Do you think this is a big, or little lie?

Question

My wife and I lived in a city we both enjoyed.  I had a job I really enjoyed, but it kept me on the road for weeks at a time and we had a child on the way.
We both agreed I should go back to school and finish my degree to help put us in a better financial spot and to leave my industry.  We decided to move next to my mother for the support, and live simply while in school. 
My wife didn't like the idea of moving back to VA, so we backed out last minute.  Instead she wanted to live next to her parents in AL.  I was not keen on the idea of living in AL and was not hearing it.  She pressed on and I eventually caved in.  I agreed to move to Alabama on certain conditions. 
1. I would go back to school to finish my degree.
2. We would move to a town we mutually wanted to live in once our goals were achieved.  I made it very clear Alabama was not my home and I did not want to live there at all.
She was more than willing to promise me these things and we moved.
6 months later she is house hunting and ignoring my request to enroll in school.  One year later she confesses to me she had no intentions of leaving and had hoped I would have changed my mind eventually.  Four years later we are duking it out in divorce court for our children.
Am I wrong to feel cheated over this?  How do I let it go and find happiness in a town that doesn't feel anything like home?

Leele · Accepted Answer

You were cheated and she knew she would not agree to a compromise.  She intentionally lied big time.  She will have to share the children.  Go to school and do not let her spoil your career.  She may have the children more for now but in the long run she can not fool the children.  My one son and family are in Florida. I am on the west coast, but I do agree with you VA beats AL,hands down. Move on and be happy. She was only interested in winning, not in you and not your dreams

Anonymous · Answer

Very Big lie... but is that the only reason for the divorce? where you both want to live? Wow.. that's sad if that's the ONLY reason! idk..but in your case it might be cheaper to keep her.. anyways, good luck to ya!

Sarah · Answer

Yep, I would feel cheated and and very thoroughly angry.  I would probably not have let this go as far as it has.  Thing is, for one, I was born in VA, lived here for 2 years of my life that I don't remember, but then was raised in AL, through the age of 13 when my parents divorced (and my mother and I moved back to be with family, in VA).  I hated that AL, and to date, would never go back there.  I would feel very imprisoned if I felt like I had to, so on this particular matter, given I know both states well, I truly understand your issue here.

She did not stick to her end of the bargain here.  I would dare anyone to say that YOU need to be the one to suck it up and tough it out...because what about HER part?  What about her promise to you that it would be temporary, and that you guys would follow a well laid plan, before making a change in location (outside of that dreadful state)?  I wish you guys had a written agreement to all of this, because this is something that would hold up in court.  But who does written agreements with their spouse of all people, who they are supposed to be able to trust?  Grrrrrr.

All that said, well...now, here you are.  I really don't know what to tell you here.  If you guys are already going to court, you may be somewhat limited (very unfortunately).  Especially since, even according to the agreement that YOU said you guys made, the part about meeting goals hasn't even been met yet (considering I assume you didn't go to school)...so technically, the piece where you find a mutually agreed upon place hasn't even come "due" yet.

I'm really at a loss here, because I wish there was some magic formula to fix this, as given I know the differences between these two states, I can understand where you would not feel at home in Alabama.  As it is, now here your children are, and are at stake.  If you were to manage custody, the judge would not want you leaving the state.  If you did leave the state, you would likely also be responsible for providing all visitation transportations.  The only thing that you may have to help with that was this promise from four years ago, and I don't know how well it's going to hold up.

Maybe you can find a way to make it feel like home...like, build a mountain (or even a decent sized hill) down there.  I hope you have an attorney.

Best wishes.

**EDIT**

Ohwait.  If you guys moved to TN together, and then SHE is the one who returned to AL...then she should actually be providing transportation.  AND, if you can file for custody within 6 months of her move (if it's not too late), then she would have to return to TN for the custody hearing, as that would be considered the child's home state (if done within 6 months time).  At least, this is law in VA.  Might be worth looking at...

Gina P · Answer

She is very much in the wrong. She tricked you into going by lying to you. She manipulated you. I think it is a very big deal. Big lie. You were cheated BIG TIME.

Maybe she didn't want to be anywhere but Alabama, ya know, maybe she considers Alabama her home. Maybe she needed to be closer to her own mother while having a child on the way. Maybe since she loves Alabama so much she thought that maybe you would too if you just gave it a chance. Even if all these things are true, although I could understand it, she is still wrong for lying, manipulating, and breaking a life-changing agreement with you. She should have been honest about her feelings and intentions.

Dani · Answer

I don't think you are wrong in this at all. Sure she is in a place that is home to her, but she didn't even give one bit of consideration to how you would feel. It should have been discussed and some kind of agreement should have been made prior to the move. It's really too bad she couldn't have compromised, all she accomplished was creating a broken home. I'm sorry you are going through this, it's really too bad she just wasn't up front with you.

? · Answer

This was a big lie and you have every right to feel manipulated on this 
She did this hoping you would change your mind ?
Your heart is where your home is and yours is,nt then you will never be happy 
But your wife and children will stay there no matter what 
So the choice becomes yours your wife and kids 
Or your life without them in it 
It depends which is most important you ?

Sweet C · Answer

she should've been more considerate that you wanted to finish school.  Alabama sucks !

cheeky monkey · Answer

I don't think it's you that has the problem- it's your wife. After all, she's the one who can't keep promises. Letting go... you just let go. xD  I don't really know what you're feeling at the moment, but if you want to let go and find happiness in a town that doesn't feel like home to you at all, why don't you move to another city and start a new life there. Or, if some reasons you can't, just start a new life there. After all, everything goes on.

CRIZZLE · Answer

If she never had any intention of meeting you half way that is just flat out manipulative. You're not wrong to feel cheated at all, especially since the consequences of her selfishness are very very dramatic to say the least. The best thing you can do for yourself is to let it go and just stay focused on your kids. It'll be hard hard no doubt but sadly she hasn't left you with many opportunities. I'm sincerely sorry and wish you the best of luck :(

Sue B · Answer

You should feel cheated.   I hope the courts see in your favor to have the children. Good Luck

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Do you think this is a big, or little lie?

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