Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 8 years ago

Please read my short story so far?

It was extremely chilly, pitch dark, and terrifying. Driving through the snow isn’t my favorite thing to do.

“Moommm! When are we gonna be there?” wailed Mark.

“Shut up, you annoying brat!” Heather barked back.

I clicked the radio on and listened to smooth jazz for the next half hour. It was chaos; traffic, yelling, and whining. I switch the radio off and make a right turn. I drive slowly through a silent road. Mark fell asleep in the backseat and the heating system was up to 80.

BANG! Something slams against the side of the car. I shriek and soon the kids are clenching to each other for dear life. Someone knocks on the window. He has a full grown beard, a half grin and bushy brown eyebrows. I roll the window down and he stands there.

“Do you need help?” asks Chris, my husband looking suspiciously at the man who seems to be in his early forties.

“I got lost in the storm. I know this might sound startling, but would you be able to give me a lift and maybe let me spend the night somewhere?”

Shocked, I look at my husband. I roll the window up and sit there, thinking.

“I think we’d be able to give him a lift.” says Chris.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea; we don’t even know him” I say nervously.

An hour later, I hear the babbling of that man, who states his name is Joe Parker. I have a tight grip on the steering wheel and turn on the radio for a weather report. As I click through dozens of stations, I find a decent one.

“Breaking news! We have issued a missing criminal report- if you have any information please call 911. Police are searching for a 42 year old male, with bushy eyebrows, brown hair, blue eyes and a thick beard; around 6 feet tall, by the name Harry Coleman. Again-“ Joe clicked the radio off.

“I don’t think we should listen to that.” he says with his cold, blazing blue eyes which stared deeply into mine. It felt like he was stabbing me one hundred times.

I choked on my words- “Okay…maybe… we…shouldn’t.”

He smirks and sits back relaxing.

“What was your name again?” I choke back.

“Kevin Murphy.” says the man.

“But… I thought your name was Joe Parker.”

He clears his throat and says nothing.

Tell me what you think, what I should add/ take out, how I can improve it, etc. It's not complete yet.

4 Answers

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  • 8 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    When the "mother" said "“Shut up, you annoying brat!”. ", I wanted to quit reading. That sounds more like something a sibling would say, not a mother. If you don't have to make her a mean person for some reason, maybe change it. It set the tone to me that this was an unhappy family with stupid parents that have some serious problems. They put them all at risk picking up this hitch hiker.

    It is unlikely that parents would pick up a strange man when they have children in the car with them.

    Maybe he could hide in the car when they stop to use a rest room or something like that?

    You need to tell the story from one point of view, and stick to it.

    Carry on!

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  • 8 years ago

    very good! i was confused at the beginning though because mark asked a question and heather answered it, making me think heather is the mom and its in third person. then you used 'I' throughout the rest of the story and i slowly came to realize it's in first point of view. You might want to make the clearer so the reader doesn't top because she/he is confused. Besides that though very good, good detail, good dialogue, good descriptive words. It makes me wonder why her husband even let the mysterious man they picked off of the side of the road into their car with their kids. Very suspenseful and intriguing.

    Good luck!

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  • 8 years ago

    Awesome

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  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    Great! I loved it! Very interesting, didn't use the same words too many times. Thriller/Mystery. Very good! Maybe add a bit more detail, though.

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