Thomas
Lv 7
Thomas asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 8 years ago

Are you Stressed out? Please read and C/C my poem if you are so led?

This poem is a total re-write of one I did over seven (7) months ago. I edited it and reworked it to see of I have improved as a Poet. I will give you the link to the original. I would like honest constructive critique and/or comments on this poem, but also if you think there is an improvement from the original. If you think the original is better, please tell me why. I have worked fairly hard to be a better poet, and that would really make me think, and be a little sad for a bit :( Thanks, Thomas :_")

Here is link to the original poem which had a different title:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AhsjB...

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Stress

Knew a man in insurance

Perfectionist his endurance

In at 4, he’s there roaming

Stay late, there till gloaming

Years went by - same old thing

Peripheral lives didn’t bring

Saw him at lunch every day

Sat on the terrace to say--

“Thomas, How’ve you been doing?”

“Good” I said moved along stewing

Next day outside eating his lunch.

“Thomas!” He wants to talk my hunch.

Forget it! (said to myself)

Several weeks pass, same display

In from dejeuner, wave him away

Many times he tried to engage

I was self absorbed to the page.

Colleague gone a few weeks I heard

Nervous breakdown rumor stirred

Weeks later he’s back in the fold

Refreshed, ready to go we’re sold

By chance still incised in my mind

From tiffin clear veranda find

Enter atrium all the people

Up I look high as a steeple

Sitting on balustrade was Bob

Seven floor fall, life he would rob.

Ponder time floor seven to make

Meter was short a life at stake

Looked down at me, started to stand

“Don’t do this Bob” held out my hand

“It’s Too late” as he stood and swayed

I yelled, "NO!" closed my eyes and prayed

HE THEN

~~~JUMPED~~~

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Please no offense to those Poets who have an expanded vocabulary or don't mind looking up words. The feedback I have gotten that this is a benefit makes it worth it. I don't use bigger words to try to be "cool" either. The reason is just to expand my vocabulary and discipline myself in poetry.

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Glossary

• gloaming = noun: the time of day immediately following sunset

• peripheral = adjective: related to the key issue, but not of central importance. Also.....adjective: on or near an edge or constituting an outer boundary; the outer area

• stewing = noun: an extreme state of worry and agitation

• dejeuner = noun: a midday meal

• incised = adjective: cut or impressed into a surface

• veranda = noun: a porch along the outside of a building

• tiffin = noun: a midday meal

• atrium = noun: the central area in a building; open to the sky

• balustrade = noun: a railing at the side of a staircase or balcony to prevent people from falling

• meter = noun: the basic unit of length

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Update:

Thank you all so much for your answers. I have received what I asked for, and I can tell how well thought out and honest everyone has been. Too, such a great group of Poets who have opined. I could not be more blessed, and if I am to stay in poetry with any hope to improve, it is people like you that I need to listen too. I think I will keep this up a bit longer so long as answers are coming in.

octogen: Though this is just a poem, it is also a true story. The last line is true. The insurance we were in was not in sales, like "the good hands man" but a highly stressful section--- investigation and claims. The man who took his life handled general liability litigation, but was buried with too much work. I did property litigation, but primarily was the guy you would see assessing damages a day or so after a hurricane, trying to help families restore their lives. We worked 16 hour days 7 days a week for months, and only when it let up just a bit would they make Sunday

15 Answers

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  • 8 years ago
    Best Answer

    Sitting on balustrade was Bob

    Seven floor fall, life he would rob.

    Ponder time floor seven to make

    Meter was short a life at stake

    It's ok to occasionally scrap a stanza a start it from scratch, maybe start by trying to rhyme balustrade.

  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    After a while you just do the best you can REASONABLY DO.

    A job is not worth taking your life over.

    If I could be evangelical about something it would be two wonderful books -

    Seven Habits of Highly effective People

    and Managing your Mind

    I know you would add the Bible - not everyone buys off on that.

    Appreciate your glossary - I knew 6 out of 10 - perhaps another

    I am going to add gloming

    Your implication was you actually saw him jump - wow. How that affected you would be a more interesting poem.

    Source(s): Soc
  • 8 years ago

    Your skills as a poet have increased in seven months Bri, I can see this from the second version of your poem. However I liked the additional detail in the first poem and as I got the same emotional reaction when I read both, I can't say that the second is any better on an emotional level. It may be on the levels of skill used, but that doesn't necessarily make it a better poem in my opinion.

    Hope you are keeping well and happy.

    • Thomas
      Lv 7
      6 years agoReport

      Cassie
      You are right. This poem, looking from now to back when, is average at best, more likely mediocre. I have learned a lot from everyone, even the ones who are a little cranky. Thanks

  • Iggy
    Lv 7
    8 years ago

    I missed the first poem, so I'm glad I've had a chance to read the second time around.

    For me the key are the feelings in the poem, which you handle well. From other comments I gather the first version did this also.

    Thank you.

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  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    I do think you have improved and I have no issue with some words being used intermittently in a poem but when one needs a glossary it is defeating the purpose maybe????

    I had this same argument when I started posting here and I thought that someone wanted me to dumb down my work, my argument back was that I was teaching the reader to learn a whole new vocabulary however one does not want to immerse them in all the words simultaneously if there are enough words that are not common to need the gloss than there are too many

    a dictionary is at ones fingertips online and so it is not a problem if one or two words are more complex

    most of the words you define are to me quite common, however when we start using ones from foreign languages and intemingling them with terminology that is not of the layperson it is to me an attempt to show off rather than to write anything meaningful

    I have a lot more to say but I am in danger of going off relevance and I am attempting to rise above that pettiness and be the better person here.

    thanks for giving us this chance to compare your work from then to now.. and have a blessed evening

    • Thomas
      Lv 7
      6 years agoReport

      Thanks for your answer. Good advice. Not showing off though. Sometimes honesty and just being who you are rattles some. From the start you have not really given me a fair shot. I don't know why, unless this is who you are. I wish you the best.

  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    Great read it three times, why? to attempt to improve my own vocabulary.

    The end line is however very unlikely; because according to a VERY old song.

    "There is no one with endurance like the man who sells insurance he is every ones best friend"

  • HD
    Lv 7
    8 years ago

    While your second version may seem more skilled, I prefer the first and this is why - in the first you really developed the setting and Bob's character. The second version did not have the detail and I find it weaker for that.

  • 8 years ago

    Its amazing how by just living how many lives we can touch. Love the theme and overall feeling of this poem.

  • Luiza
    Lv 7
    8 years ago

    Interesting and realistic poem!

    We all feel down at times...

    You are a good man for caring so much

    About others...

  • 8 years ago

    This poem reminds me of how important it is to break with routine occasionally, and do something memorable.

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