How does this chapter of my novel sound?

I'm using a first- person view point, so the grammar won't be all primp and proper.

He's just like the rest, thinking they can win me over with just "smooth" talk.

Ha!, that Ricky has no clue. I don't play hard to get, but i'm not easy, he has a long way to go.

Is that Laura? I see a short woman stepping out of car, her bare stomach exposed, brown curls mixed with blond highlights against her back, and oh yeah that tattoo of a cheetah on her left eye, that is defiantly Laura.

I run back downstairs once again, she's my best Friend, what'd expect ?

As I open the kitchen door, I see her and T.J talking, I run to her, embracing her. Yet, I am still mad she didn't tell me that she left.

"Laura, you didn't tell me you were gone, I had to do my hair all by myself, and you know how that works"

"Sorry Ettie, I didn't want to freak you out, and yes mamacita your hair is not on point"

Laura's about my mother's height , and by the looks of it she's picked up some weight while she was in the Bronx, but it looks good on her. Laura's arms are still short and slender, and her stomach is still as flat as a surf board.

"Ettie, I didn't introduce you to Ricky, he's my home boy from the Bronx, we go way back, he just moved here yo"

Not again, do I have to talk to this fool? because he is not worth my breath.

"Hey" I coldly say to him while looking at my chewed nails. He just keeps looking down at his red sneakers, shifting them to and fro.

"Sup" he quietly says, not once looking up at me.

"Alrighty then, have you guys met before?" Laura asks scratching her head.

" Yeah, your home girl gave me the business a while ago" ugggh, why did that fool do that?

"Try to get to know me better, and then we can talk" I can't stop from grinding my teeth, i'm trying so hard not to show how angry I am.

"I bet if I was Leonardo Dicaprio you would be all over me, but I guess i'm not a white boy and I don't have blond hair and blue eyes, so I don't stand a chance"

"How does Leonardo Dicaprio pretain to what we are talking about?"

" Oh, so you're fancy huh?, a picture says a thousand words, and his picture is on your shirt right now, i'm pretty sure he wouldn't find your attitude, uhmmm, what's that word? intolerable".

Update:

This is the first part of this chapter. PLEASE READ THE DETAILS.

However, this novel is like romeo and juliet meets poetic justice. Basically, there is a gang war between Brooklyn and the Bronx, and serenity "Ettie" is from the Brooklyn, and Rickly is from the Bronx. In a violent time like this, you must pick a side, it basically challenges human nature. and answers this day old question "Can love surpass hate?"

1 Answer

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  • ?
    Lv 4
    9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Not bad, but needs work. As this is only a portion of your opening chapter I offer these few observations:

    Watch your spelling and punctuation. It's "prim" and "pertain".

    A physical description of the MC and Ricky would help your opening chapter.

    Lose the "echo". In other words:

    "He's just like the rest, thinking they can win me over with "just"...." you repeat the word just. It's a habit I've had to break myself, so I'm passing it on.

    Don't get me wrong. Sometimes word repetition works well, when you're building emotion or theme. But here it sounds more like an echo.

    I like the story's synopsis, but would warn against sounding like so many other stories of this ilk. Try to stretch your theme, go into unfamiliar places. You might be surprised by what you turn up.

    Good Luck!

    Source(s): Fellow Writer
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