Thomas
Lv 7
Thomas asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 8 years ago

Welcome to Baby Dragon. Will you please read my poem about him?

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True story that happened the other day with some adornment. Please, your comments and constructive critique are always welcome, even if negative, good and bad promote me to learn. The glossary again is not meant to offend. There is a reason for it. Thanks, Thomas

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Baby Dragon

In Office this morning & in deep thought

JBLU or DAL stock swing trade I sought

Suddenly from outside I hear a scream

Was not a nightmare from a bad dream

Daughter out with friends mind popped

Gorgonize my body because it stopped

Holus-Bolus I arise from my chair

Get to the entry concluded my prayer

No longer restive and at the front door

Hear multiple yelps made ready for war

Open it up! In runs a frantic Alien

On foot up my leg this is no mammalian

Baby Dragon scorched hair off my shin

Weapons at my side as I scour within

Cats! Here they come, forgot about them

Cornered the Dragon now do I condemn?

Out dragon jumps is this detestable?

As I tell Mia and Milo he’s comestible

Mia tackles prehistoric absconds with flesh

Now Dragon flops away like a wounded mesh

Tell the Kitty’s to back off and let him live

Baby Dragon breathes fire it asks to forgive

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Epilogue

Last time it was a spider, this time an 8 inch

long lizard, whose lives were spared,. I have

taken Pro-Life to new horizons.

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Glossary

JBLU = A stock symbol for Jet Blue Airlines

DAL = A stock symbol for Delta Airlines

Mia Marie & Milo = our cats

gorgonize: verb: have a paralyzing or mesmerizing effect on: stupefy, petrify

Holus-Bolus = adverb: all at once

restive = adjective: marked by impatience of uneasiness: fidgety

Mammalian = adjective: of or relating to the class of Mammalian

scour: verb: to move quickly, especially in search

comestible: adjective: edible

absconds: verb: to run away with, usually taking something or someone

*mesh: verb: entangle or catch in (or as if in) a mesh

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*It may have been obvious I meant for this to mean mess (a wounded mess)

but the definition of mesh was manifold, and the above definition fit the

rhyme knit.

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Update:

Great responses so far. Am so thankful. Will try to be terse:

Seraphim: thanks for your answer. Very sweet. :)

Lapiz: So happy to see you posting on my poem. You are most welcome anytime, and your critique is impressive. My best always to you and yours, Bri

Delta: Thank you. Bravo, what an ensemble of c.c. I could not ask for more. As you may know I sent you a private email via yahoo that opened the door to to a total re-write incorporating Zeus.

Luiza: my sweet friend, you showing up builds me up to fight that big Dragon. Thanks, Bri

neonman: you of all have helped me the most. Is one year in July, and I have worked tirelessly on numerous facets of poetry per your instructions. It still is not spot on like yours and some others but I press on. You might recall I started out writing prose. I was impressed with many, including Giorgio's style of writing, and tried a more disciplined lyrical approach, but as a more gifted storyteller you are right, and your e

Update 2:

example of that one sentence I tried to squeeze it in to fit meter and missed the boat on its meaning. I sacrificed content for construct and it does not work, and I do not have the talent (yet, maybe never) to pull it off. Problem is, I love and feel more comfortable with a lyrical format than prose. However, I think variety is the spice of life for a poet, and the next Sir Thomas installment is going to be in prose. Thank you so much for your time and tutelage. Bri.

