What do you think of my life? Is my life a complete mess?
I'm looking for some guidance. I don't want pity. I don't want you to feel as if I'm looking for pity either. I've gotten to a point where it really doesn't matter to me anymore so I think I really need to get help on this one.
Firstly, here's all the facts about my life:
- I'm 17, don't judge me immediately by my age. I'm no 'hormonal teen'. Please, just don't.
- I'm in my final year of secondary school, yet I have no idea of what I want to do in college, etc.
- My mother is Schizophrenic, it has been a 12 year ride in which the outcome has been me living with my father. My mother is a changed woman. I don't look at her as my mother anymore. I really try to blame the illness, the good part within tells me that's the reason for her actions. My attempts have failed, alas.
- Both my parents have tried to kill themselves. My mother due to illness, and my father due to the stress involved in the above.
- I come from a poor background. I rarely get any pocket money, which has restricted me from doing a lot of things normal kids do.
- I have no friends. The only people I talk to are school friends. I don't get invited to anything. I kind of like it this way though, I'm less vulnerable.
- I have trouble functioning socially. Social events are hell for me. Even accepting phone calls is difficult. I always feel like I'm not good enough for whoever I'm talking to. The last girl I was with told me that she didn't feel like I liked her because I kept asking questions like 'why do you like me?' etc. Even though I loved her.
- I'm not religious, I've really tried to get into all that stuff but my mind doesn't allow me to. I can't accept unproven facts. I just can't. I doubt I'll even believe in anything spiritual.
- I'm not suicidal, nor will I ever be. I try to look to the future. I try to take everything one step at a time in order to accomplish some unknown purpose that I'll meet in life later. I don't know what it is yet but hopefully it even exists.
I need hope. I don't have anything to hold onto right now. I can't talk to anyone about this because I don't think it's their problem to deal with. I write a lot but it's not helping my mind. I'm trapped in by my own thoughts that are telling me I'm not good enough for anything.
Even in a normal conversation, or in school. I cannot answer a question in fear that my answer will be either wrong or not good enough. I pull decent grades but I always doubt my potential or tell myself that it's all just not worth it.
Life is meaningless to me. I don't even see living things anymore, I see machines created of the same stuff as inanimate objects completing tasks that have no meaning in how the universe works.
When the human race is dead and gone, there will be absolutely nothing that we've contributed to.
We will never even know what the universe is for, why it's here or what caused it to appear.
What's wrong with me? Please somebody help me, I can't take it anymore.