Fn asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 9 years ago

How do you like my story?

here is a small sample of my writing, please let me know how you like it

Gretchen turned the steering wheel quickly to one side as she desperately tried to maneuver her van away from the bikers. The tires of the blue van screeched on the wet pavement as she pressed on the gas pedal and nervously peered at her rear view mirror. The bikers, a gang of tattooed, leather clad ruffians, fervently and tirelessly pursued the van, waving their pistols above their shoulders as they rode on loud motorcycles.

Gretchen had merely dinged one of their precious bikes with her van as she was leaving the grocery store next to the bar, and this had enfuriated the leader of the biker gang. Now she found herself weaving along the desserted streets, trying to desperately escape from the greasy grasp of the biker gang.

"Oh no, not now!" Gretchen grimly noticed, "I'm out of fuel!"

The needle on the fuel gauge pointed directly at the 'empty' sign. Turning her attention at her rear view mirror again, Gretchen saw about ten individuals speeding on their motorcycles and were steadily gaining on her old van. Moments later, her car began to suffer the effects of lack of fuel, and inevitably slowed...

3 Answers

  • 9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Honestly, I'm not impressed. You are trying so hard to sound smart and sophisticated, and by doing so you are portraying the opposite. Writing should be how you speak! It should sound natural and flow off the tongue with ease. All these million-dollar words jam packed into every sentence ruins the meaning. It's okay to have a vast vocabulary and put it too good use, but the way you're writing it drains out the purpose of the story.

    A reader should not have to decipher every other word of the story. All these descriptions that say the same thing over and over again makes reading your story seem like a job instead of fun.

    Not every action and noun needs an adjective right beside it. Each word in your story should have a purpose, and not be there merely for the purpose of adding sophistication. Short sentences are better than long sentences most of the time. Commas are great, and I understand needing to give a long description here and there, but you HAVE to give the reader a break. Simplicity is a good thing! Not everything needs to be full of imagery and synonyms and other figurative language. Mix it up a bit, because too much detail can be just as bad as not enough detail.

    I'm sorry if I sound rude, and I am by no means saying I am a great writer (I'm not even that good). This is my opinion as a reader. On the bright side, if you are able to write this, then I can definitely see that you are naturally a talented writer. Just stop trying! Read your work out loud to yourself and think, "Is that actually how someone would speak? Is this too confusing?" I was reading an article on how to be a great write by a published author and one of the tips was use as little words as possible to get your point through.

    I really hope you don't hate me because I am just trying to help. I only give criticism to people who I think have the ability to gain from it and become better. You really should keep working because I can tell underneath all that desperation to be sophisticated is a good writer.

  • koltay
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    Well, for my latest tale, I was once prompted via television. Normally television evokes me anyhow. But this one is distinct. I was once looking Terra Nova on Tv, and although it wasn't that fine of a exhibit, I nonetheless noticed the abilities in it. And then I made up our minds that writing a unique with dinosaurs could be so cool, and some thing so not like some thing I've ever performed earlier than. So then I introduced into all this making plans with some of these distinct characters, and it was once going to take position within the jungle with dinosaurs. Then I persisted the making plans approach and rewrote outlines. Then I began, and wrote a horrible starting I ended up scrapping. And now I've obtained the thought down. And the humorous factor is, dinosaurs don't seem to be even a aspect of it anymore. So the item that fairly prompted this novel, does not even exist within the novel anymore. It does nonetheless, nevertheless, take position within the jungle, however the thought is close to thoroughly distinct from the long-established prompted thought.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    I think its good ^_^

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