Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 9 years ago

Can my husband get past all this or not?

I flirted with a man at work, nothing more than talk, though I lied about it to my husband. My coworker expected to get me in bed but it never happened. It ended after my husband found out, though had gone for two months. I also flirted with a few guys casually just to feel good but he saw, including one time when I let a young guy down the street look down my blouse (sorry if TMI but I'm trying to change and always be honest).

I was feeling angry at my husband and his unemployment so I cut him down as well. I told him he wasn't my type, and one of the men who he caught me flirting with was. I gave him specific physical attributes I look for in a guy. I told him he wasn't the kind of man that most women dream of having children with. And I told him he was slow in bed and didn't try hard. I told him each thing one per week for a month. I just wanted to put those out so I can be honest and people understand what I said, I'm not proud. He's been hurt and angry, which lasted about six months after I apologized, but also now and then for about a year and half.

He says he forgives me. But I know he still doesn't fully trust me and seems down all the time. I say sorry a lot, build him up and take him to bed often, but it's almost like he doesn't see the point anymore. But my friend says certain things cause permanent damage, and that once you sexually humiliate a man he may heal over time but never truly get past it. She said it was almost a triple whammy because men care most about sex, being a father and providing for family and I hit him on all three. Is this true? When can I expect him to finally forgive and forget? Or is some emotional hurt for men just permanent?

18 Answers

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    It's good that you're trying to change your way. Give your husband more time. It may take a couple of years till things get back to normal. Just keep reinforcing the good things.

  • 9 years ago

    Harsh much, damn! Ok put yourself in his shoes, if you seen him flirting with other woman all the time, and saying how he thought other woman looked good in front of you( and they are his "type". How would you feel? I would think you would feel worthless in the relationship and think that no matter what you do you would not be good enough. I know honesty is good in a relationship but you went for over kill! As for his feeling different and you hoping for him to forgive you, ummm sorry to say but that seems like a long shot. That will leave a permanent scar, I mean would you forgive him if he broke you down like you did him. I feel sorry for him, I mean way to take his man card. In time he may truly forgive you, but he will NEVER forget. In the back of his mind that will always haunt him. P.S it should only take your husband to make you feel good about yourself!

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    You cheated on your husband for two months, even if only flirting; you lied about it; when he found out, for another month you humiliated and degraded him. It wasn't just the sex part, it was the whole emotional attack. Men have emotional feelings too, and you hurt him deeply. You basically told him you don't love him, and have no respect for him, and now he cannot trust you. I'm amazed he is still with you. I would be surprised if he ever fully forgave you, or trusted you. You have managed to pretty much destroy the relationship.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    Personally I think you need to get some help - there are meetings you can go to just like AA etc...... If you show him that your really wanting to change then he will in time trust you.

    But show him that your willing to change and he will in time trust you. Hope this helps

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  • 9 years ago

    Let's put it this way and I am going to be honest here too, but I will not be mean at least try not to. I don't know how old your husband is, but I'm going to assume he either around my age or a bit younger. I'm in my 30's.

    If my wife said what you said to me, I would have walked away quietly to meditate on her words. Then the next day, I would go directly to a divorce lawyer to draft up divorce papers.

    If my wife said that to me, it would be beyond hurt. It is no longer a matter of whether I can trust her in the future or not. All those things that people often talk about in terms of trust and love and connection - all that would no longer matter.

    This wasn't about sex even if you think it is. This is about the one person in the world that I gave my life to, that at marriage, 'knew' I would grow old with her is the same person who just took all that and spit it into my face.

    Your husband may be different than me in terms of principle and forgiving, but for me, no amount of "sorry" will take that away or take that back. I would have initiated a divorce the next day and I will not go back home. I will make sure to leave all that behind until after she signs the divorce papers, in which case, I would ask my friends to help me grab my stuff and whatever is left over, like dividing up my assets to my wife, would all be handled by my lawyer.

    She would have completely shattered me. It is not a matter of forgiving her because there is nothing to forgive. She is what she feels and believes and simply put: I am not a part of that feeling and belief.

    I will tell you this one thing though: every time she tries to say "I'm sorry", I will get angrier and angrier. Apologies mean absolutely nothing to me.

  • 9 years ago

    You really hurt him in very serious ways. Actually most men would have cheated on you by now, just to boost their ego back up. Men live by their ego, and you tried to deflate it in every way possible. I do not know if he will ever recover from it, but if he does, it will be a long time. Watch for changes in him, because you gave him several damn good excuses to cheat on you.

  • 9 years ago

    you seem like a *****, you dont deserve him

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    ouch my ego took a bruising just reading that, feel sorry for the guy but seems you're trying to make up for it.

    he just needs some reaasurance that he can fulfill those things.

    has to be said again ouch! give it sometime, a lot of time..hes probably doubting himself now but will pass, eventually.

  • 9 years ago

    Pooooor him, why do you want to return?

    because this question will make it clearer, if it is that you are no more as good as you were, as hot as you were, etc then he will never.. but i as a man can say one thing,

    I make my decision, this way or the other, i won't simply stay and live to die eventually.

    If i stay then it means i might have a problem due to which i can not go... try and capitalize on that point, make your self more attractive, more considerate, caring, and try to build trust over you that you,,, i am sorry to say, have lost completely. show that you are a good wife, a better mother, and have changed..., you can't force this thing though, but you can help it. try wearing bit more outside and on work, while be a like a real wife when you are with him...

    you then have some chances to eventually get his attention and trust back... hopefuly.

    Vote if u like it :)

  • 9 years ago

    Wow, that's really f***ed up. I hope you know how f***ed up you are.

    I'm surprised he's still with. I'm assuming he has extremely low self-esteem.

    Honestly, I highly doubt he will ever forgive you. But yeah, you're a real piece of s***. Just putting that out there.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    Men do have their pride. I don't know what are the circumstances that led him to be unemployed, or those other two areas hit him so I cannot really comment on that.

    Maybe you're not satisfied with his performance that you did these things so that you could get his attention or maybe get him to improve. It's good that you're trying to change, but I think he can only trust you again once you can really prove to him that you really look to him for love and care and respect him even though he may not be employed now, or have a lower-paying job. What's important is that he's trying his best to make you happy and he might not like it if you don't see it from his perspective and think that he's slacking off. At the same time, I see your need for wanting a better person in your life, but you married your husband surely out of love right? So try to find that love and reason that you married him.

    Though debatable, I think emotional hurt is not permanent. It all depends on the person, whether he chooses to let go, or harbour it. I think you have the right to be happy, and I don't really blame you for what you did. I'm glad that you tried to make it up to him and make things right. just be patient and he will turn back to you. Don't give up kays? You're doing great!^^

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