I wish I was gay how do I become gay?

I did not spell my question wrong I wish I was gay I have a good reason read my story I'm 18 year old straight guy but here is the story there this gay guy i know (I found out he was gay like 2 or 3 years ago) and I think I am in love with him. So here is the story he's in his 30's now and I knew him... show more I did not spell my question wrong I wish I was gay I have a good reason read my story

I'm 18 year old straight guy but here is the story there this gay guy i know (I found out he was gay like 2 or 3 years ago) and I think I am in love with him. So here is the story he's in his 30's now and I knew him because my mom and him were friends were she worked and he came over and he was treated like one of the family (I was in elementary school when i first met him). He came with us on some vacations with me my mom my dad and my older brother and i always had a great time with him. During my middle school years I was bullied and judged because of my looks or the way I talk. And because of that I was really depressed and suicidal and every night I cried myself to sleep. Every night i put a knife to my throat and wanting to kill myself but I am religious so I didn't kill myself because of the fear of going to Hell being raised Catholic made me how I am today (I love gay people buy the way even if some Catholics don't /By the way no Catholic bashing when I read the comments).

Getting back to the subject I didn't communicate with my gay friend I was talking about earlier or anyone because I didn't care about anything because of of the problems I had at middle school and after I switch schools and left that school district and those so called "people" if they were even human and went to another school and even today I sometimes I get judged and picked on and I kind of have low self esteem.

I didn't meet my friend until about Freshman year he said to my mom I was more talkative because I was quiet because of my depression. During the end of the summer we just had my family and him went to his new house and we hung out (about this time i started to develop feelings for him) a couple of weeks later I went to his house he picked me up and he went into his cool basement and watch the first season of walking dead on his couch (we both like stuff like this horror movies, superheros,cartoons,etc) and during that time I was scooting myself closer to him so I can be next to him i wanted to wrap my arms around his arm but I was too scared to too it. I spend the night at his house and when he dropped me off at my house the next day I gave him a hug and said thanks for the great time. It's been around 2 months since I've seen him and some night I fantasize about him I'm my bed with his arms around me and it's kind of weird because I'm not attracted to guys. My parents went out to dinner with him I didn't go because I was too nervous to be there with my parents I wanted to be there with just me and him.

Throughout the years I've been like a nephew to him and the thought of him gives me a warm feeling inside me but I don't like guys but on the other had I can be happy and spend my life with him. I wish I was gay or at least Bisexual so this dream can come true and I know my nightmare will be over and I can be happy after 7 years in Hell. Please gay guys or gays overall tell me what you think.

please don't be mean

Buy the way I'm 18 and he's in his 30's now just wanted to put that so I don't get anyone confused

Also the reason about girls is because i never really had a lot of girls like me in that special way so ya.
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