I'm sick and tired of being a walking disaster, and there is no end in sight?

I'm a f*cking mess, and I have been for a few years now.

Hubby is a cheater. And a liar. And a master manipulator. Cheated, I busted him, he put me through hell as he decided what he wanted to do, kept chasing tail. . . I tried to kill myself, and wow, whiz, bang, pop, *then* he decided I was worthy and he wanted to work at our marriage.

Except, I'm past the point of no return. I don't feel angry any more, I don't feel much at all. . . I just feel empty and sad. I know I love him - somewhere inside, if I think hard enough, I can dig up that old feeling - but I don't really feel love. Like, I feel nothing *in the moment* any more, I'm always one step removed and looking down at myself and sighing and shaking my head and feeling nothing but regret. Regret at how it all played out, that it can not be fixed, that I am still here.

I am currently dealing with a medical issue, one that conceivably affects my mood. So. . . am I depressed because my life is in a shambles, or because of my thyroid? Or both? I don't know. You throw my period into the mix, and seriously, I feel so volatile I have to go and hide in the Ladies' Room for fear of lashing out at some random person.

I have three children who I love so much, and yet - I feel like I must be a horrible mother, for I think about quitting on them every day.

My husband and I work opposite schedules, it is the only way we can afford our home and children, so I am more or less a single parent half the time, and at work the other half.

I am tired. I am sad. I don't want to keep going. I do because I am ashamed, I think about suicide every single day, I long to end this. This is not the life I wanted, it isn't even a skewed version of the life I wanted. This? This is $hit. There is no joy, there is no hope, there is nothing but this shuffle through every f*cking day, pretending I am all right, and that life holds some meaning for me. It doesn't. I'm a f*cking shell.

I wish I had never had children. Then I could just go. Awesome mother, huh?

Anyway - my point is there are so many reasons for us humans to feel down. . . I have all those regular reasons, plus all of this bull$hit with my husband which doesn't seem to end. I feel like $hit - all the time. I'm f*cking sick of feeling this way.

I don't really even know what I am looking for in terms of *answers*, here - I've no doubt most people who happen to read this would tell me to get divorced. Sure, that would be the *right thing* - but that will not help *me* with this my problem of getting out of bed in the morning. I'll still have to care for my kids, my home, go to work, be phoney. . . and I don't want to. I want to stop BEING.

I want to kill myself, and I can't. I have to continue to function as a suicidally depressed person. How? How, how, HOW?


8 Answers

  • 8 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Yes. You are an awesome mother. In spite of your intense need to lay down & die, you do not.

    Been there...a few times....as a matter of fact, when things are darkest in my world, I haunt these kinds of places...looking for "my kind." Those of us who are broken.

    Yes, your thyroid AND your situation are crushing you...your period comment made me chuckle...last week....well last week was a nightmare.

    The good news is you have at least a little piece of you who does not want to quit....a part that is not ready to give up & die. How do I know this? You would not have reached out across the web with this post if you were truly finished. I grieve 3 peeps I lost to suicide. They all quietly slipped away, with out warning...well....some signs of depression if a person is looking for them....but no real clear ones, like the kinds of statements you make.

    I don't have the luxury of throwing in the towel either. This is a horrible place, this world. My child would be entirely alone in it. I may not be much, but I am all he's got.

    DO NOT try to get the love back for the guy....you will only end up right back here again, sooner or later. Of course you're a mess...look at what you're dealing with.

    Your inability to feel is definitely depression, I'd bet money on it & I don't have a nickel to waste. Talk with your doc, there are probably things that can be done to mitigate the physical aspects of it.

    Try to summon some feelings of empathy for your kids right now. I know it's tough, but it can be your back bone until you are healthier. Think of what they have gone through, watching their mother fall apart, their father or father figure leave for a piece of tail....and then think of them alone in the world...

    I know you don't want to hear that, I know you want an easier way...somebody to absolve you of your duty so that you can slip away....but a little piece of you wants a reason to hang on too....

    If it's any consolation to you....May 25 my 3rd marriage tanked....he left for his little piece of tail....I'm a mess....in hell again, but I can say from experience that it does (or at least did twice) get better....I don't think I once I'm healed up I ever want to get into the pool again....but there is life on the other side of broken....you just have to hang in there until it happens...

    Source(s): Hanging in there
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  • india
    Lv 7
    8 years ago

    Here, girlfriend, have a seat at my table and I'll pour some coffee. I so understand this. I could have written it myself if you had substituted scary hallucinations for the asshole husband. I'm so sorry.

