I need help revising my 1st paragraph!?

I am doing a position paper on the Millionaire's tax. Can you help me revise my Intro? feel free to correct or change anything...

In the past few years, our struggling economy has been forced to have many drastic budget cuts in California due to the 2.2 billion dollar shortage which has deliberately put many people in a very ruthless place. Currently, California has declared over one billion dollars in budget cuts in schools and social services (CBS Interactive Inc., 2011). Ever since 2008, budget cuts have led to big increases in K-12 class sizes, nearly a doubling of community and state college tuition, and billions in cuts to essential services for children and seniors. Without it the state would suffer billions of dollars more in cuts, leading to schools and hospitals closing, thousands of people losing their jobs, and millions losing opportunities and services. The new measure will prevent draconian cuts from occurring and will send a signal that the people of California want to fund education and vital services. (Courage Campaign, 2012). California cannot afford to have anymore budget cuts, and the Millionaire’s Tax proposal is the best way to restore our economy and prevent it from getting worse.

2 Answers

  • 8 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Here you go. There are three bits you might want to take out.

    In the past few years, our struggling economy in California has been forced to implement many drastic budget cuts due to the 2.2 billion dollar shortfall in revenue. Over one billion dollars of these cuts are in educational and social services (see CBS Interactive Inc., 2011). Since 2008, these cuts have led to big increases in class sizes from kindergarten to the 12th grade. They are also responsible for a near doubling of community and state college tuition fees, and drastic reductions to essential services for children and seniors, and for how badly I've written this.

    Without the so-called "Millionaires Tax", more billions in cuts will be required, leading to the closure of schools and hospitals, job losses in the thousands, and millions of Californians suffering a poorer quality of life for the lack of opportunities and services. The new tax will prevent the need for such draconian cuts from occurring and will send a signal that the people of California are committed to funding education and vital services. (see Courage Campaign, 2012).

    Any further cuts in services will irreparably damage California's infrastructure, and risk destroying the unique way of life there, perhaps leaving this great state to become just a backdrop for Hollywood. While the new tax will be a burden for some bloated plutocratic trust fund parasites in the short term, in the longer term it will give the next generation a future where California is still one of the greatest states in the USA (which is to say, almost half as good as any of the states in Australia).

  • 4 years ago

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