Anonymous asked in Social SciencePsychology · 9 years ago

sexually abused when i was younger.... now i shake during sex and can't stay in the moment?

i was sexually abused from ages 11-17 by my cousin age 40. i have recently come out to my family about it and he is in a sexual rehab center. i am now 21. i thought after coming out everything would get better but it hasnt at all. it made the wounds feel fresh. sex is constantly on my mind and i always want it (i've heard this is an after effect for some victims). but once i get it, i freak out. when my boyfriend and i have sex, i shake uncontrollably, sometimes get freaked out and even cry, have flashbacks and think my boyfriend is my cousin..... its so overwhelming, disgusting, embarrassing. last night we had sex and it was so dark that i couldnt see my boyfriends face and i had a crying panic attack. my boyfriend understands and is very supportive but i feel like i am putting distance in between us. this cant be healthy. i feel disgusting. im in therapy also. my therapist hasnt given me a good solution. i just don't know what to do ;-/

6 Answers

  • Darrel
    Lv 4
    9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    1) Get a new therapist.

    2) Keep the lights on so you can stay aware that it is not your uncle.

    3) Have your boyfriend talk to you during sex. Dirty/Clean... whatever you guys prefer... as long as it helps you stay focused on your true partner.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    "The signature cluster of symptoms for PTS is the "re-experiencing" that takes the form of spontaneous repetitive flashbacks, nightmares and/or intrusive thoughts. These are not coming from the part of the brain where normal memories are stored, but are stuck in a more primitive, survival-based section of the brain, where they neither fade nor shift, but stay contemporaneous and current and terrifying. And you can't talk your way out of them with the best counselor or therapist in the world. Wrong chunk o' brain. You need imagery, hypnosis, acupoint release, energy work, etc etc. The other 2 symptom clusters of PTS - avoidance/numbness and alarm/ hypervigilance - can be symptoms of other conditions as well. But this is not so with re-experiencing".

    It seems highly likely to me that you are suffering from PTSD. View my previous answer about the sexual abuse of minors at and see my answer about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder at then read my View my previous answer about EMDR therapy at After EMDR therapy, discuss with your therapist the importance of SINCERE forgiveness, as a way of moving on with your life, otherwise you will still be holding onto those negative emotions, but you may well not be ready for this step for some time.

    Report the matter to police, so that, even if it doesn't result in a prosecution, anyone else complaining against him will be believed, and his name will go on their computer database. You may well save someone else from going through your traumatic experience (or even worse). You won't have to testify, if you don't want to.

  • 9 years ago

    4 u, dove dark chocolate and amaretto will help, but you will need to find a way to repress those thoughts. Id suggest if you have any other sort of pessimistic thoughts, try to muffle those, and use the same tactic to muffle your memories. Its a start.

    If your still having issues try porn, not joking, knew a girl just like you, swear it helped. And if you have a light on, or do it in the daytime, its easier to zone out.

    When everything is dark, then your head fills the gaps with what you know. In the light, it can't.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    Firstly I would see a different therapist about this to maybe control your thirst for sex and also your panic attacks during it. You said your boyfriend understands? Maybe you should try to change how you're doing it such as taking it a bit slower, keeping the lights on or even you taking more control during sex. Maybe even make it a more romantic setting with more foreplay etc. I can tell it's extremely difficult for you because you've always associated sex in your head with sexual abuse but you need to somehow make yourself understand that they're worlds apart.

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  • 9 years ago

    It may help to spend more time in foreplay. Better yet, the two of you might want to get accustomed to touching either in intimate places without initiating genital foreplay. Take things slowly. Start off with soft and light touching. Once you're comfortable with that, try laying your body on top of his and continue the gentle touching. Sex isn't merely about coitus. There are so many different ways to express intimate emotions, simply through the touch of your fingertips. You can even use a bit of rubbing lubricant to make the experience more exciting. It'll give you more of a sense of control. Try experimenting with your boyfriend, but within a reasonably comfortable level. After a bit of touching and rubbing, you can slowly move to the genitals. Once you've gotten comfortable with that, you can move on to genital sex. Try using this routine every time the two of you are in the mood. It'll also help the both of you understand what the other likes/dislikes, as well as give more time for physical communication.

    Good luck.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    Long term therapy will help you over come with time, sorry to hear that!

    Source(s): Call me to chat if you want to
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