Would you read this story?

Alright I know its on the rough side but I will be editing this so don't do it too harsh

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“Mommy, I had a bad dream can I sleep with you and daddy?” I ask. The open window let warm breaths of air circulate inside the room. Mommy and daddy never left their window open; they said it was too dangerous. The moon shines through the open window making the broken glass sparkle. Wait, that wasn’t right why, was there glass on the floor? Mommy and daddy would never leave glass on the floor. I could hurt myself with it.

Walking closer to the bed I slip on something in the darkness. I whimper as my arm gets cut from the glass on the floor. Blood rushes from my arm onto the floor. Suddenly everything slowed down until it was almost a complete stop. Raising my head I turn and look around confused, this couldn’t be right. A noise comes from my mom’s side of the bed. The noise got closer and closer until someone’s standing in front of me. I look up to nothing but blood red eyes.

Scurrying backwards I try to get away from the eyes. The eyes were blood red like the blood coming out of my arm. I didn’t want him to go near me, he smelled like old people. I couldn’t take it I started crying for my mom, my dad, anyone that would help me. A hand clamps down on my small shoulder. I stop and look up at the bright eyes; they were different somehow but still the same.

“Shh, hush small child I won’t hurt you…much” his voice was soft like speaking to a baby but it was also a command. I continue to look into his eyes as he moves my dull brown away from my neck. I scream in pain as my shoulder starts to throb. My arms were too little to try and push him off. Last thing I see before I pass out was his eyes and a bloody smile on his face which I could now see in the moonlight.

“Sleep tight Kaytlin” he kisses my forehead and leaves before I could blink. Darkness surrounded me as I slowly drifted off into sleep.

3 Answers

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  • 9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    You're right, it is a little rough. Not too bad though. If you're open to suggestions, I'll offer these:

    Be careful of repeating words over and over - blood, blood red

    Obvisouly, the character is very young, but the narrative is not in the voice or POV of a young child. I think this would be better if written in third person.

    Write in active voice instead of passive and avoid using passive verbs like was and were. Say He spoke instead of was speaking, etc

    good luck

  • Sophie
    Lv 4
    9 years ago

    I liked it. Yes, it needs to be edited, but all my stuff does too. That's always the last step. You cant take time out to edit when you're on a roll! Pretty original, so far anyway, nothing too cliche. I would want to read more. Actually, I want to edit it for you lol. I have a sick disease where I enjoy editing other works that I like reading.

  • ?
    Lv 5
    9 years ago
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