BK asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 8 years ago

Read and review these four poems please?

I have a page on FB where I like to post my poetry, drawings, and model pics. I would we really appreciate some feedback on my poetry! I have many but I just link these four.

and its fine if you check out my photos/sketches as well but I'm looking specifically for feedback on my writing. I know my drawing needs work lol

Seriously, I asked this question before and they just didnt understand that :P

Midnight:http://www.facebook.com/notes/marscoloredmurder/mi...

Nelumbo Nucifera: http://www.facebook.com/notes/marscoloredmurder/ne...

Summer Day, Winter Night: http://www.facebook.com/notes/marscoloredmurder/su...

Twister: http://www.facebook.com/notes/marscoloredmurder/tw...

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  • Anonymous
    8 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Lotus flower:

    I loved it, especially:

    I am kissed by the afternoon sun

    rising to my glory with crisp, fresh arms

    I loved the kissed by the afternoon sun part. Sun represents light, beauty and knowledge. I wrote something kind of similar to yours a while back, I will put the link in the source in case you want to read it. But "Rising to my glory with crisp, fresh arms" doesn't seem to fit for me. A different metaphor would bring this to life.

    "Rising to my glory with fresh, crisp wings"

    Arms can't really be crisp. Unless they are in a packet. I do not wish to offend, just offer my two cents.

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    Summer day, winter night:

    It was good but I think "ocean's eyes" not "ocean eyes". It is a metaphor but I do not know what it means. Perhaps Ocean blue eyes or something that would help you paint the character more vividly with your words.

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    I really loved the Twister as well. One small thing I like to point out

    Bail from the audio siren…

    It sounds as if a loudness is tired

    There is only one siren, so shouldn't it be as if "the" loudness is tired. Or use sirens and it all gets evened out. Again, your call.

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    Midnight:

    Holy mother of god, that was one hell of a read. Very nicely done. Beautiful work, amazing scenery, suspense, fear, unexpected ending. I will remember that if I write another horror poem. I would have never thought of this ending, because it is so unexpected. Thank you for teaching me that. There are a few typos:

    her stalks behind, leering

    he breath is tight a eerie

    he;s lost to her eyes and long hair

    Anyways well done and thank you for 4 beautiful poems.

  • HD
    Lv 7
    8 years ago

    You may get more comments if you actually post the poems here. Not everyone does facebook.

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