    Here's what is normal: "Except, I'm past the point of no return. I don't feel angry any more, I don't feel much at all. . . I just feel empty and sad." Isn't it sad that this is part of the process? Feeling like we're beyond hope is part of the deal. I felt like that too. I was sure I was the only person on earth who could not be helped and really should just end my life. It can get better. You have to work and it's not easy, but it can get better.

    You have to talk to a counselor about the suicidal feelings and hopelessness. Right now. Now now. OK? I know that I run the risk of being too pushy here, but I wish someone had given me a good kick in the ***. I think you're posting from the US, so I'm giving you the National Suicide Hotline. If not, then I will find you a more local hotline. 1-800-SUICIDE. They saved my life and I'm glad I called.

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  • 8 years ago

    You need to see a doctor and have your depression treated. If one medication doesn't work, try another until it starts to get better. My mother was on 7 different ones before they found the right one and she is so much happier now. If you aren't seeing a therapist you should be as well.

    Go back and remember what it was you wanted your life to be. Work from there. Just because you have children doesn't mean you can't have what it is you wanted now. I think your husband cheating had a big effect on your self esteem and you need to fix that. You should also tell your husband exactly how you feel and that you may need some time and you need his support to help you now. He owes you that.

    As for the health problems, they are little tougher but with time they can be fixed.

    Don't give up. Take it one day at a time and everyday think of one thing to do for yourself only, like go sit in a park for a half hour and cry or read a book or go for a walk or daydream. Whatever you feel like doing that day.

    Good luck! The first step is to stop thinking of suicide. It can't be an option

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  • Sean
    Lv 5
    8 years ago

    You sound as you're more than fed up and perhaps the problem isn't entirely with your husband but also yourself. Perhaps the meds for your thyroid are making you depressed? You are depressed, obviously so I don't want to tell you things that you already know. In all honesty, my blunt advice is to seek professional help for yourself first then your marriage. Also seek guidance from your local church leader. You have too much to live for even if it's only your children which is more than enough reason. They don't want to be without their mommy. I'm sure your life will get easier in due time but you have to fight the fight. Despite the circumstances, your life could always be worse so be grateful for everyone and everything in your life. My family came from poverty, drugs and gangs, my mother lost a son, both my parents are now terminally ill but you know what? Life goes on and you can choose to swim or sink! My parents don't own houses or cars and have absolutely no assets currently in their "retirement" so they were born with nothing and will die with nothing. They lost a child to a vicious murder and suffered more than you can imagine, and despite being terminally ill, they're still thankful to God everyday. After having survived tremendous loss that has nearly destroyed me, I've developed alligator skin and I'm tougher now. I hope you look at yourself like a ground-ball and bounce back from all of this. Your children will always love and need you. Please get some help. I love and care for you although I don't know so I'll keep you in my prayers!

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  • 4 years ago

    I'm SICK and TIRED of only having 1 day off a week!

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  • Eric L
    Lv 5
    8 years ago

    Find the pieces of your life that you can change, and change them. Its not true that you can't change anything. Leave your husband with or without the kids, quit your job and find another, take up mixed martial arts to relieve frustration, whatever. Pick something small to change, change it, get positive energy from the success. repeat.

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  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    the only reason you feel so bad about yourseldf is because of your Husband, hope you understand that it is he you really hate and want to kill bu since that would not be right you turn all your anger and hate on yourself blaming you for how you feel. lets chat odela195010@yahoo.com all i can say is you really need to get away fron him becuase this is what has happened to all your love of life beauty. yes your still going to have to deal with life but you will not have to deal with the person that put you on this downward spiral. my name is Orlando

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  • 8 years ago

    okok...calm down....think off al lives beauties..I know u can't see anything beautiful now, caus been in ur shoes..try changing ur diet.....for a week eat juts raw fruits and veggies..eata s much as u can..don't limit urself..this will detox ur body, which will help ur brain, ur thyroid .........it isn't hard, no cooking, no preparation...just wash and eat..although there r some fruits I heard which isn''t indicated for thyroid

    and drink a lot of water

    as its vacation...get some days off and take them out..maybe somewhere quiet, in the nature..:)..some beach area..or just on weekend, go somewhere near

    change the decoration of ur home ..change ur clothes a lil........and just forget about ur husband at the moment....as u see him so lil time..think as u r a single mom

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