Would you want to keep on reading?
Tell me if you would keep on reading this and if you wouldn't tell me why. Any other comments would be appreciated!
They found Kylie in the woods. Her whole body was black and blue, and there were odd thick lines all over her body. The autopsy revealed that she had been squeezed to death in multiple areas, but with what was still a mystery. Everyone that had been involved with her after her death said that it was a brutal killing because she had felt a tremendous amount of pain before the internal and external bleeding finally caught up with her.
My whole body went into an uncontrollable shake all through the night that we found out. I couldn't think straight, but I was aware of myself enough to call Derick over to keep me company. He was dating Kylie during the time that they found her dead, so we spent the night in embrace, puzzling over her death.
Or so I thought.
I found out the whole truth about him threw a half-burned up book that I had found in the woods. In the book the writer had scribbled down things about almost everyone in the small town that I was from. But the thing that she had written about Derrick stood out to me the most.
His great grandparents were shadow people, the shadow people that I had only heard about through ancient folklore. They hunted for other fellow shadow-holders in order to build something that no one else knew about. The writer guessed that it was their own shadow-army. They were cursed, all of them, with the soul of a shadow creature that acted out their strongest emotions. The curse had been passed down for generations on end, and Derick had received the shadow of rage.
Keep in mind that this is an extremely rough draft and not in anywhere complete!
- cirque de luneLv 69 years agoFavorite Answer
Here are my thoughts:
- I personally hate the name Kylie, but that's a matter of taste.
- The first two paragraphs held my interest. A little messy, writing too passive, but the subject kept me reading.
- "Everyone that had been involved with her after her death" is this a fancy way of saying the medical examiner's office? Don't make this so vague.
- You spelled Derrick's name different in several places.
- When I got to your fourth paragraph, about the book in the woods, I thought we might have a modern day Twin Peaks on our hands. Then I read about the shadow people, and my heart fell. Why can't murder victims just get murdered by plain old fashioned murderers?
So, to sum up, the last paragraph doesn't sound like it belongs with the first four. Go back to Kylie being dead in woods, recapture that realism, and stick with it.
- 9 years ago
I guess this really depends on what kind of books you're interested in. For me, this sounds like Horror, Fantasy or Contemporary Fiction, which is somewhat of the books I enjoy. The beginning sounds really good and made me keep reading but towards the bottom, on the last paragraph, I got kind of bored and confused because I didn't quite understand who the "shadow people" are. I think you can go into more detail there but yes, this made me want to keep reading.
- 9 years ago
The bad thing about fantasy is Info Dump which is most common in fiction. Try not revealing all the details at once about Derick and shadow peopleSource(s): What i think
- ~MogMog~Lv 79 years ago
It's boring, and it's an info-dump. You're just throwing all these random details out there, without giving us any sense of action or excitement.
Also I found out the whole truth about him threw
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- Marker805Lv 49 years ago
Yes, sounds like a good read.
- 9 years ago
The H, I didnt want to read that. It was to damn long.