Serious Problem At Home and in my own head...?

Okay. First off, I'm a 17-year-old girl and I HATE MY LIFE. I know that seems cliche and like every other teenage girl but trust me when I say it's a lot more deep-seeded than normal teenage girl stuff. First of all, I have a very low sense of self-worth. I feel like every time I accomplish anything it doesn't matter, like whenever I try and feel good about myself for a second someone else has to out do me. Another thing is my stepdad. I can't stand him and we fight all the time and it's awful...I feel like he doesn't respect me and view me as an equal human being. All I want is to grow up and get out and stop feeling this way, and to get my driver's licence (which, at this rate, is NEVER happening.). I think I'm seriously depressed, like it's psychological because I don't even understand why I'm here and I know I don't contribute to anything in the world. My stepdad and I got in a horrible fight this morning on the way to work which started with him yelling at me about something unrelated while I was driving and me responding by saying I hated being around him because of how we communicated. We started screaming at each other and I said to him that I hated him and that the reason I say I want to kill myself a lot of the time and that I hate my life is because he's in it. He just pushed me too far, I normally hold my tongue but I couldn't this time. He's disrespected me and said things to me that I don't even think he realizes and sometimes they get to me (combined with other things I experienced) that cause me to feel very depressed and do things such as self-mutilating. Other times I don't even know why I act and feel and think the way I do, I'm almost like Holden Caulfield from the Catcher in the Rye with how I see the world and my place in it (or lack thereof). As far as relationships go, I just want something "cute". Like posting photos together on facebook, holding hands, all that cheesy, cliche, **** that teenage girls all want...the only problem is that every time I even get close to it I get hurt by the guy. So I'm single almost all of the time (I know dumb teenager bitching about boys but it hurts feeling unwanted and left out of something I can't seem to get). I'm terrified I'm turning into my father too (biological father). He was (and probably still is, I stopped seeing him) abusive. I'm never physical but when I get in this mindset I almost black out in the sense that I feel so low and frustrated with myself and the world and everyone around me that I say whatever's on my mind (and it's usually a really messed up horrible thing). I don't want to die but I don't want to live this way or feel this way and I don't know how to fix it. Friend's don't understand how bad it is in my head and I can't seem to fix it myself (I went to a therapist before and it didn't work and I'm not going again, as in I can't because my mom won't do it). Help?

1 Answer

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Never give up. You never know what the future can bring. you can change your life with, or without help from others. good luck.

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