What do you think of this story?

I wrote this small blip out of boredom. I will continue it later. This is just the beginning part. I want to make a transition into a magical land from the bathroom etc. It will be a short story. Your opinion is greatly thanked.

It was not the rock upon which I sat that disturbed me, but rather, the constant rumbling which it was giving off. I had not looked at the rock before I sat on it, so I did now. I realized then, that the rock was not a rock, but rather, a washing machine. It was then that I realized I was in a Laundromat. The Laundromat was quite inhospitable; it was incredibly bright, which made for an awkward contrast between the night outside. The once-white tile flooring that spanned the large room had been stained with grime and mold from decades of use and hardly ample cleaning. All of the people in the room were sitting in chairs or benches reading magazines or doing crossword puzzles, and I alone sat above them, on my white and rumbling throne. I soon heard the soft ding of the familiar bell within the washing machine, so I jumped off and transferred my clothes to the dryer. I let out a sigh as I stood up from my work, and thought of activities in which I could engage to pass the twenty minutes of drying time.

During my dreary thoughts, I became aware of a pressure dominating my lower abdomen. This all too familiar feeling brought me into the Laundromat’s bathroom. This room also followed the same method of being overused and not often cleaned as the main room. There was a single light bulb above my head illuminating the smooth and brown wooden walls. The floor was the same as the outer room. The toilet had not seen any form of soap in a very long time, and so had a brownish-yellow tint covering the inner bowl. There was a small sink across from the toilet, which was probably the most pristine looking part of the entire complex.

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  • 9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Well, it's interesting, but you have a lot of passive voice and too much description of the bathroom. If you want to transition into a magical land, let it happen the moment the character opens the door and steps into the room.

    About passive voice - avoid using was and were unless absolutely necessary. Strong, concrete action words make the story stronger.

    Examples:

    which it was giving off. -- which shook me.

    It was then that I realized I was in a Laundromat. I then realized, I sat in a laundromat.

    The Laundromat was quite inhospitable; it was incredibly bright. The harsh, bright light of the flourscent lights made the room inhospitable in comparison to the darkness of the night.

    All of the people in the room were sitting in chairs - Several others lounged in chairs lining the front windows

    Also, put more emotion into the story. As a reader, I do not know how the character is feeling right now - sad, happy, anxious, wary, bored, happy ???

    Hope this helps.

  • Anonymous
    4 years ago

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