BK asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 8 years ago

Read and review these four poems please?

I have a page on FB where I like to post my poetry, drawings, and model pics. I would we really appreciate some feedback on my poetry! I have many but I just link these four.

and its fine if you check out my photos/sketches as well but I'm looking specifically for feedback on my writing. I know my drawing needs work lol

Seriously, I asked this question before and they just didnt understand that :P


Nelumbo Nucifera: http://www.facebook.com/notes/marscoloredmurder/ne...

Summer Day, Winter Night: http://www.facebook.com/notes/marscoloredmurder/su...

Twister: http://www.facebook.com/notes/marscoloredmurder/tw...

2 Answers

  • Anonymous
    8 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Lotus flower:

    I loved it, especially:

    I am kissed by the afternoon sun

    rising to my glory with crisp, fresh arms

    I loved the kissed by the afternoon sun part. Sun represents light, beauty and knowledge. I wrote something kind of similar to yours a while back, I will put the link in the source in case you want to read it. But "Rising to my glory with crisp, fresh arms" doesn't seem to fit for me. A different metaphor would bring this to life.

    "Rising to my glory with fresh, crisp wings"

    Arms can't really be crisp. Unless they are in a packet. I do not wish to offend, just offer my two cents.


    Summer day, winter night:

    It was good but I think "ocean's eyes" not "ocean eyes". It is a metaphor but I do not know what it means. Perhaps Ocean blue eyes or something that would help you paint the character more vividly with your words.


    I really loved the Twister as well. One small thing I like to point out

    Bail from the audio siren…

    It sounds as if a loudness is tired

    There is only one siren, so shouldn't it be as if "the" loudness is tired. Or use sirens and it all gets evened out. Again, your call.



    Holy mother of god, that was one hell of a read. Very nicely done. Beautiful work, amazing scenery, suspense, fear, unexpected ending. I will remember that if I write another horror poem. I would have never thought of this ending, because it is so unexpected. Thank you for teaching me that. There are a few typos:

    her stalks behind, leering

    he breath is tight a eerie

    he;s lost to her eyes and long hair

    Anyways well done and thank you for 4 beautiful poems.

  • HD
    Lv 7
    8 years ago

    You may get more comments if you actually post the poems here. Not everyone does facebook.

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