How do you move on after your family disowns you?
My father recently disowned me when I decided to stop being his cash cow. To sum things up, all my life, I had to take care of him. He enjoys playing the victim. Frankly, he's better at finding excuses than actually working to achieve anything. When I was 15, my mom left us and never looked back. I got a job to help my dad out but he ended up taking all my money to pay for bills. I put myself through college and worked hard for everything I have. My dad kept borrowing money from me, despite having a decent job, without ever paying me back. I moved out when I was 21 but somehow my dad always guiltripped me into buying him either expensive furniture or plane tickets to travel, saying he'd pay me back but never did. I did well on my own, got a great career and invested wisely. I'm not rich, but I budget well. Everytime I succeed, my dad sees it as an opportunity to borrow money to buy himself things. When I need help from him, he never has time. When I refused to lend him cash, he gave me the silent treatment. He told my younger siblings to ignore me because I am selfish and will have bad karma for disappointing him. I told my siblings not to listen to him but he brainwashed them so they too are ignoring me. I tried to reason with him, but he hung up on me. I'm devastated that my brother and sister have abandoned me and sided with my dad. I did everything for them and they are treating me like I'm evil. I cannot believe how ungrateful they are. I refuse to crack and beg any of them to talk to me because I know I did the right thing. I started therapy last month but I'm scared to have permanent damage from this. My bf recently proposed to me and promised me we'd have our own family and be happy. I want to focus on people who really love me. What can I do to move on and stop feeling sad?
- ClarityLv 48 years agoBest Answer
It is a sad day for anyone when they realize their parent/s are just little kids who have grownup but still have their own problems and set personalities.
It sounds like your dad got used to you giving in to him. I don't blame you, its very normal to want to help your family and get respect and gratitude from a parent. it feels good. You may have enabled him a little in the beginng, but its nothing to beat yourself up about. This is NOT your fault. You have been an amazing daughter, and truly, your dad should be grateful for all you have done for him. IM sorry he is not.
Your Dad is an adult, and he should act like one. He isn't getting his way so he is acting childish and immature (getting everyone in your family to gang up on you, giving you the silent treatment, hanging up the phone on you). He is basically having a tempter tantrum.
Personally I would probably think of it this way; if this was a "friend" who constantly borrowed money and never gave it back, who got nasty when they didnt get their way, who never helped you when you needed something, would you want to keep them in your life? Im guessing the answer would be no. As for your siblings... Think of them as friends who didnt stay out of the fight. It doesnt concern them, but they are basically bullying you into what htye want. Dont give in or it will never end.
They hang out and live with him it sounds like, so it makes sense they listen to your Dad a bit more, even if he isnt right. Dont worry about it. They will grow up and end up doing what you did or see him for what he is. Leave it civil with them, whether its a "look, when you guys are ready to talk and hangout let me know. Balls in your court" and leave it at that. Dont let them bait you into a fight or let you leave saying something you will regret later.
You probably would like some closure wiht your Dad too. I would suggest writing him a long fat letter :) pour your heart and soul out, but dont let your note get nasty. Be aware of "i" and "you" messages ( for ex. "I feel angry when you" vs "you make me angry when") it makes a subtle difference. Make sure you read it over and not say anything nasty. You might regret it later. send it in the mail or leave it in the mail box. for him and forget about it. There's a chance he will get mad and reply, or call you. If he is angry or yelling hangup or close the door in his face. He should be able to talk to you about it like an adult. Make a photocopy in case your dad tries to say you said things you didnt. If he talks to you calmly go on.
I think your bf is right, see a counselor, they will be able to help you in more ways than one.
Family is important, but it doesnt need to be by blood. Heck lookit adoption. Find some good friends and keep them in your life.
PS. have you thought about trying to contact your mom? Perhaps she left, feeling the same way you did, and that she felt all her kids were brain washed against her too. That way you can keep a bit of your family.Source(s): moved out when i was 15 cuz my mom was a lazy bitch lol
- Gaia’s GardenLv 78 years ago
You said it yourself. Find people who love you and don't look back. Buy one of those plane tickets for yourself, and go meet new people.
