Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 8 years ago

can you read my book chapter and tell me what you think, tips anything that help pls?


Some say the world is evil; some say it is not fit to be call pure. They say it’s inhuman the way the world is going. A world that is driven by blood, the weak get prey on by the hunters, some say the world is rule by instincts. The higher up control the chain of destiny, the world itself had become there playground, vampires. Even the sun itself is afraid of this world, because it no longer shines thru Nacune. The human population had been decline tremendously over the course of the years. Their populations have been decline to 10 percent, while the vampires’ population had thrived. It wasn’t always like that, the humans use to be the hunters and the vampire the pray. Long ago, when the sun was men’s greatest weapon, the humans use its strength to wipe out vampires. As the struggle continues on for decades, their effort had paid off; even the strongest vampires could not survive in the sun. The battle was been favor to the humans, there intelligent on killing “demons” as they call them grew. Something happened that they will never forget till this day, the sun stop shinning. Days got shorter and night became longer, the moon itself grew bigger and brighter. This was no ordinary light, the moon itself slowly turns red as blood, and today it is known as the MOON BLOOD. With one single change the war of struggle change, the vampires see the opportunity to turn the battle to their favor. No one really knows what truly happened, how the moon could turn red as blood. Till this day it cannot be explain, the vampires grew stronger, but the humans still felt the still had the upper hand. Men after men started to become vampires, with one single bite from the enemy. Their army grew, and so was their taste for blood. As time pass Nacune change dramatically, the humans came up with one last effort to end the battle, an all for nothing war. This was knows as THE BLOOD WAR, the vampires were to powerful, without the sun to stop them, the world was theirs. “We cannot win this war, they are faster and much stronger than us”, it was soon they realize this world was no longer theirs. As the war continues on for decades, the vampires were now the majority; there powers could not be match. The humans had lost their greatest weapon, now down to 20 percent, they called for a truce. Their peace Treaty was decline, and the waged of battle continue on. Nacune has five continent, all connected to one another, known as the five division. As the war continues, the humans were corner in the first division; there last strong hold, but the vampires hunger could not be stop. As the vampires continue marching for power, a king known as Dawson had just risen to power. He use his strength to stop the war, it was clear by now the humans had lost. Their weapons were taking away from them; Dawson became king of the first division. He uses his influence to establish peace to his division, but not all his comrade felt the same way he did. The vampires went against his authority and continued to feed on the humans. It was then Dawson passes his first law as king, any vampire who drink the blood of a human will be punishable by death. “My lord, how will we eat, how will we survive”. Dawson suggest they continued on drinking the blood of animals, after all, they been doing it for years. Dawson himself was no ordinary vampire, he was a member of the aristocrat, him and the other fourth kings who rule the five lands.

As the moon became more powerful, it no longer rain water, now rain blood. The vampires no longer need the blood of the humans; they now had an unlimited source of blood. It is said that a thousand years had pass, and the five powerful kings vanish. Before Dawson had gone, he had already chosen his successor, and young powerful aristocrat know as Edward. This young king continues Dawson legacy, the humans of course was protected under him. Another thousand year has pass, now Edward and old man; a young men came to his kingdom. Edward absorbed him before speaking, Edward thought to himself. After a vampires live for long time, they can sense each other’s power. ‘Raise your head’ said Edward; the young man raises his head and Edward face turn white, as if he had seen a ghost. This young man was Dawson, but how could this be, thought Edward. “It’s not just me, the others are awake as well” said Dawson. Edward kept silence for a moment, wondering how this could be, when he last saw Dawson he was an old man, and now his youth had return to him. Dawson got up and started moving closer to Edward, stately, just enough not to scare him. Then he explains all that he could.

5 Answers

  • 8 years ago
    Best Answer

    The story has good "bones" as it were, but the way you are fleshing it out is a little problematic.

    Most noticeable is the grammar, but I wouldn't worry about that just yet. Lets start with the content.

    The first three sentences say exactly the same thing. The world is too savage. You don't need to say that three times with synonymous words. The way you write makes it impossible to understand what you are talking about sometimes. 'The higher ups control destiny, vampires' ? Huh? In any case, vampires do not control destiny. They may be powerful hunters, but no one controls destiny. If they did, there would be no point to a story, because the end would be written by vampires. I think you are trying to say that the vampires are the top of the savage food chain. That they are.

    Then there is your description of the human population dropping to ten percent. Ten percent of what? Ten percent of the human population 20 years ago? Ten percent of the vampires population? Ten percent doesn't make sense unless you say what the total is. Besides this; Vampires need humans to feed. I very much doubt that vampires even could thrive if there were very few humans for them to feed upon. Unless they feed on animals, of course. If so why exactly are they spending so much energy fighting humans? Its also good to remember, most people will not automatically assume that vampires are bad. Even if they do drink human blood. After all, we eat animal flesh. We kill when we eat just like any other predator. So you need to work on exactly how the war started between the two, and why one of them decided to genocide the other.

    The whole moon thing is your next problem. The moon is a reflection of the sun. This is true of all moons on all planets pretty much. That is why it glows, because thats a reflection of the sun. If the moon is brighter, its because the SUN is brighter. The moon being bright, while the sun is dim is a very big problem.

    OK...I see they are hunting humans because they are a delicacy. Really? They are going to risk dying to drink human blood when they have already gotten used to animal blood? I don't know. I like chocolate cake, but I wouldn't fight to eat it if I had a lot of sandwiches.

    Also, you have now talked about this war with humans for like ten paragraphs, and it turns out it wasn't even that important. Humans died not because of the vampires, but the planet simply changed and vampires were better suited to it then us. Also, if the sun is dim, it affects plant life, which in turn affects animal life, so I am not real sure how these vampires are getting ANY kind of blood.

    And where had Dawson gone? Aren't vampires immortal? These vampires seem pretty human. If the sun ceases to shine, it wouldn't take long for humans to adapt too. They would also be sensitive to the sun's rays.

    So Edward sees a young kid that looks exactly like Dawson. But that doesn't mean he is Dawson. I would just assume he was someone else. Who looked like him. Also, What do you mean "the others are awake as well" ? You need to explain what is going on first. So the reader doesn't have to think "what the F*** is he talking about" and then find out later on how it works. Thats not going to keep people reading. They will give up before you explain.

    You need to work out the kinks, and then correct the grammar. But I do like the whole concept in a broad way.

  • Judith
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    chapter 1

  • 3 years ago

    Television is only educational if you are seeing a documentary or something similar

  • Ashley
    Lv 4
    3 years ago

    better watch a movie,than read a written booklet.Of course,it is much easier to get a much better picture by watching the action(images),then looking at all these portrayed words.

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  • 8 years ago

    Love this story so detailed. And I love it

    Source(s): I'm a writer my self
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