I Believe That I Am a Psychopath.?
I have for the past year been considering on and off that I am a sociopath. My parents have frequently described me as selfish. I always go to great lengths to avoid boredom, lots of video games, lots of reading, dvds that I'm interested in and training. I'm very secretive particularly when it comes to my different groups of friends and coworkers - I try to keep everyone apart from each other unless they already knew each other before I met them, even to the extent that it took me nearly a year to introduce a girlfriend to my parents. I've harmed animals in the past for no real good reason. I have been in trouble with the law - albeit for a fairly contrived reason. I frequently say that I do not understand people. I've abused girlfriends and friends and felt no remorse nor ever thought anything I did was wrong. If something bad has happened to me I've always been confused by why other people have been sympathetic frequently asking why they're sorry - it did not happen to them! If the case were reversed I do not feel sympathetic I would offer the socially acceptable "sorry's" or commiseration but I don't actually care. I have serious anger problems - a deep seated burning rage that I feel threatens to consume me if I let it. I have realised that I have no empathy for others and recently come to the conclusion that I am a sociopath. I had thought I may have had empathy because I sometimes cringe when I see violence in movies or the like, but then whenever I encounter injured persons in real life I haven't cared - in fact found some of it amusing.
I have done a fair bit of training in both unarmed and armed combat(mainly knife work, but some firearm work as well) and as such consider myself more dangerous the average person - I am reasonably proficient as I teach people self defence. I also work in the security industry within Australia - mostly in nightclubs at the moment which are places that see a reasonable amount of violence. I keep myself, and the people I work with, in check because I know that because of my training and the industry I work in that I would literally get the book thrown at me if I ever ended up in court. I've also started to move into doing armed work as well, and I do not want to jeopardize my future.
I thought a couple on months back that I was not sociopathic because my dog died and I felt somewhat upset by that - I've realised that I felt upset because it was my dog and as such was my own loss, not someone else. This week my grandfather committed suicide and I've realised that I don't care - all I really care about is my condition. All I can think of is how it inconveniences me because I have to travel a great distance and see family whom I really do not care for. I'm stuck with them, in same house for the next several days. They're miserable, drinking and will soon become abusive towards each other because of internal family politics. The funeral is in two days time as I write this. Since I have realised that I am sociopathic I have been frequently questioning my thoughts as to whether they're normal or if they're a sociopathic thought. I don't understand why they feel sorrow, or guilt or anything. Can you possibly explain any of that to me? I don't understand empathy, or sympathy or love. I had thought I was in love previously but someone in love would never do the things that I did to their significant other - well, not do them and not feel guilt. I care so little I can barely remember what I actually did, at the time I just thought I was rational.
Finishing up I would like to state that I don't feel that their is any point in me seeking therapy because there is no cure for sociopathy at the moment, I have been in therapy previously for depression and found that all it taught me to do was hide what was wrong from people, and even if there was some drug that allows me to feel empathy that it wouldn't even be real empathy because its a pill. There are a number of friends I would like to tell that I am a sociopath, but I am afraid of what will happen. Someone jokingly mentioned that I was a sociopath the other day and I went cold and admitted it, but they didn't believe me because they said I was too nice. Also since I realised I am a sociopath I have been going out of my way to do things for people without ulterior motives. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that people will describe me as a monster. I have long been interested in joining the army, I now think that this would be an even better idea as I can see little use for the way I am in other paths of life and I wonder if you would think this is appropriate.