Sebastian was driving his brand new black motorcycle through what once was a beautiful forest full of life and history.

That was of course before the human hand intervened and sliced it with a gray cement line not caring what he destroyed or knowing that this place has seen more horror and bloodshed than any other place in the world.

Humans are like little dogs marking their every territory so they could feel superior for no serious reason. All of this was weird Sebastian thought, he couldn't yet comprehend how fast this world has evolved in the past century. He could still remember this road a century ago when it was still trees and mud.

After a few hours of driving he finally reached Red River,a small town cut off from the outside world surrounded by forests,it was a self preserved town so the people didn't need to go to nearby towns for work or supplies,and of course it had what Sebastian needed more right now,privacy.

Nobody cared who you were in such towns as long as you have money and don't cause trouble. The first building he saw was the gas station which was perfect because his bike was about to run out.

He stopped in front of a man resting on an rocking chair looking at him.

''Need something stranger?''

''I want you to fill it up.''

''Fine''the man said getting up and picking a gas hose.

''What is your name boy?''

''Sebastian,Sebastian Darson.''

''My name is Billy Shan,but friends call me Bill.''

''May I ask,what is your business in Red River ?''

''I was looking for a way to get away from the city and I heard about this town and how quiet it is. So I called the mayor and he is expecting me.''

5 Answers

  • 8 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    This sounds like the beginning of a fantastic story. I hope that you will continue it. However, you have several grammar errors. The dialogue is also a little confusing. Judging by the way the quotations are placed, it is Sebastian who is asking Bill, "May I ask what is your business in Red River?" So you might want to add something that Sebastian says before that or connect this line with Bill's line before (unless, of course, you intended Sebastian to ask Bill this). Also, one does not need to contact the mayor in order to move into a town, unless it is a very exclusive town.

    Another suggestion is that people generally don't call strangers "Stranger", so it sounds kind of rude just saying "Need something, stranger?"

    On the other hand, I love your hook and how it immediately establishes an image of the kind of person Sebastian might be. From "...what once was a beautiful forest full of life and history," I am intrigued. Maybe add a little more about that forest? You also sort of contradict the "beautiful forest full of life" part when you write that it "has seen more horror and bloodshed than any other place".

    Keep going, though! It sounds like it will become a wonderful novel. Good job!

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  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    Room for a lot of improvement. I'm going to cover the two most obvious errors you have done;

    Show, don't tell.

    (Google the rule) Don't tell the audience that Sebastian was riding a motorcycle, show it to them, create an image with words, describe what it looks like, feels like, smells like, don't just tell them that! It's a story! And as a story writer you should create upon a world! Your job is to entertain, not inform.

    The second mistake, and the largest by far, is the conversation, but that is understandable, a lot of new writers commit these mistakes. You need to build up a scene, describe what the character is doing while talking or between, but remember to tell the audience only what they have to know, it's pointless to talk about a wolf stalking a creature few miles away if it doesn't interact with the current scene or a pebble beneath the hero's motorcycle, unless it's relevant to the scene or used to build it or the atmosphere.

    I can't tell much more without these two improvements.

    Oh, and also, avoid using 'said' or 'asked', use other, more entertaining synonyms or make them more interesting.

    *a rocking chair

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  • Sarah
    Lv 5
    8 years ago

    I like it, you set a good tone. Also, there are many ways you could go with this so it's keeping things interesting and not too mysterious from the get-go!

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  • 8 years ago

    I think its really well written and i like the idea of it. just maybe dont make it kinda cliche with a big romance or something other than that bravo! (:

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  • 8 years ago

    Your a very good writer. May I ask what will it be about ????

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