? asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 8 years ago

Is My First Page Any Good So Far, What Do You Think? PLEASE HELP?:)!?

I sit on the balcony and shift my feet in the pebbles that lie beneath me, it’s nights like these when I think back to how things used to be, before the war, before things changed, and when my Drew, was still here and not gone away with the things he left behind. A cool wind blows and whips a stray hair across my face leaving a stinging sensation.

Looking back into my empty house my sister, brother, and dad sit in the kitchen conversing small talk about nothing that really matters. Since mom died nothings really ever been the same around here, well at least not from my perspective. I remember the night of her fatal accident as if it happened yesterday, mainly because I saw it happen.

I was playing in a little water fountain on the outskirts of our garden, laughing with my sister and trying to shove my brother under the water, but then I heard a loud scream. I turned around to find my mother standing face to face with a bear, she didn’t stand a chance, she tried to fight but it sliced her and she had no time to escape. We buried her right in that spot, and I cried as a fell asleep on her grave that night. It’s been six years now but it’s still a vivid memory that replays in my head every day, if I hadn’t been so busy tormenting my brother maybe I could’ve saved her. But too late now, I suppose; now all I can do is bare my apologies every morning.

I let a tear fall from my eyes and try not to think just for a moment, and picture Drew here with me, his strong arms cradling me as I place my head on his shoulders. He was best friend, the only one who could comfort me, but he’s gone too now. Well not gone, gone, just far away in another country fighting to protect us from the invaders, and he’s a little messed up in the head now too, but still he’s my Drew and there’s no crime in thinking about him right?

My dad doesn’t know anything about me anymore, he thinks that since I’m seventeen I’m more than capable of taking care of myself and don’t him, so he spends all of his time with my Rose, and Nick trying to nurture them while leaving me here to cry. He doesn’t really recall the night of mom’s death or how much I love Drew but he’s in his own world, so I guess I’m better off right? But still as the cold wind blows I wish for just a second this could be a dream.

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  • 8 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    That's very powerful. I really enjoyed reading it.

    One suggestion: I liked how it was my Drew but for the other characters like Rose try eliminating the my. Does that make sense?

    Keep writing!!!!

  • 8 years ago

    Its all really good- all of it. Its gripping and as a reader I want to know more :). Though It was when i got to these paragraphs I thought you could change a few words, its all minor though. I'll change it in caps...

    I was playing in a little water fountain on the outskirts of our garden, laughing with my sister and trying to shove my brother under the water, WHEN I heard a loud scream. I turned around to find my mother standing face to face with a bear, she didn’t stand a chance, she tried to DEFEND HER SELF but it sliced her and she had no time to escape. (here instead of sliced, try giving a more vivid description- create a picture. Use the 5 senses. for example write about the mothers face, bears claws- try and include the reader)

    We buried her right in that spot, and I cried as a fell asleep on her grave that night. It’s been six years now but it’s still a vivid memory that replays in my head every day, if I hadn’t been so busy tormenting my brother maybe I could’ve saved her. But too late now, I suppose; now all I can do is bare my apologies every morning.

    I let a tear fall from my eyes and try not to think just for a moment, and picture Drew here with me, his strong arms cradling me as I place my head on his shoulders. He was best friend, the only one who could comfort me, but he’s gone too now. Well not gone, gone, just far away in another country fighting to protect us from the invaders, and he’s a little messed up in the head now too (INSTEAD OF MESSED UP IN THE HEAD, TRY SOMETHING ELSE E.G. COUPLE OF SCREWS HAVE GONE LOOSE IN HIS HEAD) but still he’s my Drew and there’s no crime in thinking about him right?

    My dad doesn’t know anything about me anymore, he thinks that since I’m seventeen I’m more than capable of taking care of myself and don’t him, so he spends all of his time with my Rose, and Nick trying to nurture them while leaving me here to cry. He doesn’t really recall the night of mom’s death or how much I love Drew but he’s in his own world, so I guess I’m better off right? But still as the cold wind blows I wish for just a second this could be a dream

    All in all, a good first page!

    Source(s): moi.
  • 8 years ago

    Thats outstandingly good! Keep it up!

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