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How do I fix my marriage?

Background: my wife and I met through friends and had an on and off distant relationship over a couple years. We got serious and she moved out here. 6 mo later we eloped. We've had a few bumps so far. Sometimes we're truly happy and sometimes it feels like we're polite but distant. Sex is rare (to me (2-4x a mo.)) it feels like she's got her hand on the eject handle at all times. now at 9 mo. and I did something stupid. I had an intimate yet tasteless chat online with an old flirt. My wife guessed my password on skype and saw the conversation. I was on a trip when she saw it. So she left just before I returned. She let me know before she did. At first it seemed there was no hope and divorce was imminent. But she agreed that if I get counciling she'll come back. I love her more than anything. I plan to get help soon, but for now I need some kind of peace of mind. I hate that I still feel resentment about her being distant though. Now that I've done this I don't feel I have any right or position to adress this problem either. She refuses to admit she has problems too. I've tried to talk about it but she gets defensive and flustered and says to "just drop it" or she storms off. I would do anything to fix all this! Truly anything.

7 Answers

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  • Min
    Lv 6
    8 years ago

    Mate you've been caught out, your wife's had a knee-jerk reaction & moved out. Give her time & space, but suggest that you go to couples therapy, not just you on your own. It would be good to find out why she just states' drop it' all the time? Perhaps she comes fr a background of ppl arguing?

    I've been married a long time my OH & I have a saying, just because you're on a 'diet doesn't mean you can't look @ the menu'.

    However you've gone a little further by flirting with not just some girl on a chat line but an ex girlfriend, that's what hurt your wife the most - even though you say it was intimate but didn't mean something, if it didn't mean anything why did you flirt in the first place? Surely there is something that you are missing that caused you to flirt with this old flame. Don't blame yourself nor your wife, we are all humans. We need to find out what makes each other tick. Marriage is full of trials & tribulations but you have to work @ it - more than any job than you can think of. Good luck.

    You b

    Source(s): 28+ yrs happily married & life experience
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  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    If you would do truly anything to fix it, then get counseling now, not soon. You're not likely to find peace of mind about this for a while. You have a lot to learn about relationships and you're just getting started. Counseling, whether or not she comes along, should be useful for you.

    It takes a lot of work to grow a relationship. It takes learning to talk about problems that you're experiencing without blaming your partner for what's wrong. Whenever you blame someone you're likely to get a defensive response. When you don't have the conversation at all, your resentment builds and you do dumb things like having an online chat with an old flirt.

    Apparently this all started because you were not getting as much closeness (including sexual intimacy) as you wanted. Maybe she was getting more than she was comfortable having. Or maybe she was building resentment about other things and that led her to not want to be close to you. I certainly don't know.

    What I do know is that if you can't learn to talk to each other without blaming each other for problems you won't get very far. Counseling can help you learn to have those conversations. So can some of the materials available for healing relationships.

    A tip from my booklet, "124 Tips for Having a Great Relationship" is: "Expect the closeness and distance you experience with your partner to vary from hour to hour, day to day and season to season. People experienced enough closeness much as they experience enough food – any more leads to discomfort. We all have different capacities."

    You need this kind of information in order to build a relationship.

    Source(s): "124 Tips for Having a Great Relationship" http://www.YourGreatRelationships.com/ 24 free tips and additional information about how to save your marriage are available at http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com
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  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    Marriage is tough. I think that the "average" marriage starts off fun and carefree. Sex is frequent. You laugh a lot. But over time real world responsibility creeps in. You occasionally disagree about finances or whose family to spend Christmas with. Work gets busy, you are tired, and sex becomes less frequent. The details are different for everyone but they call that life. And when it gets hard you work harder at it.

    It sounds like you guys reached a place where you were getting al title too far apart from one another. With some experience and with commitment you recognize these strains and you work a little harder at your relationship. Again, that is life.

    But then every now and then you screw up. Sometimes it is her. Sometimes it is you. In this case it is you. Basically you violated the sanity of your relationship and the absolute trust she had in you. And you are very lucky because it sounds like she is willing to work through it with some help. Walk like a man. Take her offer. You screwed up and this is not the time to throw all your complaints in her face... that will come out with counseling. Believe me, while she may not admit to having any part in this, she has guilt inside too and a good counselor will help you work through your differences.

    Source(s): Been there and still standing
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  • 8 years ago

    Sounds to me that your relationship is doomed unless you both get help. You alone going to a therapist will make it easier on you when it all blows up. But its her choice to be miserable if she wants to. Either way, the relationship is doomed without help. Cheating isn't something you just look past. Neither is sexual neglect however.

    One thing a counselor will tell you is to address each topic as separate issues. You can't mix them up and resolve anything at all.

    Google the "fair rules of fighting" before you start hashing things out and you are likely to make things a lot easier on the both of you

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  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    It sounds like you both need to go to marriage counselling, to sort out whether you both really want to make a go of the marriage. You both need to learn to compromise, and have more respect for each other.

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  • 4 years ago

    fastened marriages final longer than love marriages because of the fact in societies the place you have fastened marriage divorce is in many circumstances completely out of the question or saved for somewhat severe circumstances. in many circumstances fastened marriage is greater of a organisation or a deal than what we call "marriage" in our society. now and returned love comes later and now and returned no longer, however the deal is in many circumstances no longer meant to be broken. i in my opinion choose love marriage with all its risks.

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  • 8 years ago

    It sounds to me like you two would be better off not being together....things happen for a reason i do believe...think about what makes you happy in life......

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