? asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 9 years ago

How would you rate the beginning of this battle in my Novel.?

The Basilisk, Basilisks are large, green, and winged serpent like creatures that spew congealing acid. The acid is a mixture of the Basilisk’s saliva and stomach acids, each by themselves are perfectly harmless but when combined together it acts as a swift and deadly solidifier. Basilisks have wings that are built for flying but due to their robust size they are unable to take flight. But their wings are not completely vain; by flapping their wings they are able to increase their movement speed tenfold.

The Basilisks quickly slithered their way toward Edmund who was prepared to engage them at the right moment. Unfortunately Edmund knew nothing about the Basilisks aside from the fact that their movements and attacks were lightning fast. He had no effective blocking tool such as a shield to defend himself against the Basilisk’s acid. He was at a real disadvantage, but knowing Edmund, he always came out on top.

The Basilisks quickly approached Edmund; they each attempted to strike him with their razor sharp fangs. Edmund hardly had time to dodge the first Basilisk’s lightning fast strike; the second one came too soon for him to barely defend himself. The second strike, struck Edmund’s Steel 2H sending it soaring behind him, he leapt back in attempt to retrieve his 2H. The first Basilisk darted in and used its tail to send the Steel 2H farther away from Edmund. Edmund turned and faced the Basilisks, his eyes darted back and forth between the two Basilisks keeping a close eye on them awaiting the slightest movement from either of them. The second Basilisk tried its luck this time, as the Basilisk tried the strike Edmund with its fangs Edmund made a small leap backwards as he swung his Usurper 2H cutting off the second Basilisk fangs. The second Basilisk fell to the ground and began squirming like a worm.

5 Answers

  • 9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    I'd rate it a solid 3 out of 10.


    1) The first portion from "The Basilisk" to "speed tenfold" is nothing more than information dumping that tells me characteristics about the baselisk. It slows any battle scene action down..which is what you need to avoid.

    2) You tell throughout all of this and show nothing. Consequently, it's rushed, vague, and doesn't draw the reader in. I don't care about Edmund. In order for this scene to be intense or to draw me in, I need to -care- about your character.

    3) It's a wide-sweeping description of a battle and reads like a video game. I can practically see Edmunds mana/health bar dropping each time he takes a hit. You need to avoid writing it like a "to-do" list: This happened, then this, he didn't have a blocking tool so this happened, and then THIS.

    4) Finally, No character development. Again, I can't care about Edmund because I'm not inside his head. I don't know what he's thinking or what's at stake for him if he loses, (other than death). I don't care about him and because of that, this scene fails.

    Hope this helped pinpoint your trouble areas. Good luck.

  • ?
    Lv 4
    9 years ago

    There is plenty of description and detail but the key problem I am seeing right now is that you are telling the reader rather than showing them.

    A prime example of telling is evident in your first sentence :"Basilisks are large, green, and winged serpent like creatures that spew congealing acid."

    To show instead of tell, it is more indirect (ie. you use the senses of your character to show the reader what they are seeing and how they are feeling)

    An example is: Edmund knew from reading books that Basilisks were large, green, and winged serpent like creatures that pew congealing acid.

  • 9 years ago

    You can obviously write fairly well, but my problems are that you seem to focus on the basilisks and you aren't describing it through Edmunds eyes, you aren't descibing how he's thinking going up against 2 basilisks

    Describe them through your story like this:

    "the basilisks slunk towards Edmund their huge green wings twitching as they moved. Edmund knew they could move lightning fast at any point, the thought made his palms sweat"

    Source(s): my head
  • cosio
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    by using the time you get it carried out, zombies could be shrink back in type. that's like human beings cycle by using monster crazes(...the present you are able to vamps XD ) come to a determination for it! Be as unique as conceivable! thoroughly off the wall suggestions! Like zombies donning their very own brains around, and particularly eating distinctive peoples brains if it replaced into comparable to theirs....or some zombies eating brains, and distinctive zombies particularly eating distinctive organs. Be inventive! can't wait to verify it.

  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • 9 years ago

    Intense. nice tho. I like the weapon names too.

    Source(s): Curious
Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.