Will you comment, expand on, or deny this please?

I grew up surrounded

in the company

of old farmers blather

as they chattered

rocking in going nowhere

synchronicity.

Always told to be silent

as they rambled on

about weather and crop reports

not allowed to offer retorts

I teased the seeds of grain

that blew from some pickup truck

choosing to chase luck and bugs

shutting up and in

who I wanted to be

they wouldn't let me insert

my own verbs or adjectives

into conversations, their objective.

"What can she possibly know?"

Update:

TY Tariel, ya already don't like my stuff, why not just leave me alone?

12 Answers

Relevance
  • 8 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    The third line is a little awkward, again read it aloud, read your poetry aloud and you can find problems in flow of the poem as well as changing words that fit on paper but were just to damn weird to read aloud. You would not believe how many times I've rewritten my poems so that if I chose to read them aloud they sounded as good as they were on paper.

    (remember that poems are MEANT, to be read aloud.)

    Again hand someone thus poem and ask them to read aloud so that the common person can read it without problems, they will likely stumble over that last word in the first quatrain. I had to spen almost a full minute trying to pronounce it. Then a few more trying to get its meaning. I am not saying you are stupid, I'm telling you that now. The first quatrain is the only one that has problems in my opinion.

    And I think you do not know the meaning of synchronicity, it is two or more unrelated events coming together. When they are unlikely to occur together. They are experienced and Occur all together in a meaningful way. It does not mean what you are implying. A very simply word search can tell you that, again I am not saying you are stupid, I'm saying you just nabbed a word that seems like it would mean what you wanted but it didn't mean that.

    Try to find another word to go there, I don't know of one. But you would be looking for a word that means 'in tandem with…' right? I would get dictionary.com in one page then the thesaurus.com in another and make sure of the meaning of the word.

  • xcvfvf
    Lv 5
    8 years ago

    The two times you use in "rocking in" and "shutting up and in" I get from it that the character is being introverted, but I think you can find a stronger way to phrase that, or at least use it only once.

    Id like to hear more about the town and how things work and the way you (or the character) felt there. Here I am only getting a sense that the character was more or less ignored, her (his) opinion not wanted, but all children are treated this way....so id like to here about more than just that.

    Also I found it odd that you would rhyme only some lines every here or there and keep the rest free verse. The rhymes sound strange when they do come, since they seemed to be thrown in randomly.

  • 8 years ago

    Sweetness and Light,

    Please take Tariel's time and effort as a compliment. No one spends that much time commenting on poetry they don't like. Lord knows, I find it awkward to simply praise a poem. What's the point in my existence? And I have to say, your poems are so tight and so well-phrased that I am left shivering in the rain. Could you at least offer SOME little pitty-pats for me to chew on? Imagine a little kitten looking up at you with apricot eyes.

    I regret that I am not responding to your poem but to your theme. I always carried books with me, because the grown-ups were boring and had no interest in the thought processes of children. So it was books, books, books, unless my cousins and siblings gathered together to invade the hay stacks and the manure patches and the old and new eggs and the fluttering chickens and the irritated rooster. The weeds in the vegetable garden and the trucks blaring horns down a country road that had somehow become a highway. Kids perched like produce in the mimosa tree, drinking root beer and smoking candy cigarettes, pretending we were pirates and robbers.

    How awful for you, to not have books, and be conscripted into the conversation of boring adults!

    To this day I hate that situation.

  • rawl
    Lv 4
    3 years ago

    i think of Bush might desire to be impeached for conflict crimes, yet i don't experience sorry for Obama. Obama smears everybody else 24/7, that's his total technique decrease everybody else down because of the fact his very own resume is so skinny. Obama denies it (yet that's what con artists do) yet he's the main detrimental and harsh underhanded strategist in politics. he's no longer staggering and nor a sparkling style of flesh presser, until your conversing approximately somebody with the audacity to have Axelrod be his undesirable Cop at the same time as Obama cliams to be above the fray. possibly that's a sparkling low in politics. so which you think of everybody is going to experience sorry for Obama? he's trashed Hillary and he or she's an surprising candidate and the 1st lady. you're probably some 20 3 hundred and sixty 5 days old who believes the smear she's in basic terms a liar and a presidents spouse... or that McCain needs a hundred years of conflict... Obama is the nastiest smear monger in politics. He needs to initiate nuclear conflict with Pakistan and smeared bill Clinton as a racist, and we are meant to experience sorry for him? BO's disunited the Democratic social gathering and could be democrat loss #3, and did no longer have the staying power to paintings his way up in Washington. somewhat he needs to cajole everybody that everybody in Washington is corrupt settle for Obama. he's the Messiah right here to save the international? he's like Hitler and a few of his supporters act like nasty Hitler babies or a Jihad.

  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • 8 years ago

    Different names, addresses, occupations - same scenarios here too.

    But in Australia I just played hookey as their educational system

    was 2 years behind ours when I`d gotten a Brit. Schol,

    so I only had to appear for Aus History and Geog and chose to

    appear for basketball etc.(missing math due to

    mega-unhide-able crush on male teacher - blush-making - and I stll lack algebra...).

    I and another rebel (name of Janet) furnished haunted `

    (empty) house, I learned to shoot, play drums, bake on open fire,

    climb like a monkey.

    got sunstroke and did not say cos my dad woulda killed me

    for mising school, collected lizards, bugs and generally had a great time

    (but never really recovered from un-treated sunstroke or else was born zany?)

    Also wore JEANS (wow!) and shorts.

    Then spent ten years back in England expected

    to have provincial standards/ outlook.

    Oh well....

    And one of my sons had all -around global education

    and is completely-ish conventional.

    .... = ......42 :) (:

    glad you turned out so fine :)

    and a real expressive valued person and poet!

    Kudos, my best sis xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Also went to the town and being tall pretended was 14 and learned chess and backgammon

    and well - offset being told

    `Don`t be silly` `who asked your opinion?

    `Don`t ask why, just do as I say` etc.

  • Andy P
    Lv 7
    8 years ago

    On the farms I have lived and worked, there were never enough hands and plenty of things to do. If some of the old folks sat around jawing, I could find work around the house, particularly the kitchen. Or I could go off exploring by myself.

    I didn't depend on others to make me happy. I made myself.

  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    that is real sad.

    My mom was an architect and some summers I would accompany her (I was single digit age) to construction sites in steel toed boots and helmet and she would explain concrete, reenforcement, load bearing and more than I wanted to know. That is the age that kids can soak up knowledge like a sponge.

    Nothing is more important than the next generation.

    Source(s): Soc
  • I grew up in a family that didn't know how to love so I can understand the frustration in your past. From other poems I do know you were loved very much and them telling you to be quiet is just the way adults normally treat kids. I'm not saying that's right though. In fact I'm saying it is very wrong. Parents need to listen to their kids for how else will they ever get to truly know them.

  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    I would deny this

    as you would be me

    my age

    the age I grew up in

    was this

    exactly the one I was

    and that being said

    I chased bugs

    played with snakes

    and dead cats

    were abundant

    in the back woods

    where I lived

  • joy
    Lv 5
    8 years ago

    omg.... this poem sent shudders thru my spine. Dallas, our backgrounds are so different, but

    I received the same treatment...... "Kids don't talk when grown-ups are talking"

    It made my shy; but here with my "grown-up" friends, I can emit: articulate, declare, opine, relax, breathe!!

Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.