Terror in the Family?
My mother and I have a challenging relationship. She is a negative and unhappy person and complains every minute of every hour of the day. I walk on eggshells around her. If I bring up and issue that she did offensive, she YELLS at me like it's World War 3. I get lethargic around her and she drains my energy and I also suffer from depression which makes it harder. Ever since I was young, she would constantly yell at me, like I'm a punching bag, and often have a defensive attitude. I wanted to commit suicide at age 10 because of her. When I was 12 years old, I became anorexic because of her, I stayed in my room all summer and didn't eat. She would say she loves me but her behavior is different. She has a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. She would be nice and turn into a monster in 10 seconds. Even my son is terrified of her and he doesn't like going anywhere with her and my mom blames me for it and she says I brainwashed my son to not like her? I didn't have to "brainwash" my son. My son sees it for himself that his grandma is scary. My son is close to his grandpa (my dad). My dad acts like a normal grandparent. He offers to help me with my son without me asking for me and he would take him to the park, ride bikes, fly kites, drop and pick him up from school because my dad wants a bond with his grandson. My mom blames me for it? She says why do I let my dad help me with my son? I should do EVERYTHING by myself. I have tried to establish a normal relationship with my mom. I can not do it. It is draining. I tried going on vacations with her and she made my vacation a living hell. Always complaining and attacking me. I don't know what to do. I have cut her out of my life for 12 years and I didn't communicate with her even when I was pregnant with my son. I am thinking of cutting her out of my life again. I know she will not change and I can not do it anymore. It's sad that I can't have a normal relationship with my mom. I know she can not give me the support that I need and I can not talk to her about anything. I can't deal with her negativity. Any thoughts? (yes I plan on seeing a therapist when I can afford it). Thanks in advance for any support.
- Coach SimonLv 79 years agoFavorite Answer
As you say, she is negative and unhappy; you need to tell her that you had a very unhappy childhood due to her abuse and you are not prepared to allow your son to suffer in the same way. Her emotional blackmail (such as blaming you for her faults and accusing you of poisoning your son's mind) is typical of someone with virtually no self esteem, and there is probably virtually nothing you can do to change her. Sad for your father, of course, but he makes his own decisions.
You come across as amazingly well adjusted for someone who had such an unhappy childhood.
Have you told her what you have written above? You could give her a last chance by explaining (in writing perhaps?) that you would dearly love to have her love and support for you and your son, and you are extremely sad for you all that you never have. Don't be angry or blame her, but as things are her fear is greater than her love.
- 9 years ago
First thing I have to say is that you can't blame anyone else for the problems in your life like your anorexia. Even if she is partly or completely to blame for it, you can't move on in life if you have someone to blame. Blame never fixed any personal problems because it's the easy way out. You have to look at it as your shortcoming and improve yourself so that you will never have to face a similar situation again, where someone close to you is to blame for tearing you down. You can't stop trusting people, so you will have to face each 'tearing you down' situation and become a better person for it. As they say "live and learn".
As for your mother, it sounds like her behaviour is her defense mechanism. Usually when people act the way you describe you mother, it's because she is afraid of something and is lashing out to misdirect the people around her. It's a way to keep people at arms length. The underlying reason for this is that for whatever reason, your mother cannot bring herself to truly trust anyone. There could be any number of other reasons for her behaviour but taking what you said into account, this is my best theory.
Also, from what you have written I assume that no one has stood up to her before. You are too emotionally attached to this situation so there is no way that you can do anything about her on your own. You need someone to stand beside you and support you as you confront her and really dig deep forcing her to stop pushing you away and misdirecting you. It's very hard to try and understand someone when they're screaming at you. And even though she doesn't know it consciously, your mother is counting on that.
The key to resolving the problems in your relationship with your mother is 'understanding'. Once you understand the reason she behaves the way she does, and there IS a reason or reasons, then the both of you will have a much calmer relationship. It is also improtant to make her understand the effect that her nagativity is having on you and your son. The only other option is to run away and cut all ties with her but that is never a good idea. Usually the easiest way to do something is the wrong way.Source(s): My life experience and the lives of people around me. I am not professionally trained in psychology to please use your best judgement in the actions you take.
- 9 years ago
Has your mother every been tested by a doctor as having bi-polar disorder? I'm being very serious, which is what it sounds like. Are your parents still married? Im so sorry for you horrible childhood. It's being a wonderful mother that you're not willing to subject your son to the same thing. She is not a good person at all for your son to be around.
My opinion? Give her an ultimatum. Either she makes an appointment with a medical doctor to be evaluated or you and your son are done with her forever.
- OcimomLv 79 years ago
Your mother is a verbal abuser. And its best to stay away from her as much as possible. I lived too many yrs with a verbal and emotional abuser with my ex-husband.
Doesn't matter if its your family or your spouse - do not stay with abusers. Get out and stay out.
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- ?Lv 49 years ago
she sounds like a psychic vampire. dont scoff, its a real thing. certain people like your mom literally drain the life force out of others. google it.
- Anonymous9 years ago
I've never seen anyone actually walk on egg shells.