What do you think of this cutting?

     The cause of death was bleeding due to the amazing amount of squeezing that her body went through. There were thick marks all over her body that seemed to be caused by enormous hoses. The medical examiners stated that these were very similar to marks seen on someones body after being killed by an anaconda, and that there was absolutely no way that a human could have done this to her. There were too many holes that would be left in that theory. First of all, the force was so great that multiple bones in her body were crushed. Second, the crushing lasted a time that would be impossible for a human to maintain. The third reason was that there is no object on the Market that Derrick could have purchased to do this that wouldn't have broken. Every last resident in the town was lost. They put on a hunt for the snake that could have cause this, thinking that maybe it was an animal that was taken to be put into the illegal animal trade but escaped, but it was a dead end effort. Nothing was found, and that meant that Derrick was set free. Free to do whatever he did to Zariah to someone else.

     My best friends death sent me into an unconscious period, but once I visited my grandmother that all changed. After dinner, she pulled me aside and told me something that has become the reason for my obsession today.

    " I know who killed Zariah, but you may want to take a seat before I tell you." 

Confused, I slipped onto the coach across from the chair that she sat down in.

     "They're called shadow people."

4 Answers

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  • 9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    It was good until you reached "My best friends death sent me into an unconscious period , but once I visited..."

    From there on it got way to fast. you cant throw something like that right on the reader just after explaining the death. I think the revelation of these 'shadow people' should not be so soon. But rather much ahead, maybe even chapters ahead (assuming this is a novel). One of the best things to keep in mind here is 'SHOW don't TELL'. In this selection you told us that that the character enters an 'unconscious period' now i understand that 'unconscious' is not being used literally here but remember that ur audience is incredible dumb and they wont know things until u show them. After telling us this, you need to show it. a good example would be how in New Moon, after Edward leaves Bella, we have to endure bella moping around being depressed for a while. now all of twilight isn't necessarily a good example, and im not a huge fan but u should get my idea. Bella doesn't just say, 'i was depressed for 4 months' and then skip to the end of it. You should have a few paragraphs (or maybe even a chapter) here where a series if events take place and ur characters reactions to them show us what kind of a mental stage shes in, rather than u just telling us. and there should also be plenty more suspense building towards the revalation of 'shadow poeple'. like for example, the arrival to grandmas house, the kind of looks that gramda gives her, conversation leading up to the revelation and maybe even grandma almost telling her a few times, but hesistating or being iunterrupted. These are deisions u need to make as an author and should really take into consideration.

    Hope i helped :)

  • 9 years ago

    Its a lot better than the first one i read about shadow people :P. Maybe you should change the name of shadow people to something else because it sounds a little childish how about shadow crawlers or shadow drifters dunno don't change your story just for me tho.

    Source(s): What i think
  • Joanne
    Lv 5
    9 years ago

    ...Why didn't the snake eat her?

    I'm pretty sure that would lead the authorities to believe that it wasn't a snake.

  • 9 years ago

    I will say that it is an improvement on what you had posted before.

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