I have the most passive aggressive mother-in-law on this planet and a husband with no balls! HELP!?
Wow I'm mortified to even be putting this on here but I need some perspective/opinions. (PLEASE DO NOT BE RUDE OR JUDGMENTAL IF YOU ANSWER, I AM HAVING A VERY HARD TIME DEALING WITH THIS ALREADY). My mother in law is INCREDIBLY passive aggressive, here are some examples of her behavior...every single time she is confronted with anything she gets defensive and then proceeds with how she is so unappreciated by everyone and she of course never does anything wrong but is quick to tell you everything everyone else does! She persistently brings up her "terrible upbringing and overly exaggerated personal misfortune as a child" which A. Is a total lie and B. has NOTHING to do with the conversations ever, but it's one of her excuses and she has ALOT of them! She may be the most stubborn person alive; she recently hung up on my husband after a disagreement and then ignored us both for 2 solid months bc she simply refused to admit she was wrong. Crap I could honestly go on and on and I won't even mention how she's treated me....the witch who moved in and stole her ONLY child away from her! The real problem behind this rant is my husband has an excuse for every.single.thing she does and I'm about to loose what's left of my mind! This most recent argument was the FIRST time in our 4 year marriage he has ever stood up to her and didnt give in to her crap which is why she stopped talking to him...she MUST have control at al times. What makes all of this even worse is that apparently comments have been made in the past between the two of them in regards/comparison to how I cook & clean and how it's not quite as adequate as how she does it. I'm not sure what hurts worse knowing my own husband talks about me behind my back or that clearly I'll never be good enough...well ok that's ALOT to absorb and not even the half of it but I just need to know how others would handle this bs if they were in my shoes! One last tidbit to mention I packed up and moved to a town where I had no family, friends ect. to be with this man so I've got nobody on my side or anyone to turn to for advice! We also have a child together which just makes everything that much harder! Ok I'm done....help me :(
I have no idea how to respond when someone answers a question so I thought I'd write it here. Thank you to all of you who answered its comforting to know I'm not the only one dealing with this. I did want to mention to you all that stated I should talk to my husban in regards to the taking about me behind my back stuff.....yea I did that and he denied that it was ever said....of course! I have not only recieved multiple phone calls periodically from my MIL asking if I needed to borrow HER cleaning equipment but I've also been bought cook books that are filled with recipes "***** just loves". Haha! In a discussion infront of his mother/father and I my husband said "she has been doing better with cooking and cleaning and really trying now" UMMMMMMMM when was it ever mentioned that I wast before?!?!?! (so yea he "didn't say that" is a total lie) If we didn't have achild together I would've been gone a long time ago but to be honest I
- SofttouchmaleLv 78 years agoFavorite Answer
I'll tell you how I handled it.
In my marriage, my mother in law was a ruthless c-word. She was judgmental, mean-spirited, controlling, abusive, and arrogant.
If she didn't get her way, she'd blame her grandmother's insanity, her mother's suicide, her dad's untimely death, her stint in a Catholic orphanage, and my father-in-law for everything that was wrong in this world.
Enter me. Once the engagement was announced, she would criticize me for everything I did. It didn't matter what. She'd complain I didn't go up to Kentucky and work on their farm, for free, for the summer -- as if I had the financial ability to just quit my job. She'd excoriate me in front of my wife, and try and humiliate me in front of other family members.
You know what? I ignored her. With the wedding she had to have the final say on everything. So I paid for the wedding and took it all away from her. The more she complained the more I ignored her.
Eventually she was bitter. So much so that it was totally irrational. Even my father-in-law would have to take her to the mat on some of the crap that came out of her mouth.
Soon she simply stopped communicating. I was fine by that. And as she got older she realized she'd p*ssed off enough family members that she'd try and buy their affections back, only to lash out at them and dredge up past slights from decades before.
Some people are unhappy. They can never be pleased. So your husband better just man-up to the fact that his mom is a controlling, manipulating person.
Finally, he married you. That means he agreed to stand tall for you whether you're right or wrong. Its that simple. If he can't do that then he's failed you.
Heck just tell him you want a divorce because of his mom and his ball-less inability to defend his family from her tirades.
Eventually he's going to have to stand tall or move in with his mom and he can be visiting daddy from now on.
I doubt he'd sacrifice his family just to let his mom "win" in this ridiculous, silly and outrageous war.
There. I hope that helps.
- 8 years ago
Show me a woman/man who actually likes their mother-in-law and I will show you a unicorn. You're so not alone. I hated my mother-in-law. Her problem was the same passive aggressiveness, but she also likes to play both sides of the fence. She did it with her daughter-in-laws, grandchildren, and own children. You are entitled to feel how you do about her and interact with her with what makes you and your husband feel comfortable. Now your husband not having balls, well give him a break. It's his mom. It's hard to stand up to your parents. NOW as far as him degrading you behind your back, then seriously, he doesn't respect you and you two have an issue. He's going to need to find some. Talk to him about HIS wrongdoing. He may not be able to stand up to, or want to stand up to his mom and believe me, I know that just makes you want to SLAP him, but you can't make anyone do anything. IF he doesn't start respecting you, well, then you should know where he stands and find you someone that will respect you.
