Is this a good start to my story; Criticism pleasseeee!!! and you can revise if you wish.?

(I don't own anything from DC comics, considering this is a fanfiction..)

He stood up above his city, staring out at the twinkling night lights of the city he stood for as a symbol. Of all the people every night he’d risked his own life for, he knew there was still a number of them he had never saved. Guilt weighed on his shoulders every night he pulled the cowl over his head. He let his rage out on the criminals he would manage to capture, beating them to a pulp, but not enough to kill.

As he let the wind whip back his cape, he thought of the people he cared for; loved. His butler and long time friend, Alfred, and the love of his life he’d betrayed.

Rachel.

He missed her beautiful features; the brown hair, perfect skin, soft lips, bright eyes and her voice. There was so much he yearned for, but he couldn’t change the past. There was only today and the future, and he had to move forwards.

This part of him, the mask, it consumed him, and that was now the future for him. He began going out more often, leaving the playboy persona for a small part of his life, and swallowed himself whole in the darkness.

__________________________________________________________

It was only a little past midnight when she woke up. She was lying across something cold, and wet. For some damn reason, she couldn’t manage to breathe right. There was pressure against her lungs, an invisible weight she couldn’t lift.

Shifting uncomfortably, she felt pain shooting through her midsection, particularly her ribs, and then something dripped into her eyes. She squeezed her eyes, and rubbed at them. Pulling away her fingers, she looked to see a dark substance that contrasted with the colour of her skin. Even in the dark, she could tell it was dark crimson. Then, she brushed her fingers across her forehead, feeling the cut flesh, and stinging pain. With her eyes shut again, she tried to revisit the previous events that had managed her injuries, but she could not recall. It all came as a blur in her head; a pulsing headache.

She gurgled blood in her throat, almos choking, and began crying out in the night.. Why had she fallen so weak, under what cirumstance...

Update:

K , I know there are no spelling mistakes, except for 'almos.' , but that was because my keyboard did not type out the 't' at the end. Repetitions? Okay..... WTF

Update 2:

and that was too; ††AnkhesenKheper††

6 Answers

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  • 8 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Awesome ;)

    Source(s): .!.!.
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  • Joss
    Lv 7
    8 years ago

    A lot of this is telling. for instance, instead of telling us how he beats people to an inch of their life, SHOW it in a scene(s) where he's mercilessly beating people.

    A lot of the sentences are clunky and I had to reread a few just to understand what you meant. Your writing needs tightening and you can condense a lot of the long sentences to shorter ones with the right words and by removing unnecessary words.

    Watch out for redundancies. for instance, in the first sentence you have 'stood up'. If someone stands then they're going up, so you don't need the word up. Same with other stuff (not saying these are in yoru work, just examples) like hot sun, cold winter (unless you mention it's hot, it automatically assumed it's cold), jump up, etc.

    The second part is much better than the first part.

    Return the favor?

    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AhbaN...

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  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    I like it a lot

    The parts I have an issue with:

    - "He missed her beautiful features; the brown hair, perfect skin, soft lips, bright eyes and her voice." It's like reading a shopping list of beautiful body parts.

    - "As he let the wind whip back his cape..." Was he resisting the wind whipping back his cape? IMO Rather say: "As the wind whipped back his cape..."

    - "previous events that had managed her injuries" "managed" becomes "caused"

    - Spelling "almos[t] choking"

    But really, well done!

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  • 3 years ago

    with the aid of all means, specific, placed up it. you will in no way comprehend till you have tried. in no way be afraid of complaint, because of the fact even even though it hurts, you could deny that it provides some thing stable to your writing means. human beings say that we are going to no longer please absolutely everyone, and specific, this is genuine. complaint is often there even for the traditional books like Harry Potter or i'm valuable you remember The Da Vinci Code. complaint isn't advise. a stable one gives you the strengths and weaknesses of of your tale. you opt to your tale to be extra helpful, do no longer you? So attempt to no longer be afraid. ending a narrative is extremely an accomplishment, no longer each aspiring writing can do this. i used to be afraid of complaint besides, yet i did no longer care. I did placed up it and specific, I won some comments. a stable complaint is extra like a guiding principle, so why be afraid? If somebody being rude to you and say "Your tale is a crap" etc, do no longer worry, they are people who could desire to get a existence! stable success and congrats on ending your tale!

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  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    You have a lot of misspelling, repetition, odd sentence structure, and info-dumping.

    I would revise it. As a reader, I couldn't get past the value of the content to enjoy the scene.

    ~~ ††AnkhesenKheper††

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  • 8 years ago

    Wonderfully written; am not a professional writer but this intro is very, very good.

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