State of Depression and Depersonalization?
One problem I think might have been smoking weed, although I feel as though I've had depression much longer then that. I believe the weed caused depersonalization, which I find is extremely annoying since it doesn't happen to any of my friends.
Now with depression, and depersonalization. I live a wonderful life, with awesome friends and a great school, and a very loving family. Although I have a feeling that my mom and dad sleeping in separate rooms now is just getting weird, I understand where they are coming from but they seem to not love each other anymore and my family is emotionally abusive sometimes(yelling and fighting, dysfunctional). I hate the fact that I can't handle this though, I know people who have it much worse off then me and love their lives and are the nicest and sweetest people I ever met.
My biggest problem is my parents never disciplined me to do homework all through elementary and junior high.. so now I'm in high school failing every course and getting yelled at daily (got my xbox taken away for 3 weeks, which was when they saw my report card and I don't use it anyway so it didn't help). I'm so far behind it's making everything about eight times as bad, and homework just stacks up, and yes I try to do it every night. I have days where I'm happy and days where I'm sad, I can never just live a normal life. I question my faith in God (I am a Christian) daily, but if I didn't believe in him I'd probably have already killed myself: the reason being as I kind of get suicidal but the thought of not knowing where I go when I die scares me too much to do it. Because of all of this I went from emotionally unstable to emotionless, and now I find a sense of not caring anymore. I drink sometimes, just to stay awake all night to try to do my homework, I'm too critical of my thinking and can't do it anymore. I get very little sleep now, just trying to finish bits and pieces of homework that don't matter considering I'm going to fail anyways, and I'm being serious I got told that I was since the semesters almost over.
Well I guess if you really were nice enough to stick through all of that, my question is: What should I do? I hate my life (with crappy reasoning, I live a much better one then a lot of people), and don't care about anything sometimes. Other times I feel kind of happy, but that's only on the rare day when someone says something to make my day. I'm going downhill fast, really fast, and I don't know what to do. I feel like I have all this help around me but I don't want to use it. I honestly hate this state of mind, some days I wish I could just be rich and never have anything to every worry about, this all just feels like too much.. even though it's nothing compared to some people.
And no I am not trying to blame this on my parents, it's just what I am saying based on what I've seen myself grow up with compared to others.
Thanks for reading my stupid long analysis of some of my boring life :)