Good opening to my story?

Below is the opening of my story for children at around the age of eleven. Please tell me what you think.

As usual, I was the one standing as flat as I could against the row of lockers as a swarm of teenagers rushed through the corridor, naming as many as I could as they walked past. Nina Goswell and her 'crew' arm in arm, layers and layers of makeup on their faces, gossiping about boys. Tracy Moore and Emily Keen texting on their phones. Jake Bradford staring at the sight before him, bronze eyes wide with amazement.

Everyone froze and slowly made way for the beautiful stranger that had entered the building. Her wavy soot black hair swayed as she made her way past the crowd, school books clutched to her chest, her mysterious goldish eyes anxious. I watched curiously as she took in the sight of all the dazzled people, shocked when her eyes stayed on me for a few seconds, then watching as they rested on Jake. The two gazed at each other as everyone started to move, then separated when the bell rang.

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  • 8 years ago
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    It's good but the first sentence runs on a bit. Plus at first it sounds like the swarm of teenagers are naming something, so you might want to rephrase that. What is Jake doing before everyone freezes? He could use some personality too. I'm also curious how close the main character is if she can see the color of the new girl's eyes. It seems like she and Jake know each other which reminds me a little of Grease. I'm also curious who the main character is friends with or is she the type that stays on the sidelines? It's not a bad start, but feels like it could use a little fleshing out.

    Good luck!

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  • 8 years ago

    Its good. I like it, use more punctuation.

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