Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 9 years ago

Seeking a wide range of opinions, please?

These were her rounds, her routine. These were her grounds, her path. Her fingers trembled as she brought the cigarette to her mouth, and with forced deliberation, she inhaled and masked her face with sheets of smoke. Beyond her, through a mesh of crossed wire, was the open and waving grass: the unrestricted and uncontained world. And above her were the birds in trees, crying out with a “Po-twee-twee-tweet” before batting their wings and taking flight, gliding effortlessly over the fence. Delicately, she laced her fingers over the links and pressed her palms to the frame; her head rested against the post and she sighed with the cool touch of metal. Her breaths fogged at the air and, in a moment of weakness, she closed her eyes and remembered.

There were screams; echoing through the house and reverberating off the walls. She was supposed to be in bed, bed time was over an hour ago. But the screams, they wouldn’t stop. They were louder than normal, more persistent and pitched. Cautiously, she left her room, Mr. Rey Sandy, her stuffed bear in hand. With each step she took the floor boards creaked. Did he hear? She paused, held her breath and bit, chewing and gnawing at her tongue. The screams had stopped. It was quiet. Mustering her strength, she continued, walking on tippy-toes. When she got to the railing, she crouched and stuck her head between the two beams. Shadows, there were only shadows dancing against the wooden floor. She leaned farther out, wrapped her hand around the beams for support and began to protrude from the staircase. The shadows went through weird movements and bouts, almost little tantrums of sudden jerks, and then stillness. She leaned farther out, allowing her whole torso to hang. Still, nothing. And as she leaned farther, she dropped Mr. Sandy. He fell to the floor, swirling and rolling on the way down, and resounded with a slight “click” as his glassed eyes tapped the wood. They had heard her.

And the stiff and starched hairs of fur poked and prodded at her skin and she opened her eyes. Beside her fingers was the sniffing nose of a patrolman’s German Shepherd. The dog’s teeth were bare and its mouth moved with flinching jaunts. A low and uneasy growl escaped from him and the patrolman gave the leash slack. Quickly, she drew her hand back and stepped away, kicking and stepping on her own feet in haste. The patrolman watched her, stoically, and the German Shepherd pricked his ears up and observed her with a deceptive calm. Where are you going, buddy? Why are you leaving, friend?

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  • 9 years ago
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    Opinion. You are obviously interested in structure. These three paragraphs work quite well structurally. That's no mean trick. So, congratulations. However, structure can be subtle, so beware of its subtleties. For example, Mr. Sandy fell to the floor, swirling and rolling on the way down. Structurally, the swirling and rolling during the actual fall might serve you better if it precedes the "to the floor." Structurally, the sentence might serve you better as "Swirling and rolling through space, Mr. Sandy fell to the ground." The impact of the glass eyes tapping the flooring is splendid. Another structural choice is the bird in pp 1; how does the bird serve the image? Is it metaphorical? Is its effortless gliding something the protagonist admires or envies? Give each choice a structural basis and you will find much honor coming your way. BTW, these are three excellent paragraphs. I am eager to read the fourth.

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