I'm sick and tired of being a walking disaster, and there is no end in sight?
Hubby is a cheater. And a liar. And a master manipulator. Cheated, I busted him, he put me through hell as he decided what he wanted to do, kept chasing tail. . . I tried to kill myself, and wow, whiz, bang, pop, *then* he decided I was worthy and he wanted to work at our marriage.
Except, I'm past the point of no return. I don't feel angry any more, I don't feel much at all. . . I just feel empty and sad. I know I love him - somewhere inside, if I think hard enough, I can dig up that old feeling - but I don't really feel love. Like, I feel nothing *in the moment* any more, I'm always one step removed and looking down at myself and sighing and shaking my head and feeling nothing but regret. Regret at how it all played out, that it can not be fixed, that I am still here.
I am currently dealing with a medical issue, one that conceivably affects my mood. So. . . am I depressed because my life is in a shambles, or because of my thyroid? Or both? I don't know. You throw my period into the mix, and seriously, I feel so volatile I have to go and hide in the Ladies' Room for fear of lashing out at some random person.
I have three children who I love so much, and yet - I feel like I must be a horrible mother, for I think about quitting on them every day.
My husband and I work opposite schedules, it is the only way we can afford our home and children, so I am more or less a single parent half the time, and at work the other half.
I am tired. I am sad. I don't want to keep going. I do because I am ashamed, I think about suicide every single day, I long to end this. This is not the life I wanted, it isn't even a skewed version of the life I wanted. This? This is $hit. There is no joy, there is no hope, there is nothing but this shuffle through every f*cking day, pretending I am all right, and that life holds some meaning for me. It doesn't. I'm a f*cking shell.
I wish I had never had children. Then I could just go. Awesome mother, huh?
Anyway - my point is there are so many reasons for us humans to feel down. . . I have all those regular reasons, plus all of this bull$hit with my husband which doesn't seem to end. I feel like $hit - all the time. I'm f*cking sick of feeling this way.
I don't really even know what I am looking for in terms of *answers*, here - I've no doubt most people who happen to read this would tell me to get divorced. Sure, that would be the *right thing* - but that will not help *me* with this my problem of getting out of bed in the morning. I'll still have to care for my kids, my home, go to work, be phoney. . . and I don't want to. I want to stop BEING.
I want to kill myself, and I can't. I have to continue to function as a suicidally depressed person. How? How, how, HOW?
I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANY MORE. I WASN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE TODAY.