- Anonymous8 years ago
Hi and I hear you - I too have a mom in law like this which I think breeds children like our men - what I found works is to agree with her for example when she says you don't keep a tidy house agree inevitiably she will then pick up on something else you do wrong agree with that too eventually and I do mean eventually (this takes time) she will either make a mistake by contraditing herself for example my mom in law always moans about how I don't look after things I agreed with her. A while later she said I don't take pride in my home and said my dinner service is about 20 years old and if I was more house proud I would change small things like this all I said was "strange that this hasn't been broken yet hey!" She now thinks a bit before she speaks out of turn - good luck its difficult.
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- SaraLv 44 years ago
If she lives with you then there needs to be some house rules. If her callers can not be courteous then tell her to get a cell phone and they can call her on that rather then use the house phone. As far as the gifts go join the club don't take it so personal she is a stupid woman and really wants to get under your skin. When you deal with a lier believe nothing they say. Ask the person in front of them what you were told and have them fill in the blanks. Tell them in front of her that you need to ask because she tells half a story. It will soon stop but the road will be a little bumpy but once she can't get away with this crap it will stop.
- grneyedgrlyLv 48 years ago
Wow! You are definitely in a bind. I had a husband who was the same way and for that very reason, we could no longer be together. He didn't know how to stand up to his mom either, and by the time he learned how, I was already too turned off by him being so passive. He's a great person, but anywho....for me, I have a very big mouth to put it bluntly. I hold nothing back, especially when someone is crapping on me. My ex mother in law would NEVER think to act the way she did toward my ex husband to me. One time I told her to her face that she was as FAKE as the **** on her chest! I handed her her azz on several occasions. With you and your husband, unfortunately one of you is going to have to stand up to her and if your husband can't then you have a bigger issue and that's to decide if this is how you want to live. One thing my mom taught me is "what you allow you encourage". If your husband has no balls and you tell him nothing, and he continues to tolerate his mom's bad behavior, then YOU are just as guilty. I do wish you the best.
- LurchLv 58 years ago
Take the reins of your destiny, a son is your son until he takes a wife.
A daughter is a daughter all her life. My mother had a marriage ruined by a mother in-law she looked up to because he was spineless. You need to confront him about what he is saying to his mother. If he has a problem he needs to take it up with you and you only. Loyal to God, Wife, Children, then mother & father. The old bird is a few pegs down the poll and he needs to say it to you.
And as for her when she is cutting you down. Say thank you for your opinion it matters that you care enough to share what you think. Some of it hurts, so if you would like me to benifit from it please try to put it in a positive light so that I can us it rather than resent it.
My mother told my now wife to not give me any kids because I am bat$$$t crazy.
I told my mother, that this was the girl I was gonna marry. And she did not need to be a part of my life if she does not respect my choices. She did influence the choices but not in a positive way
- sweetpeaLv 58 years ago
I had this problem once as well... and she is now my EX mother in law. She sounds like a real *****! And she knows it upsets you, which is why she is doing it. Its about control, because you married her precious son. I eventually just set boundaries, and avoided my ex mil at all costs. If she was coming over, I would leave. If my ex husband wanted to see his mom, he could do it by himself. My ex would never cut the apron strings, and it really took a toll on our marriage. I also just told her off myself on a few occasions when my ex would not have the balls to tell her to get bent.
- PatriciaLv 78 years ago
Your MIL isn't passive aggressive, but she does suffer from low self esteem and jealosy, for two. She seems a bit controlling in the meantime.
Your MIL is an unhappy and maladjusted person who is envious and obviously doesn't have a life of her own. She doesn't like herself so she tries to make herself feel better (if only for a moment) by either being judgmental or else having a verbal pity party about how she's not appreciated and etc.
Truth be told this woman is to be pitied. She has mental health issues.
Your best bet is to stop reacting to her behaviors. Instead, avoid commenting or involving yourself in her negativity. If she starts talking about how bad she has it, change the subject as if she never said a word. "Nice day isn't it?" is better than a negative reaction. Or ask her for advice, "do you think your son looks better in red or brown?" (as if you're going to buy him a new shirt). Divert her attention.
If you react negatively to her behaviors, you are giving her fuel to continue them. This is what she is used to receiving and in the absence of the fuel, she will EVENTUALLY come to some changes. It may take a while, but believe me, i have dealt with people like her and changing the subject or simply acting as if they are not speaking is far better than reacting and responding.
You are letting her bring your self-esteem down with hers!! You keep your dignity, and behave like a lady. Let her act like a clown.
Your husband has "excuses" for what she does because he is accustom to her behavior and realizes it's not going to change anytime soon. If he "feeds" her negativity, she will continue talking to him about negative things and feelings. If he starts ignoring it, and changing the subject, not reacting, she will eventually cut out the crap.
You're good enough. Believe it!