Will you help me with some of the imagery in this? I've finished it, but am not fully happy with the result.?

This idea has been trying to bend open the bars at the back of my mind for some time now; I decided to just let it out, and give my brain a rest. The title is the same as a solo dance piece I performed in college, by the way.

RENDEZVOUS WITH SOLITUDE

Red.

It puddles upon the forms

stacked beside the computer,

covering the signature.

It drips on to the keyboard,

luridly coloring the numeric keypad.

The preaddressed envelope

has been soaked through,

allowing the stamp

to follow the current downstream,

lodging between 5 and 2.

The broken pen lies in pieces

spread about the desk.

Except for one,

which pulses regularly.

"Won't the IRS be upset

when they don't get

their pound of flesh

from me this year?"

he thinks to himself, giggling slightly.

The bottle of vodka lies on its side,

making the red an aromatic pink.

The pen starts to pulse more slowly,

as his life slowly drains away

staining the detested 1040A, B

and all those other numbered

governmental forms.

His blood finally stops flowing

and he takes a last breath

(or perhaps

it is a sigh of relief?),

knowing that he will be no longer

jumping through unnecessary hoops.

The hoops he has

to jump through,

just to pay the people who will

audit him.

His solitude is profound;

he has at made his last rendezvous.

This is not happy, I know...but this is what I feel like every year on my birthday...the day before taxes are due. Obviously, I haven't done it; however, it has been tempting at times. Thanks for reading this, and fixing any needed changes.

Update:

The last line should read

"he has at last made his last rendezvous."

Sorry, folks.

2 Answers

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  • Thomas
    Lv 7
    9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Mister Ski-Idaho Sir:

    This is a spellbinding poem.....coming out of Hitchcock.

    You are going to think I am crazy, but you had me mesmorized up to L15. I think a re-write minus all the IRS reference would be superb. Now I know why you wrote it, and the poem as it sits is very good, but (at least to me, imo) read it aloud. I did, and when you get to talking about IRS stuff, it takes away from the suspense, the imagery you created.

    You could even leave us hanging without knowing about what the cause of the solitude and last rededezvous is, and the meeting with vodka.

    Great talent, potential w/o limits, remember what we talked about, all the years past, but there are still many ahead, Lord willing, to achieve greatness.

  • HD
    Lv 7
    9 years ago

    I would say "pay his debtors" - that gives a double connotation, auditors is so singular in its meaning.

    That is the only criticism I have for this and I have to say - this was mesmerizing to me. An almost stream of consciousness, but controlled just the right amount.

    As an aside - I somewhat identify, we lost our house, business etc, two years ago.

    Every time the phone rang from creditors - I was terrified.

    I also like it when you talk of your days of dancing. I would love to read more of that too.

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