My mom is going crazy now that I am engaged!?
She had a very enmeshed relationship with me while i was growing up, i always had major separation anxiety and she made me 100% dependant on her to satisfy her own needs. Well now that im in love and ready to be married soon and move out soon, i have finalyl been emotionally distancing myself from her. She is not handling it well, weve had millions of fights. they start with her bein resentful of my independance, relationship with my finacee, lack of spending time with her etc...but the thing is feel totally smothered i dont want to spend any time with her. i feel a complete lack of respect for my boundaries and freedom. She constantly texts me and she worried sick if i go on a trip to the point where i told her i dont want to contact her during my trip so i can enjoy and she takes it so personally and cries etc... we never used to fight but since im not bound to her emotionally, finacially or physically she a acts like a *****, passive agressive or right our mean. So then we i stand up for myself, and she goes right into victim mode crying and acting like poor me. She isnt behaving like an adult. She is jealous of my success and everything i have and do. She makes me feel guilty, and then after our fights she compensated by buying me gifts, calling texting more and just SMOTHERING me. i need some ******* space, but i feel she wont rest untill she had driven me insane. How can i help alleviate my guilt and be more firm? why do i feel like im doing somthing wrong??
- ?Lv 79 years agoFavorite Answer
She loves you and maybe she has issues, from the looks of it, nothing major. Of course it is major to you because it is happening to you. So the best thing to do is honor her. Know your lines and when she cross it just respectably calmly let her know.
She is your mom that took care of you, so make sure you take care of her. Just make her feel at ease that your a good person that will love her till she is 150. Respect her and she will feel the ease and when people feel the ease they are more calm and loving.
Always be a positive adult it will work out better overall in your life.
I like to just add because maybe I got your attention: relationship=
Recommended to take it slow, take time to get to know the person. Try to keep things clean, less baggage. Let 7 years of perfect relationship before marriage. After 7 solid years of perfect marriage then a child if desired.
If things are minor I usually just wouldn't even give it a second thought. If it is major I just fix it the best way and that's it. Maybe this will be a good method for you guys. Always reinforce it with Love
When you marry if you do decide to then make sure you don't play games and straight forward to your wife. Make sure you protect your family from outside by working only and your wife is a stay at home mom. NOTE if she makes double your wage, you better stay at home instead. You can do all the home manly things. If plumber or whatever needs to go to the house make sure you see them the whole time. Give love to your wife always and hear her out and then you have to make the decision. Also be responsible for the family. Make love to her as much as she wants. Be attentive to the kids and your wife. Make sure you save, pay your car with cash, your house with cash and then retirement. Make sure you raise your kids right to be good adults. Make sure you stay fit, try to be handsome even if you think it is silly or waste of time or you think you don't. Take a shower 1 to 2 times a day. Make sure you smell good. Make sure you have good breathe. Make sure you go to the restroom when she is not around for number 2 or 3. Make sure you are organized. Make sure you dress decent at all time (wear the favor t-shirt with holes under your other shirt). Make sure she knows she is appreciated and important to you and the family. If it is her or them it is always her as long as it makes sense. Them can always be second, but she is first. MUST make sense. When she is not right on some things or don't remember just help with a quiet mouth. By all this your married life if you choose will be a fulfilled one.
White Knights never argue knights make their women proud and want them. Make sure you have everything ready. I mean like saving for a 6 month rainy day and then increase that as much as you can as time goes on. Buy a house cash small to start and then bigger when you decide and ready to have a child so the child can stay in one community for their whole school life and a place to come home always during Holidays and for you to plant your plants and watch them grow and to grow old in, make sure to pay cash or go smaller if needed or just wait on the child/bigger home, peace is most important. Pay that car cash, used or new. Pay the vacation cash and have your retirement ready, remember to diversified in many ways not just many stocks but many ways. NOW if you want to use some credit cards because of perks then make sure to place that cash aside in the bank account so when the statement comes cash is already waiting ;)
On another note you seem to be a very nice person, so I like to add that what ever person you want a serious relationship with, take your time (years) and really really really see if this is the person you will spend your whole life with. If you can even better never get married and just enjoy your life with nothing serious, make sure the other party knows your intentions. I also like to add though, in marriage it is a different kinda love, a very valuable kinda love. Always do whats best for everyone like what you did when you asked this question,
Try your best. Love like you never love before. This is the best way for love to come and start surrounding your life. May love be around you, through you and is you.
Love and the Good Life will come
P.S. Email me if you have another further statements email@example.com
P.P.S. More & daily words of encouragements TWITTER my account is = @glhww
P.P.P.S. Majority of my answers are for the majority, there are many variables to consider always
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- mmmLv 79 years ago
When she texts constantly, it doesn't mean you have to respond.
You MUST start distancing yourself daily, every day a little bit more. I think you need to start spending more and more and more time away from home so she can get used to the idea - you became her bf, her boyfriend and she can't handle it because she never got a life of her own
When she starts crying, say I am so sorry you are hurting mom but I really have to go now. Do NOT listen to her. Do NOT let her do that to you. She will stop ONLY when you chose to make her.
My s/o's ex is just like this - she was like this with him and the two boys - the 14 yr old is REALLY struggling to get out from under her thumb - I know what we have to look forward to ...lol
Help her by inviting her to meet new friends at the senior center or the park or the coffee shop - encourage her to find activities she would enjoy . . . help her get her a life of her own - and good luck to you
- Anonymous5 years ago
I have a couple of things that you could try, I'm not sure exactly what your situation is, so I kinda went with a range. 1- Move out. Move out of the house and then you aren't subject to her rules. She may rant at you occasionally, but you can always leave if a dinner is too uncomfortable or she is on a bend about something that you aren't able to deal with right then. It's much easier to not answer your phone than it is to avoid a confrontation with someone standing in front of you. 2- Therapy/ counseling- For both of you. You can go alone if she won't go. It doesn't have to be a therapist, it could be you minister or some other person that is qualified in that area. If it is a therapist, specify that you need help with techniques to cope with her and diffuse the situation. If she will go with you, the therapist can act as a mediator on some of these issues and possibly show her where she is being unreasonable and you where you are not perhaps paying the attention to her thoughts and feelings that you think you are. After all, it's about perception. You may think you're being very supportive of a person, and they think you're treating them like dirt. 3- Grit your teeth and bear it. I'm assuming that you and your soon to be husband will not be living with her after you are married. In that case, you know there's a finite amount of time you have to continue to be in this position. 4- Sit down with her and give her specific things about the wedding you want help from her on planning. This might help reduce the comments about the other parts. No matter what, if I were in your position, I would sit down with her and ask her to please stop belittling my fiance, myself and the other people I love.
- No More AbuseLv 79 years ago
She may be feeling that she is losing you due to your upcoming marriage..but you have a right to being independent, having your own life and now looking forward to a husband, you have a lot of good things going on..
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- kpoppLv 69 years ago
I assume that there is no father in your life and that your mother, because of her loneliness attaches herself to you. Yes, you have a right to lead your own independent life. Make some arrangement to see her regularly - e.g. once a week - and I can assure you that she will get used to your more infrequent visits.