How should I act as a gay boy?
How should I act as a gay boy?
I'm a 17 year old boy living in the Netherlands, and at the moment I'm really struggling with my identity. I am quite sure that I'm gay but several factors (religion, family environment) retain me to accept this. The people at my school seem to have a good "gay-dar" because I always hear that people are gossiping behind my back about how gay I am.. and I really hate this, mainly because I still haven't been able to accept it myself, let alone to let other people know it! I think it's really weird that my preference for a particular sex affects on my behaviour... and that people can recognize this as 'gay'. It really frustrates me, as I want to be just like any other boy... but my behaviour seems to be something I can not control. Don't get me wrong: I don't want to be someone I'm not, but just tell me: How can I be more masculine or at least less sissy to fit in the group? We've all been young haven't we? Don't we all want friends? Well I do, and I'm sick of covering up and withholding myself of saying ANYTHING because people might be picking up gay signals. Maybe that's also the reason why I'm so quiet around my "circle"... Last week I kissed a girl, and yesterday I heard she said to some people, giggling, "I kissed a gay last week". It ******* pisses me off. I have almost no real, deep going friendships because everyone (also in my circle) thinks I'm kinda weird, and different to them. So: I do hang out with them but they're not REALLY my friends, sounds quite stupid huh.. yes it is stupid, but I don't want to be alone in the breaks. So please tell me: how can I act more "straight" and fit in with the crowd, build friendships with other boys, without them suspecting me to be gay. Because I KNOW that I DON'T want to be a sissy and that gay people can act as straight people too! I need to find my identity, who am I? But I'm really grateful that you are reading this. It's been really hard because I can't talk to anyone about this and I have to keep it to myself at all times which also gives me such a lonely feeling. People everywhere but still so lonely. yeah that's what it is. Thanks for reading this, I appreciate it.
PS. the worst advice you can give me now is "just be yourself". that is not the question. I'm not asking whether it's wrong or right in your eyes, I'm just asking how to act to fit in and act just like other boys. please help me x
- 9 years agoFavorite Answer
First of all I agree with your opinion on the "just be yourself", since you can't know what you aren't when you haven't tried it.
Secondly, let's evaluate quickly:
1. You are uncomfortable to openly admit to be gay
2. You are fairly sure people think of you as being gay
3. You experience your friends to not be 'real' friends
4. Your insecurity hinders 'normal' social contact
5. You are being labeled as a sissy
a. To fit in with the crowd
b. Be confident
It sounds a little harsh like that maybe, but at least it's clear now.
As for 1, admitting to yourself that you're gay is something you need to work on/work out, and I won't treat it as part of the problem. However, the other part of problem one can't be solved without that, so there's nothing you can do (read: 'There is nothing I can tell you to do, since exceptions exist for almost everything')
Skipping to 4, (in)security is an psychological attribute your mind gives itself. Once you ignore the people that don't (yet) like the way you are/want to be, it will be easier.
The reason for me to skip to 4, I think this isn't just a list of problems, but more like a chain:
3 causing 2 might sound a little odd, but gossip and behind-your-back-talk sticks a lot better when you appear inconfident and have nobody to (even slightly) stand up for you when you can't. (Though 5 is also definitely a cause of 2)
As I can tell you, the base of being accepted is confidence, while the base of confidence mostly is being accepted. How much that might sound like a paradox, I believe it to be true. To really resolve these three problems is to break that chain at the weakest point. Although I might not be the best judge of that, as far as I can tell from your question-text, I think that is 3. The definition of friends can be as vague as the definition of love, god or something like that. When you have good friends, the problems 1 to 4 will also be easier to solve. As long as you remember that the goal of friendship is having fun and (try to) take every opportunity for that, problem 4 will slowly disappear.
Your last problem is 5, which you think to be the exact opposite of goal a, which I'm not going to argue about, because hey, we've all been young. The first things you need to think about, what are the things that cause you to be labeled a sissy. If it's the lack of you standing up for yourself, it's basically the same thing as 4. As there are probably a lot of reasons tiny things that add up to this, you need to pinpoint those things (possibly even posting some of them after you read this). You can also practice a little by trying thing what you think will not make you like a sissy on people that do not have a opinion of you/know you.
What I also realize after reading your text again, sissy and gay aren't synonyms, neither oneothers cause. Remember that you can be who who you want to be AND be gay. Might you solve 1 and 3, I think your problems will work themselves out. I know I talked (wrote) a like without really making a point or giving you (much) advice, this all being clear must help something too. Also sorry for the TL;DR.
- Name WithheldLv 79 years ago
Wow - I'm surprised. . . . here in the US we tend to think of the Netherlands as being very open, accepting, progressive, equal for all preferences - sorry to hear you are getting static from peers.
(In my case - just the opposite: in school I was naturally so "macho" or straight-acting, that I flew below the gaydar and had a hard time getting people to accept me as gay).
Here's something I've seen work for others: do you feel more gay or fem around really macho straight guys? That's natural to feel so in comparison - - - and normal for such situations to reinforce your fem tendencies. It would be ideal if you could find a very, very fem boyfriend to hang with: you would not only look more macho in comparison, but it would reinforce and stimulate your masculine side. May or may not be possible for you or work - but has for others.
But don't stress - whether you go on to university or into the "real world" - everything will be different once you are not longer a "school boy". Less pressure for peer approval, more focus on your contribution, total freedom to establish whatever identity comes naturally to you.
- Anonymous9 years ago
First off: Stop kissing girls. You've seen what mean b1tches they can be. You're only hurting your true self and lying is corrosive, especially making you life into a lie.
Realise that "girlish" behaviour is not what being gay is about.
Certainly, many little gay queans have swallowed all that hetero propaganda about their being half-woman. But the womanly men are the heteros, those tented teats, those rounded bellies, those wobbly buttocks, those broad hips.
Plato was right about the last item, when he said that men who love other men are the more manly.Source(s): Plato's "Symposium"
- 9 years ago
Being yourself may be the worst advice to you, but it's the truth. You should never try to fit in, because people are supposed to like you for who you are and not for what you appear to be.
What do you mean you want to try to"look more masculine"? That's not who you are... Lying to yourself will only make it harder to except it.
What's your identity? YOU'RE GAY... You'd be doing yourself a big favor by not acting like something you're not. ACTING straight won't make you more straight. Just stop with the charade...
- How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
- bussieLv 44 years ago
ha ha it's typical for straigt men to behave homosexual cuz they're certain of who they're in order that they consider is fine to behave like that or somtimes they do this simply to be playin round and make folks giggle
- 6 years ago
Plato was right about the last item, when he said that men who love other men are the more manly.
- Anonymous9 years ago
Holy **** dude!!!
stop pretending ur muscular!! ****!! u hv n0 idea how much i like girly gay guys