How to get rid of guilt...? It's terrible...?

I don't know where to start or how to explain. I didn't cheat on any body or anything. But, my ex is really ridiculing me and basically ruining every aspect of my life, even though for 6 months I've been apologizing and doing everything I can to say how sorry I was...

He did something that made me very angry- and I had never in my life done this and this was about 2 years after we were dating. He did something and I got so mad-so angry, I grabbed my bag and smashed it too the ground and I guess he though it was at him, and it wasn't...then I grabbed each of my curlers and smashed them to the ground and through out it I grabbed a knife and said I was going to go and kill myself...I ran out into the rain and he grabbed the knife and whispered "Don't" and I screamed at him to stop crying and to shutup...*looks down* we made up and I apologized for it to the bottom of my heart, to God, to him...and, I thought he forgave me, he said he did and he seemed sincere...anyway, 4 months later he starts to get angry. He moved in with his nan (who treats him like a GOD) and he began to be really...mean too me. Not physically, but emotionally. And he told me he has nightmares about how guttral my voice sounded and how I slammed things at him and he just...really really emotinally abused me. I lost almost all of my friends because of that...and I keep feeling like I deserve every single horrible thing he does too me because I deserve it. It's been going on for months and today he was messaging me yelling about how were never getting back together and how terrible I am..he has my former best friend on his side I guess a few other people...I keep trying to bring myself up, but I just can't...not with this guilt..no matter how many times I pray to God-I can't forgive myself at all..I feel so terrible...so guilty...I've called him names before and done a bunch of stuff, but, I don't think I've ever been as mean to him (except that one time) as he is treating me now...the only reason why I don't stand up for myself and I let him walk all over me is because I feel so terribly guilty..I know he'll never forgive me, because that's his personality. And since he can't...I just, I just can't forgive myself. He said it'll take him a few years to forgive me at all, and even then he still doesn't wanna be friends with me. I've known him since 6th grade, and the only reason why he turned into a monster was because I turned into one...and now, I feel like I can't forgive myself...I feel terrible, and he knows this. How do I get rid of this guilt...?

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    This guys controlling you.. the reason you felt like you wanted to kill yourself was because you were angry with him in the first place? and of course he will feel as if your punishing him because its a serious thing to talk about commiting suicide but you were the one who could of died not him? it was worse for you then your partner at that moment in time if you felt you were that low that you would think about ending your life.. this guy sounds like he treats you like crap and i know you've been with him for a long time and you may still love him but you can find someone better you just need to move on as hard as it will be i assure you that you will be happier without this boy in your life (and yes a boy he sounds as if he is acting that way) Good luck all the best get out of there you have this one life dont waste it on someone who doesn't care for you.

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