If you like to read, could you proofread my essay?

I need an outside source to proofread my entrance essay and tell me what you think? Any english criticism or ideas / problems you see,, i would like to know.

TOPIC: Imagine you have graduated from Temple University. You are preparing to attend your 10-year reunion, and the alumni office has asked you to write a one-page essay about your personal and professional accomplishments since graduation. What would yours say?

ANSWER: As I’m writing this essay I’m actually saying “wow” to myself in astonishment thinking about how it’s been a whole decade since I had graduated from Temple University. I think about how I’ve undergone many life-changing experiences just a decade after my attendance at Temple. My time after graduation is what’s led to be a series of professional accomplishments to me. Personally for me, it’s turned into a decent career, and lastly, it’s made me appreciate my time spent learning in college.

I knew that I’d never give up learning even after my masters’ degree at temple, and that is why I studied toward my Ph.D. in Mathematics. If I hadn’t done such a thing, then I wouldn’t have received the “Teacher of the Year” award two years later for my outstanding performance in classroom creativity and my association with the children in the community. Shortly afterwards, I joined the “National Parent-Teacher Association (PTA”), where I continued to show my love for teaching and work ethics needed to keep education at its best.

Now, I work at Pennsylvania University, one of the best schools of the state, so I can honestly say that after a decade Temple University had completely begun the improvement of my life. Even today, I continue to enjoy teaching students and working with the community.

In the end I can only say what a pleasure it’s been to be able to attend Temple which has proven to be a school of opportunity for students There isn’t much I can do but say thank you to those professors and school leaders who have inspired me to work my hardest and prepare me for my life’s dream of becoming an excellent middle school math/science teacher. Admission into Temple University was the gift that made me to the person who I am today, and I expect to acknowledge it for another decade.

Tell me what you think, what should I add/delete, is it a complete disaster? and so on

2 Answers

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  • 8 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    You did quite a nice job. I changed a few words, did some very minor rearranging, all to tighten it up a little bit. Obviously, it is only a suggestion for your consideration.

    Charles.

    ANSWER: As I’m writing this essay I’m actually saying “wow” to myself in astonishment thinking about how it’s been a whole decade since I graduated from Temple University. I think about how many life-changing experiences I’ve undergone in those ten years. My time after graduation has led to a series of professional accomplishments. Personally, it’s turned into a better-than decent career and it’s made me appreciate my time spent learning in college.

    I knew that I’d never give up learning even after my masters’ degree at Temple, and that is why I studied toward my PhD in Mathematics. If I hadn’t done that, then I wouldn’t have received the “Teacher of the Year” award two years later for outstanding performance in classroom creativity and my association with the children in the community. Shortly afterward, I joined the “National Parent-Teacher Association" (PTA), where I continued to show my love for teaching and work ethic needed to keep education at its best.

    Now, I work at Pennsylvania University, one of the best schools of the state, so after a decade I can still honestly say that Temple University had begun the improvement of my life. Even today, I continue to enjoy teaching students and working with the community.

    In the end I can only say what a pleasure it’s been to be able to attend Temple which has proven to be a school of opportunity for students. There isn’t much I can do but say thank you to those professors, instructors and school leaders who inspired me to work my hardest and prepare me for my life’s dream of becoming an excellent middle-school math/science teacher. Admission into Temple University was the gift that made me who I am today, and I expect to acknowledge it for another decade or more.

  • 8 years ago

    As I’m writing this essay I’m actually saying “wow” to myself in astonishment, thinking about how it’s been a whole decade since I had graduated from Temple University. I think about how I’ve undergone many life-changing experiences just a decade after my attendance at Temple. My time after graduation led to a series of professional accomplishments. Personally for me, it has turned out into a decent career, and lastly, it has made me appreciate my time spent learning in college.

    I knew that I’d never give up learning even after my masters’ degree at Temple, and that is why I studied towards my Ph.D. in Mathematics. If I hadn’t done such a thing, then I wouldn’t have received the “Teacher of the Year” award two years later for my outstanding performance in classroom creativity and my association with the children in the community. Shortly after wards, I joined the “National Parent-Teacher Association (PTA”), where I continued to show my love for teaching and work ethics needed to keep education at its best.

    Now, I work at Pennsylvania University, one of the best schools of the state, so I can honestly say that after a decade Temple University had completely begun the improvement of my life. Even today, I continue to enjoy teaching students and working with the community.

    In the end I can only say what a pleasure it’s been to be able to attend Temple which has proven to be a school of opportunity for students like me. There isn’t much I can do but say thank you to those professors and school leaders who have inspired me to work my hardest and prepare me for my life’s dream of becoming an excellent middle school math/science teacher. Admission into Temple University was the gift that made me the person who I am today, and I expect to acknowledge it for another decade and more to come.

    It's well written one pager. Although I have edited few lines, you may always feel free not to agree with it. Hope you get the best edit from other reviewers.

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