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Addendum on Glossary

gorgonize: I happen to have a lot of respect of the Greek culture. It started in high school reading about Greek history and mythology, and this word is a Greek term, and adjective derived from 'gorgos' meaning 'terrifying.' Involves he 3 winged monster that included Medusa. Anyway---today if means to make a person feel petrified (metaphorically) by looking at them with an intimidating glance or gaze. I also fell in love with a Greek in college

Update 3:

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MAMA GEE O: Right on with DAL. The chart is impressive, and had I not been decimated on AMR last year I would go long and swing trade this. As it is not just taking profits as much as possible. The spread, sometimes daily, is ridiculous, and if you just stick with reading the chart, it's a nice money maker. Did you read the rest of the poem? lol

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Update 4:

Na’ashjéii Asdzáá: Nancy----I had absolutely no idea that I, in past c/c of yours, have been surly or rude. None, and I wish you would have communicated this to me. The Pride in my wants to ask you to cite and example, because I have thought of myself of being nothing less than kind to you in my responses and even uplifting when I respond to most of your poetry. So I am going to bury that if you wish, and simply say I am sorry, and take what you say with the utmost respect and seriousness. However, isn't some of poetry almost like two expert reports in a trial----plaintiff vs defendant. Both experts have perfectly plausible arguments, but the truth is, in most cases, one is wrong, even possibly lying for their client. What I am saying her Nancy is I will have a learned poet tell me of my flaws, but also encourage me and say for the most part my poem was good. Not always, but when that happens, I have to do the best I can and take all the c/c in. The rest of this I think,

Update 5:

and would like, to handle in private, if possible, cause I think we can work on making our discourse more respectable towards each other. Thanks

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Update 6:

Na’ashjéii Asdzáá: One thing I forgot too Nancy. I am a middle aged man and father, and busy with plenty other projects. Except for some in grade school, never wrote poetry before, and has not even been one year. Go back and look at my first poems. I am trying to get better, I really am. You do not have to read my poems, even if I read yours---this is not tit for tat. I am starting to like yours a lot better for some reason, they are just better. This is not meant to be rude to you or anyone else, but poetry for me is not easy, but I love it. So, it may take years for me to improve, but it is not so easy to just listen to what you say and make it work. I promise you I am trying as hard as I can with the time I have, and I have nothing but gratitude for you caring enough to post here, but will not be upset should you choose otherwise. Thank you so much, Bri

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18 Answers

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  • 8 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    The images set in this poem to me suggest a "Gonzo" poetry style akin if Hunter S Thompson wrote children's stories,very interesting work

    Source(s): I agree with MAMA on DAL,sorry about your losses on AMR,they were doomed after the FAA maint inspections were found lacking and I'm not sure if the AA brand would surface if merged with USAIR the taint is that bad, beware of LUV, their fuel options expire this year so operating cost are going to climb
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  • 8 years ago

    A critique it will be with poetic words to say,

    just another story to keep in play.

    Your poem is good it talks about reality,

    there will always be some form of morality.

    I like to rhyme it is my favorite art,

    a language tasted like a bitter sweet tart.

    It takes some time to understand my rhymes,

    but it has a deeper meaning thought.

    And though I know you see the truth,

    inside my message(s) buried youth.

    Eternal suffering let loose,

    to captivate you from refuse.

    A hundred years from now,

    my existence shall be truth.

    With the dead merged with the living,

    nightmarish endless singing.

    Upon the wicked you must know,

    pray that the dead do not go.

    Where you are asleep at night,

    engaging nightmares hellish light.

    Source(s): All ye who gain to become wicked. Pray that the dead do not exist for their rage is greater than your own.
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  • 8 years ago

    Work on your meter, most lines seems like 10. Get rid of the acronyms... how do you expect the reader to pronounce? Just say Jet Blue or Delta. End rhymes should be natural. When you have to resort to arcane words to make rhymes, that seems forced to me especially when it doesn't appear to be your natural voice: "comestible" for example. As to flow, speak the words aloud as you write. You have some easy, flowing lines and then you jump into a disjointed style: "Mia tackles prehistoric absconds with flesh" for example.

    Maybe you should write the story in prose, without the restraints of meter and rhyme. Once you done that then work on making it into a poem. Just a thought. What you have here seems to be an interesting start to a tall "dragon" tale!

