Which way do you prefer the poem?

I tried to write a poem without rhyming, then about halfway through I thought it might be interesting to rewrite it with a half rhyme, so please let me know what you think. I don't care if the comments are positive or negative, but I do ask that you add some sort of criticism please.

So cold, I feel life slipping

Draining from my very soul

A deep and slow and chilling death

That steals the warmth I feel from life.

The darkness comes before the killing

And steals my light from open eyes.

ok so now with a half rhyme (I know it isn't done)

So cold, I feel life slipping

Draining from my very soul

And although I had gone in willing

This death begins to take its toll.

The darkness takes away my eyes

As death begins to fill my veins

A terrible death it is to die

And lose it all til naught remains

4 Answers

Relevance
  • 9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    The first one to me feels more of a sappy sad poem.

    I like the second one better because it filled with sensory, and it makes you feel the poem more.

    How about mixing them like this? (I changed some parts along with the combining, but it doesn't rhyme)

    So cold, I feel life slipping

    Draining from my very soul

    And although I had gone in willing

    The cold stole the warmth from my life.

    The darkness comes before the killing

    As death begins to fill my veins,

    Steals the light from open eyes

    And All that's left is darkness

    I did my best to revise that, but I love the second poem. The second one, it made my heart stop for a second, so much feeling.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    My soul's gripped by Death's beginning

    The darkness takes away my eyes

    Though I'd have left this mess in willing

    One piece of me feels Life's so nice

  • 9 years ago

    Two L's in "till" otherwise, it's really good.

  • 9 years ago

    the 2nd poem is better

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