小圈 asked in 社會與文化語言 · 8 years ago

一篇英文作文批改!非常感謝!

題目 keeping in shape

Nowdays,obesity is a serious health problems among many people.

How to keep in shape is an important issue for those obesity people and people

who want to have a good shape.

To start with,sleep 7-8 hours everyday.Scientists said that if people sleep less

than 7 hours per day.They might feel tired and asleep easily and difficult to lose

weight.In addition,exercise regularly is necessary.Exercise can make you have

happy emotion and prevent you from getting disease.Eat less meet and eat a

great deal of vegetables and fruits can also make you look slim and healthy.

Remember the way to keep in shape,you can make your body more healthier

than before!

希望英文作文高手能幫忙指點!謝謝:)

Update:

謝謝您幫我糾正

但想請問一下您覺得我的文章架構即組織怎麼樣呢

我比較希望能回答的是這次部分!

謝謝

3 Answers

Rating
  • 8 years ago
    Favorite Answer

       Nowdays, obesity is a serious health problem among many people. For

        Nowadays         單複數簡單的錯誤盡量避免囉 those overweight people, how to keep in shape has become an important issue.

    這樣感覺比較有強調 (? for those obesity people and people who want to have a good shape.

       To get rid of obesity, sleeping 7-8 hours every day is necessary. Scientists

                         every day要分開 (或用every night say that, if people sleep less than 7 hours per day, they might not only feel tired

    不會用said    或don't have adequate sleep per day and sleepy easily but also think it difficult to lose weight. In addition, exercising

     fall asleep比較常用 但意思是睡了 而非想睡的意念 regularly is necessary as well. This is because doing exercise can make you happy

         對應前面necessary                    不建議加emotion and prevent you from getting disease. Moreover, eating a great number of vegetables

                                  a deal/amount of + 不可數 and fruits instead of meet can also make you look slim and healthy.

             meat (meet=見面≠肉    To sum up, try to take the ways mentioned above to keep in shape, and you

    can make your body much healthier than before!

          建議用much去修飾 說明- (紅字為修改 藍字為說明 灰字是我認為要刪掉的)

    1. 從外表來看 (great)

    (1) 段落分明 (只是結尾弄得不漂亮而已啦

    (2) 用字

    (3) 語法 (有些仍待加強,評分大約3-4級分是ok的

    2. 注意錯字 (如nowadays meat

     如果還有其他錯字沒改到 就是小弟我眼殘了XD

    3. 內容其實... 第二段每句之間 其實還有一小段距離沒有接上

     雖說是論說文,但是千萬不要一直顧著講解 (汗

     要把氣勢給代出來,然後把你的說明跟你的論點接上

     才比較不會像是廣播一樣乏味

     像是in addition moreover

     還有像是倒裝句 (not only but also,只是我改的那邊不宜倒裝過來

     甚至是否定副詞 如「不到一年」in barely a year

    4. (我發表於意見)

    5. 可能你這是要考中級英檢的

    若是的話嘛....

    那我建議是多用片語、認識慣用語/成語/俚語、多熟練句型會比較好

    因為單字就算背了5000、7000、10000字,用處幾乎跟沙子沒什麼兩樣

    2012-08-05 14:51:20 補充:

    1) Scientists say that~ 這意思就可以直接闡述事實

    2) how ~has become an important issue

    因為你前面有提到nowadays,所以可以變作是"近來的問題"

    3) 論說文記得切入主題句.結尾(to sum up或to be brief)會比較好

    若要加入自己看法,可用in my opinion或是as far as I am concerned

    2012-08-05 14:51:55 補充:

    4) take the ways/measures/actions (which are) mentioned above

    括弧方便你參考 但請省略 (汗

    整句意思就是"採取上述所提到的方法

    5)more適用在多音節形容詞(表比較級)

    如more expensive more beautiful

    比較級可用much even far still a lot a little 修飾

    →如最後那句 強調"較以前健康多了!"

    2012-08-05 15:03:00 補充:

    第一段最後那整句是不要的 ~"~

    沒塗到灰色 SORRY~

    Source(s): 以上有任何問題 → 我會補充於意見,感恩 =))
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  • Anonymous
    6 years ago

    我一直都有過敏狀況,是最近才知道要用防螨寢具的,因為醫師建議我用,我也考慮了很久,想說要買就買最好的,上個月趁網站有折扣的時候買了一組【北之特】防蹣(螨)寢具來用用看,真沒想到~~現在覺得過敏狀況有改善多了。雖然比一般的貴一些,不過~真值得!

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  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    你好

    我先把你錯的或該換的紅框住

    X)1Nowdays ,obesity is a serious health problems among many people.

    How to keep in shape is an important X)issue for those obesity people and people

    who want to have a good shape.

    To start with,sleep 7-8 hours X)3everyday .Scientists said that if people sleep less

    than 7 hours per day.They might feel tired and asleep easily and difficult to lose

    weight.In addition,exercise regularly is necessary.Exercise can make you have

    happy emotion and prevent you from getting disease.Eat less X)4meet and eat a

    great deal of vegetables and fruits can also make you look slim and healthy.

    Remember the way to keep in shape,you can make your body more healthier

    than before!

    X)1改成nowadays

    X)2改成concern

    X03改成per day

    X)4改成meat

    Source(s): Ha個人style回答
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