How can I cope with my girlfriend's death? Teenager.?

I'm fifteen years old, and my girlfriend of two years, who was thirteen, killed herself three months ago as I slept by her bedside. She had been diagnosed with complex regional pain syndrome, which is basically a serious form of arthritis that was effecting her entire body. She had waves of serious pain that... show more I'm fifteen years old, and my girlfriend of two years, who was thirteen, killed herself three months ago as I slept by her bedside. She had been diagnosed with complex regional pain syndrome, which is basically a serious form of arthritis that was effecting her entire body. She had waves of serious pain that lasted for hours at a time, although they were getting less frequent as she started to recover. The doctors had told her that she would have recovered in 3-6 months time. She decided, however that it was too much for her to cope with for that long, and took her life.

When she was ill, I used to visit her every day, and I would spend the night, watching over her as she slept and comforting her when she woke from the pain. I had fallen asleep when she killed herself, and she left a suicide note in my hand while I slept. Now I sleep with it every night and read it when I need to let out my emotions. In it, she dedicated a paragraph entirely to me, which had such a strong effect on me, I want to share it here:

"George, my love. You are my soulmate, my protector, my guardian angel. You are the one thing that kept me going since I was diagnosed with CRPS. You kissed me as I cried, watched over me as I slept, held me as I cried, and made my life worth living. Had it not been for your love and support, I would have ended it a long time ago. But it has become too much for me to deal with, and it isn't fair to make you suffer for me, like you have been doing, any longer. Thank you for helping me to cope, I love you with all my heart and I will watch over you from Elysium (we are polytheists, placing our faith in the Roman pantheon of gods) until we meet again in the afterlife. I know you will grow to be a successful and happy man, with a loving family that I am sorry I won't be able to be a part of, and I feel a great deal of jealousy for the woman who claims you as her own, but take solace in the fact that I was the first to receive your love. I want you to keep this, so that you have something to remember me by, something physical to relate to all the memories we have shared. Goodbye, George. I love you."

This note helps me deal with my loss and helps me to remember all of the wonderful experiences we shared, but I am struggling to cope with losing her. A lot of the time, when my grief is uncontrollable, I want to join her in the afterlife, her note the only thing stopping me from ending it. I need help dealing with losing her and some advice would be much appreciated.
5 answers 5