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  • 8 years ago

    Well, I just answered this great poem/story in the last place

    you posted it, suggesting you should post it in poetry, but I

    now see that you did! and it is a great story and thanks as I

    already had said, for sparing the lizards life! The same thing

    had once happened to me when my cat had gotten ahold of

    a bird and was 'playing' with it~ I screamed and ran to save

    this bird, and luckily, I did, as it flew away...♥

    good poem, Bri~

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  • Iggy
    Lv 7
    8 years ago

    I read this with a sense of delight and joy in living.

    I love lizards and they are definitely keeping safe from the cats. Sometime this dragon can return the favour maybe.

    Well done.

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  • 8 years ago

    Gorgonize.....hmm....does it have anything to do with the Italian cheese called Gorgonzola?

    Cos many people, when they have Gorgonzola, they suffer from paralyzing/mesmerizing effects.

    As for your poem: it's beautifully written.

    You might substitute the "&" sign in the first line of your poem with a more human "and".

    Also, some other thoughts:

    You might like to change the 2nd line of your poem ("JBLU or DAL stock swing trade I sought") to "I forgot how lost I am in this world".

    You should also change the 4th line of your poem ("Was not a nightmare from a bad dream") to "It was like an owl in a bad dream".

    Additionally, change the 1st line in the second paragraph of your poem ("Daughter out with friends mind popped") to a more dramatic and poetry-ridden "Daughters of Zeus! Where are you friends?"

    You must also change the 2nd line of your second paragraph ("Gorgonize my body because it stopped") to "Has nothing sacred been vivectified to Zeus?"

    Also, change the entire 3rd line: from "Holus-Bolus I arise from my chair" to "Open up the very tip of the Olympus Mountain, O Zeus! Let your daughters out and into the Atlantic Ocean!"

    And you simply MUST change the 4th line of the second paragraph from "Get to the entry concluded my prayer" to ""The Greek crisis is looming vengeanfully upon us and Europa - the goddess of the modern continent that Europe is!".

    Also, insert a new line (i.e. 5th line) in the second paragraph by concluding:

    "And Washington holds arms of Wisconsin, all the while smiling at Montana and the Vatican and the Holy See is seeing us and watching US, u.s. and U.S. from far afield!".

    You can then completely delete paragraphs 3, 4 and 5 of your poem, and just leave those two lines at the end: "Tell the Kitty’s to back off and let him live

    Baby Dragon breathes fire it asks to forgive"

    except that that you should change "Tell the Kitty’s to back off and let him live" to "And mercy of little kittens is well known by Zeus, the daughters of the Zeus and their progeny"

    AND change "Baby Dragon breathes fire it asks to forgive" to "Thus I conclude my poem with a humble justification of my mental poetry-creating prowess for self-observation and declamation of utmost generation".

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  • 8 years ago

    As long as you insist on defining words like 'restive', 'scour', and 'abscond', I am going to continue assuming you are mildly stupid.

    "flops away like wounded mesh?" what???

    I think your poem is terrible--but that doesn't mean I hate you. I applaud the effort and your desire to tell the story in poetic form.

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  • 8 years ago

    Tell the Kitty’s to back off and let him live

    Baby Dragon breathes fire it asks to forgive

    I do believe firecat is sitting on BD's shoulder, ready for the ride....

    I am delighted with this and wondered if you would want to contribute to the childrens storybook project with Geminisinger and I? (she is the illustrator, I think she will love this...)

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  • 8 years ago

    Hi. I like your narrative poem and it reminds me that it's Summer time, that we shared this Universe with all kind of creatures , so if we like the out doors, this is what Summer time is all about bugs every where, I sure hate it when they crawl under my clothes, thank God i don't freak out that bad any more . Nice pictures words you painted, I could just visualize this scene. Thanks for posting and sharing. God bless!

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  • 8 years ago

    Really,An 8 inch lizard? Reminds me of Jim Morrison.

    Nice lively poem...Well stated and humorous,

    Which it seems many need. :-}

    Bye...enjoy your Sunday.

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