Husband developed close friendship with another woman. Am I being unfair to him?
My husband and I have been together for 22 years. We just recently reconciled after a 4 month separation of which he was the one that wanted it. My kids and I just moved in with him about a month ago. During the period of separation he acquired an apartment and lived with a 21 year old female (he is 41) of which later on I would find out he had an affair with while we were separated (they both claimed they were "just friends"). Also during this period, he developed a friendship with a woman (divorced with children) who both he and she claim they have been friends for years back to when they were in high school. During our relationship I have never heard one thing about this "friend" nor has he ever had any close friends of the opposite sex until the separation. They are in constant contact with each other via text and phone calls of all which happens when I'm not home or late at night while I'm sleeping. I've tried explaining to my husband that I'm not comfortable with this friendship he has with her and I feel right now is the wrong time for him to be having a close relationship with another woman while we are trying to repair our marriage. At first he agreed. He is still in contact with her almost daily and it's still behind my back. I found this out by snooping through his texts on his phone of which I'm not proud of doing but I have MAJOR trust issues. He is now furious with me because he states he has no friends (the one close friend he had he blew that friendship because of the affair he had with his friend's 21 year old stepdaughter while we were separated) and he feels I'm not being fair to him by asking him not to continue this friendship with this woman. I've actually spoke to this woman and she seems like a nice person and I've told my husband this but I can't keep fooling myself and still feel jealous, uncomfortable and untrusting with this whole friendship thing as he confides in her things that he should be talking to me about. Now he's texting her in front of me and to be honest, I get jealous, angry, and hurt. I want to go to marriage counseling but he wants to put it on the "back burner" until he recovers from his current medical issues. I also feel that the only reason he wanted to reconcile and for me to move in with him is because he is currently on medical leave at work, has no income and needs someone who's working to pay the rent, bills, food, etc. Oh, and I've also found out he is still in contact with the girl he lived with and had an affair with via internet and possibly by phone/text. Am I being unfair to him? Do I have a right to feel threatened by this so-called "friendship"? I need opinions from others who are not direct friends/family with me as they all are telling me to leave. I'm so confused because I love my husband and I want nothing more than to repair our marriage. Thanks :-)
- mmmLv 79 years agoFavorite Answer
tell him if he needs a friend - YOU ARE RIGHT THERE - if he needs a pal to hang with - go find a guy friend - this man is NOT mature enough to have an adult female friend - sorry
- ???Lv 79 years ago
It sounds like he's still going through whatever it was that made him make this decision in the first place. He's still "foggy" and feeling justified in treating you badly.
I would tell him that if he needs someone to provide for him while he's healing, he needs to cut contact with these women. "Just friends" didn't work out in the past. He's already proved he can't maintain those boundaries, so there's no reason pretending you're being unfair. Tell him that once you start marriage counseling, you'll decide whether you're staying married or not, but that for now you are moving out if he can't take care of your feelings. I WOULD start calling lawyers in front of him to figure out your options. I wouldn't make a production of it, just do it. You can usually get a phone consultation for free. Call as many as you can because it limits his options - a lawyer you've spoken to generally won't represent him.
- judeLv 79 years ago
he is just using you for whatever he can until he recovers from his illness and i never would have moved in with him in the first place until i was sure the affairs had ended. i think its unfair of him to be in a marriage and still be in contact with these other women. this isn't the first time he cheated, i think your very foolish for going back to him in the first place. he is using you and you need to move out and file for divorce. if he were really interested in restoring the marriage he would end it with these other women, and he would be more than willing to go to counseling. when he gets better he will dump you when he doesn't need you anymore.