’t matter one bit if your meter’s askew

You want it to flow and to bounce on its toes

Not read like it streamed from a powerful hose

And best not to tackle a subject too deep

You want to uplift us, not put us to sleep

It’s tempting, attempting a poem that’s profound

But often resembles a rat, freshly-drowned

It’s better to offer-up feathery fare

A good poem will float, and feel lighter than air

And finally, don’t try to blind us with smoke

Just write what you know and your poem be no joke.

Update:

Sorry CMV...but 'poem be no joke' is what gives this poem style... Cheesy-style. lol

Many of my poems operate on the same principle as Persian prayer rugs (or whatever, lol) with flaws purposely woven into them to keep God from going ballistic.

Most should recognize this quirk of mine by now.

;)

Of course, this is not the REAL reason I chose 'poem be no joke'.

I chose it simply because it illustrated nicely that sometimes simplicity is a sign of sincerity, if that makes sense.

Most importantly, though, I just like the way it sounds. I went with my gut.

Thanks for your comments--they are appreciated.

13 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    8 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Three tiny faults

    doubl'it -- in line 4 ; Contractions are often used in poems , but they are a bodge , to force things where they shouldn't be .

    The native english speaker's eye will glide over things used in normal speech ( that's = that is , it's = it is , don't = do not , doesn't = does not , and so on ) , but jibs like a frightened horse at unfamiliar ones .

    our Local Newspaper ( should be subtitled " Journalism for the Illiterate " ) has a " poetry corner " where people can post their pensees , and I remember one , of appalling length , where EVERY line contained two or three , and whose untutored author obviously believed that the use of contractions in a poem was both stylish and necessary . Bless .

    Line 13 was unlucky for you , because your magnificent alliteration - " tempting , attempting " ( VERY NICE ) led you to end the line with the difficult-to-rhyme " profound " , forcing you to use a freshly drowned rat in 14 .

    ( A poem that's clever ? nice ? wise ? might give you a less jarring line than your damp expired rodent )

    Last line " poem be no joke " , Oh dear ............... . " poem's no joke " would be better , although there's a contraction there to get it to fit .

    Maybe use " just write what you know so your poem's no joke " ?

    You got each line to rhyme with it's predecessor ( just ) which is GOOD , better would be to split your 18 lines total into 3 x 6 line stanzas ( again , human minds like things in threes )

    Or , to leave it in one block , but to make alternate lines rhyme instead , like

    When crafting a poem of substance and style ,

    Remember these tips from the opening couplet ,

    Dont bore at the start --- you will find it worthwhile ,

    to try for intriguing , and trying to double it .

    And so on . You'll need two more lines to make it 20 total to get this into a 5 x 4 layout .

    Anyway , good effort , I enjoyed it ,and it was cleverer and better written than most of the blacksmith made Poesy in my newspaper * shudder * !

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  • 8 years ago

    Boring, boring, boring.

    (I wish people who are against criticism would follow their own advice)

    Here, I fixed it for you:

    Poetry 101 (fuxed by Hiram)

    -------IF-------

    -----LINES----

    ---1 AND 2---

    ARE AN OLD

    -EYE CHART-

    Your message is probably doomed from the start

    And syllable-counts will never help you out

    If you rhyme "askew" with "help you", (you foolish lout!)

    You want your fine reader to be kept on her toes

    But don't slam her with schlock like a garden hose

    Be careful if you tackle any subject too deep

    You want to uplift us, not put us to sleep.

    T'is tempting, t'be attempting posies  pruh-found

    Fans have seen it all, so keep close to ground.

    Ideally you'll win us with fantasy fare

    But smoke and mirrors can make us cry for air!

    Careful on that final "coup", build intrigue and double up.

    Poems need both substance and style; so remember these tips worthwhile.

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  • Thomas
    Lv 7
    8 years ago

    the cheese whisperer

    I enjoyed this immensely. You are extremely talented, but there are time, and

    I can relate, when you like to play a bit, and your gift of poetry takes a back seat,

    but that's okay with me, cause I am getting who you are. I can't say enough about

    how well written this is. With that said, you asked for a critique, and my answer if

    you would indulge me is to take this and pretend it came out of me---how would I

    format the poem to read better, and are there any changes needs. Minimal imo

    but will be back.

    And for those who don't like it, sorry bout that.

    ___________________________________________________________________

    Edit: Meter was very consistent and fluid. there were a couple words, like style, and poem, that could go either way. I modified the first stanza but changed some words completely, which I think was being unfair to tcw so I deleted the edit or S1, though it did help my sapience.

    _______________________________________________________________________

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  • 8 years ago

    While enjoyable to read and one undoubtedly you put some time into, I doubt your message will be remembered Don Quixote and my question then becomes what would have happened if you spent two hours working on a "good" poem as you describe? Still like I started with, I enjoyed the read.

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  • 8 years ago

    I probly miss the mark sometimes Cheese, but this was a pretty cool beans piece.

    So I guess, "It was a dark and stormy night" won't pull much attention?

    Carrion lay dead beneath the cover of leaves, held hidden,,,probly ain't gonna work either.

    I love her like the sun enjoys rising

    A rainbow is but a brief elipse

    Your eyes equate to an Oceans depth

    The climb is as harsh as the fall

    and yada yada, guessin cliche don't always work.

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  • 8 years ago

    First response - Delight (literarylLight, at last, on my blind-spot errors)

    Second response as I read on - `yep, I do that -

    but - this posting ?- The insulting little brat!`

    By the time I`d read it through, my attention `off the hook`

    Indignation arose like Cleopatra` s nose and the accompanying punch-back was,

    the surprising challenge-phrase ringing LOUD in my mind, of:; - "You!"

    "Put Up Your Dukes!".

    Which means - the poem`s a real success -

    You Hit The Spots!

    I`ll keep this in my file to refer to - I`m so impressed.

    Upset, darn it, it`ll mean I`ve got to pare, count, not my high-horse mount -

    I`m going to sulk, face now pink in `illiterary` embarrassment TOO - and I wish ONE of us was,

    instead -

    "Out For The Count."

    A truculent 9.3/ 10..

    I`ll be grateful tomorrow - maybe

    TY *Hmmm..mm.*.

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  • 8 years ago

    A serious poet will not find two hours a waste of time. You have a message to convey in this poem; I wish people would read it without trying to denigrate either it or its author.

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  • 8 years ago

    i like this poem

    it was unexpected. not too many people would write a poem about a writing a poem

    it wasn't boring, it was kinda bouncy, interesting, and fun

    it rhymes, which i like, and it still makes sense

    a couple parts are eve kinda funny and that's great because poetry doesn't usually make me smile because it's funny

    i don't like much poetry, but overall i think this is a very nice poem :)

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  • doe
    Lv 7
    8 years ago

    I'll bring the tater salad, it's one of my specialtites. But I can't blow a joint anymore cause I get way outa control. I can't write either something has happened to my creativity so I'll just read for awhile and hope I come around again.

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  • Kirby
    Lv 7
    8 years ago

    I'm with struth, Cheese man. I need me a little party hardying. Think you could use a rest too. Two hours of poetry with those regulations sounds exhausting, simply exhausting.

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