- 8 years ago
You are completely right.
Your father should not have treated you like he did. It wasn't fair on you, and he's the one that's in the wrong.
It's your money, your life, you don't owe it to him and you are not responsible for him. He's the one who should be responsible for you. Why should your buy him things? You shouldn't. He's your father. He should grow up and behave like one.
You are not going to have damage from this. Come on, girl, you're strong.
You managed to say, "No", didn't you? That shows the courage you have. It's all going to be OK.
As for your siblings, they'll come around.
Your father will probably want to borrow money from them, and they'll soon realize that you were the right one. They're going to come back and apologize, just you wait!
A great tactic to deal with this is to create art. Always helps me.
Draw, write poems and stories, sing, dance, learn to play the violin. It all helps. Play music, write music, listen to music, watch movies, make movies, draw cartoons, write your own comic series, make stuffed toys, build LEGOs, walk outside, take up a sport, archery, walking, cycling, yoga (that helps), meditate, try to discover the greater meaning of life.
And the most important thing is, you're with the person you love.
And your boyfriend-soon-to-be-if-he-isn't-already-your-husband loves you.
And you're going to go and live one hell of a happy life with him.
And have kids, and live in a big house with a (insert favorite animal) and a pool and loads of other cool, funny and plainly interesting things.
And one day, you'll just wake up in the middle of the night and go, "Hell, you know what? I lived through this. I lived through all that happened to me, and you know what? I survived. And now I'm going to make my life as happy as I can make it, as happy as a human life can possibly be."
May You Be Happy. :)
Hugs, Rumble.Source(s): We females need to stick together when things like this happen!
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- mamaw2305Lv 78 years ago
Be proud that you have accomplished what you have in life.You have done enough for your dad and he is selfish to keep asking for more when he uses it on unnecessary things.There is a time in life when you have to say no because he is taking advantage of your generously.It's too bad that he has turned his back on you and now has your family doing the same thing.One day when they see what he is doing they will understand .As he will do them just like he did you.You were the smart one who finally had enough and spoke your feelings.This is his lost and you may be hurt but you did what was right.Your dad should be thanking you .Concentrate on your life and happiness and be content knowing you did the right thing.
- 8 years ago
Your family honestly seems to suffer from a shared mental illness. Please don't internalize the way they treat you. I have a crazy dad too, and the only thing that makes me feel better about it is the fact that he is no longer a part of my life. Life is short, concentrate on the people who are good for you and make you happy. You'll feel a weight off your shoulders when you stop wrapping yourself up in your family's mentally ill BS.
- Anonymous8 years ago
"Fate makes our relations, CHOICE makes our friends". Your kinfolk sound totally un-worthy of wasting any more time thinking about them. I supported my elderly parents - with rarely a word of thanks from my Father, and little-more than contempt from my Mother - IF I had my time again, I would join the Navy, or some industry which would get me away from them.
THEY have forced you to where you are now - BAD PARENTS DO EXIST! Don't be guilt-tripped, and watch for such behaviour from your guy - you HAVEN'T sub-consciously sought-out a man anything like your Father, have you?
Best of luck in your life. Oh, and please paragraph - you write with great clarity and economy, you punctuate well, apart from paragraphing. 'A group of sentences centered on the same topic' - that can be a group of just one, or a handful. Your story deserves good paragraphing.
- 8 years ago
Have your own family.
And tell your dad you don't work anymore.
- 8 years ago
Don't worry, your siblings will learn what your father is when they get older. When they learn the value of a dollar explain to them what happened to you. They shouldn't be anything but sympathetic and understanding. Just move in with your fiance and live your happy life. You're father is a bad man for what he did to you, you should feel relieved you don't have to pay for any more expensive things for him anymore. Continue to see your therapist, they will give you ways of handling your sense of loss. Feel better!! Congrats on the engagement!! :)
- 8 years ago
First of all im t=not sure if your very religious but i would pray about it, And then just move on, Try and keep busy and focus on your bf.
Im sorry if this is a lame answer Hope i helped