How to I make my marriage work?

We met at 18 (both of us), married at 21, 2 weeks before he left for boot camp, moved down to our first base in 2006, been here ever since. We are now 27, with one child and I am pregnant again(whoops). We have been in abusive relationship, he hits me when he was doing porn and I caught him, and I wouldn't... show more We met at 18 (both of us), married at 21, 2 weeks before he left for boot camp, moved down to our first base in 2006, been here ever since. We are now 27, with one child and I am pregnant again(whoops). We have been in abusive relationship, he hits me when he was doing porn and I caught him, and I wouldn't leave him alone about the situation, so he would boil up and get too angry and hit me. At the time, I'm a BBW and am ver insecure, and felt horrible about him doing that. This happened at least 4 times, he stopped hitting when I became pregnant with my first son in 09. Every time that he would hit me, I wanted to leave him and he either didn't want to give me attention or went on deployment soon after. I would put a ad on Craigslist to give head and that's it. I would normally choose navy guys. That happened 3 times. In July 2011, he went to Seattle for 2 1/2 months for training, and hooked up with another woman and started to date her, he got head and had sex with her. He even went sightseeing and took pictures and planned to be with each other. I found out about all this in October 2011, and I begged him and the other woman to please stop and give me a second chance to do whatever I could to save the marriage. He said he would stop talking to her, but he continued, he said he promised to stop 3 more times, but he didn't. Finally I broke down and found a lawyer and wanted to proceed with a divorce. He told me no, he wants to have another chance. After 3 months of this mind torturing, I said ok, I didn't really want to go to a shelter and live as a single mother. Had no college and a job. In November I had started asking questions on why he did the deed in oct and to explain it. He told me, and he said something that beyond hurt me and I slapped him. Then he slapped me back, and I said I was gonna call the police, he said he would give me a reason to call and preceded to beat me, I was naked in bed, he punched me in the legs, butt, back, and jaw.
I made up a story but ppl saw right through me, took him away for 2 weeks and he had to go to an anger management class for 6 months called Alternative to Violence, which helped, which was awesome. I started to get angry over me feeling weak and not strong enough, I had many people ask me why I was still with him, which got my head churning. I felt like he owed me something, and to act his best, which was wrong of me.
So I recently got pregnant and had to cold turkey my anti depressant and started getting irritated easier and yelling and putting him down, thus happened two weeks ago. I keep apologizing for having that happened and would cry cuz I felt bad and didn't want him hurting. My back started hurting and haven't been doing much chore work around the house. Also staying at home all day is horrible, so in motivating and boring a real mood downer. So last night he tells me that he is sick of me bothering him to go out with friends (I want him to spend time with me and my son) and he hates that I do nothing around the house, and that he hates that we have a bad history record and **** keeps being remembered, and he knows there is better out there for him, and that I will never make him happy. I apologized and asked if I could have time to make it up to him. He said he didn't know, what do I do?

Ps I have no one to stay with and no where to go and I am not in any threatening place right now, I just feel helpless and I know that i deserve better and everything, but I want him, I love him.
9 answers 9