Anonymous asked in Society & CultureReligion & Spirituality · 7 years ago

To all with knowledge and understanding of psychology, and spirituality?

This is a complex question and requires some patience so bare with me..

I am 19 years old. Been on a path of "spiritual awakening" or understanding of self and universe for about 4 maybe 5 years now. I would not consider myself to be religious nor atheist. Since I believe religion is just a way for individuals to become intermediaries between "GOd" and the masses to gain wealth authority and power and control which is what all religions have successfully integrated into society for Millennium I do not believe someone needs to go to temple or church to connect with the divine oneness however this is not the purpose of this question..

I have been meditating since that time in the hope of benefiting my self in various ways that meditation does. I have studied religious concepts and symbolism in my own time and just putting pieces together. I have taken many standpoints and corridors to knowledge and understanding. Psychological techniques, physiological techniques, cognitive behavioural therapy. I have ingested various psychoactive compounds to alter the perception of my reality. I have come a long way from when I started and have learn-ed many so called "truths"..

Cabala, eastern spirituality Hinduism, quantum physics. I have taken aspects from everything, since every subject comes under one "the workings of the universe" I realise this collective reality we all share is only a tiny fraction since we only decode the universe in 5 senses which is a huge limiter to data. We are computers (biological) programmes, running a software.

I am x10 less ignorant then I was 3 years ago, 10x more open minded, yet with all this I feel more alone then ever I feel with every step I take in the road another two more present themselves I feel my faith is soon going to collapse it feels my life is breaking down, and I am in forever darkness.

I started meditation through the "dark force" intention focused on negative drives such as being greater then everybody else shining brighter then everybody. Using hatred as fuel, if I was angry I would meditate with the emotion of anger for that person and keep it burning.. After a while I REALISED, that this was only self consuming and so changed everything I was doing.

I have become a lot better at it all now but still I have problems using the "chakra" model I can tell my primary issues resolve where the so called "anahata" chakra is located or otherwise the heart centre which I understanding is symbolic for the "we" level the dimension humans share, compassion for self and others reside here, I have heard in order to progress in spiritual level one must master there lower 4 chakras well quite frankly my 4th feels fucked.. I

Tried to commit suiced 2 months ago because I lost my job (poor excuse) but for three years my life has felt like it is on repeat and I feel stagnant and waste, ungrateful, unapreciative I managed to sever all ties with family because of my own selfish desires (all I had in mind was party, and I would do anything to do that I had no care to find work or study) after a while the partying was no longer a decent scapegoat from my negative feelings and I soon had the revelation of what I had been doing... One day 2 months ago I had enough and after much time spent contemplating death and the after life I decided that today was the day I was going to do it. I took 50 tablets of paracetamol. I did not care that my family and friends would be devastated of my death nor the potential of a timeless void for the rest of eternity after my life force had dwindled away from my physical body. All I thought was "why spend a life filled with unsatisfied desires and disappointment" 6 hours after taking them I started throwing up (obviously by this point I had already digested most of the tablets)

One thing about paracetamol overdose is. You don't just pop a handful of pills and nighty night. Of to the dream world never to return again... It can take days to die at which point I did not realise. Going to bed with the certainty of death the next morning only to find myself waking up in excruciating agony... So I failed and spent seven days in hospital. How humiliating. Strangely I was not glad I survived and to this very second kind of wish I had died.

I have too much hatred in my heart, maybe I have corrupted myself, maybe I was born twisted, maybe drugs, alcohol and weed have altered my mind state to a pessimistic one. Maybe I have been meditating wrongly. "I am skeptical of everything by the way" And open minded and question everything from every angle maybe too much. How do I rid my self of desires and this reptilian mind. Forget enlightenment a little piece of mind would be nice

I am constantly on an emotional roller coaster with extremes ends of the emotional spectrum please help any comments?

11 Answers

  • 7 years ago
    Best Answer

    Max, I am grateful that you are alive today.

    It is a given - Life takes you on a roller coaster.

    It is not right to take anyone's life, including your own. So dont every go that path again. Let whatever you want be - desires, enlightenment, piece/peace of mind. If they are to come to you, they will in their own time. Right now life has come, back to you! For now be grateful that you have another chance to make whatever happen. Losing a job (for whatever reason) is normal. When you do not have a job, make it your job to find a job, do some voluntary work. Do some rigourous exercises/ brisk walks, drink lots of water to clear your body.

    Love you,


    P.S.: You have tried many spiritual lines. I strongly suggest you give this a go - learn and practice Sudarshan kriya yoga - This clears the nervous system.

  • 7 years ago

    You're digging too deep for what can only be disappointment. 19 is a very uncertain & confusing age, & you sound pretty intelligent for 19. Why don't you focus that intelligence on something useful & real? You have so much growing to do, and spirituality & enlightenment should come naturally in time. You will get that eureka moment, but until then, find something important to do with your life. Finally, I think you should cease with the substances, it will never do you any good.

  • 7 years ago

    It is common to go through great difficulties on the spiritual path. Sometimes the pain is a spur to more growth. I would urge you to get help, hardly anyone can get through on their own.

    There are bound to be self help groups, therapists, spiritual groups near where you live - visit them and get to know people who may turn out to have much in common with you. No one out there has "the answer", but there are those who can help. There are many who have gone through drugs and got well.

    Even if people seem to only partially understand, they might be able to help.

  • 7 years ago

    Not a strange path at all. Many of us have been up that path. If heaven is real why stay here. And then you try to go to heaven, all that happens is you cripple yourself for life and have to still wait it out the hard way by staying here and living. Oh well so much for that one. It is like you say. You are not to leave because all you have to take with you is hatred and nobody wants you up there with them like that. So I can see you are going to have to get over it if you want to go there.

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  • 7 years ago

    We souls incarnate on earth in order to speed up our spiritual growth. We need to experience difficulties. So its best to behave like a student and be detached and willing to learn - don't get too emotionally caught up with your life.

    “Our soul is a single unit of consciousness that stems from the creator’s consciousness. This is known as “Infinite consciousness.” All units of consciousness are interconnected to all other types of consciousness. Everything that exists is called the “Creator” (also known as the Source). Infinite consciousness is the universal energy that exists everywhere or “All that is.”

    Each one of us was given a divine mission – go away and explore ourselves. Learn, grow, and understand everything that has been created and eventually rejoin the Creator after having learnt everything that is infinitely possible to experience and having acquired the highest understanding of creation itself or “All that is.” Your path of evolution is unique to you, but you are not separate from other souls, rather your individuality is your unique story and journey to understand creation.

    Your mission is achieved by ascending your individual consciousness through each of the dimensions within the universe. To begin your mission, you had to experience a variety of intense “third density” (i.e. the physical universe) lessons on Earth, INCLUDING SELFISHNESS, PAIN, POVERTY, LOVE, ANGER, ETC. Earth is a planet to begin evolving your consciousness at the infant level, until you consciously realize this illusion and choose to stop experiencing these dense lessons and decide to continue your spiritual growth beyond this dimension.”

  • 7 years ago

    OK, Step Number One: seek professional help.

  • Anonymous
    7 years ago

    '' I have ingested various psychoactive compounds to alter the perception of my reality", i can tell

  • Anonymous
    7 years ago

    So you're emotionally unstable. Yeah, that happens.

    Source(s): Emotional Intelligence.
  • TLDR, but Spirituality is a bunch of nonsense. You shoudl search for truth by knowing, not feeling.

  • Adam
    Lv 6
    7 years ago

    Way too long to read, God doesn't exist, just live your life, man.

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