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Is this sentence OK for the start of my story? Its a bit unusual.?

I know it may seem a bit weird at first and I know it swears in it but that is just how the story is. I have been through it a couple of times to make it grammatically correct but the chances are I have missed things.

‘Odysseus,’ I heard Circe call through the darkness, ‘Odysseus where hell are you?’

‘I don’t know, come towards my voice.’

I listened to Circe’s gentle steps come my way and then put my hands out in front of me.

‘I still can’t find-‘

‘Ah, you just hit me in the eye.’

‘Well don’t put your eye where my hand is then.’

She gripped my arm and then held it tightly for a moment.

‘What happened to us?’

‘I’ll tell you what just happened to us, that bloody idiot sent us to the world our worst enemy created!’

‘Don’t call him that.’

‘Well it not like he going to-‘

‘****! Odysseus.’

I jumped as her grip tightened on my arm and then held her to my chest.

‘What?’

‘My wings!’

‘What about them?’

‘They’re gone!’

Any constructive criticism is appreciated. :) Thank you.

Update:

By the way the **** was done by Google. In the book it has the actual word.

3 Answers

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  • 8 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    The plot seems good, but you have a LOT to work on.

    First of all, whenever there is dialogue, it's not 'Odysseus', it's "Odysseus".

    The whole thing doesn't flow very well, and you need to break the dialogue up by adding more detail in between. If you are trying to keep details down because you want to make it mysterious, then I understand, but you still need detail to keep it flowing.

    Things change very fast in the scene too. You don't give the reader any explanation at all. You need to start with detail.

    Something like:

    I don't know how I got here. All I can feel is the cold air brushing my skin and the sense of hopelessness I feel in this dark, empty place.

    Make the reader feel as if they are in your story!

    Good luck!

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  • 8 years ago

    actually it is pretty good it seems like a story i might read :) good work

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  • 8 years ago

    I really like it, I don't see anything wrong with it.

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